Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I indicated 'otherwise' through actions and based on his pretty endless requests/demands I treat this like the relationship he wanted. He never DID 'take me at my word'. He ignored my 'word' that I was not ready, needed to take my time, was just getting back into dating and scared to just give my heart to the first person I met, and constantly pushed for a deeper relationship and I started giving more and more. And yes, in my world at least, when you accept keys to someone's apartment who says they want you to start coming as you please and treat it like 'our apartment' and accept drawers in their bedroom so you can start sharing your life there and agree to start staying over and semi-living with them, when they start discussing whether the apartment is big enough for the two of you and inviting you to family events, and getting upset with you for not 'taking care of them' when they are sick, I think it is safe to assume your relationship has gone to another level and you are well past casual if not committed. You can't be the other person and say "I had no idea you wanted more". In any event you can see how this all turned out in the end of the thread. My behavior might have been indecisive and full of assumptions and lack of communication, his is outright disturbing.
I agree that it is. Please keep in mind that I made that post early in the thread, and had not yet read anything that indicated you had accepted the keys or started moving your things in.
I am sorry about this way this worked out, but I still stand by my statements that it's best to be clear, both through your actions AND your words, what you want from any relationship. This guy turned out to be a jerk, perhaps even a sociopath, but the advice is still valid.
I agree that it is. Please keep in mind that I made that post early in the thread, and had not yet read anything that indicated you had accepted the keys or started moving your things in.
I am sorry about this way this worked out, but I still stand by my statements that it's best to be clear, both through your actions AND your words, what you want from any relationship. This guy turned out to be a jerk, perhaps even a sociopath, but the advice is still valid.
I agree with you and everyone here that is is the best path. For my part, I was still quite scared of making that leap to 'yes I want to be with you' even though I should have said that yet I believe that would have brought me right here anyway. I'm pretty sure in examining this that it was not my reticence to be in a relationship as much as my lack of really believing this was about me. He in fact got upset during our recent talks as I said I thought (at least early on) he just wanted to be in a relationship, any relationship and he told me "I have plenty of offers for relationships". Yet he has not been in one, according to him, in 10 years. I know why I was not; family illnesses mainly. But he has been dating endlessly for a decade and has not had a relationship since, so much so that he indicated how many family members were going to want to meet me?
I think as much as "words" I need to trust my gut since it was screaming about him from day 1 and through every part of the last 3 week debacle. And I called it EACH time and the words/communications that disturbed him the most throughout were the ones that called him and this 'relationship' dead on.
It almost seems like this was a setup to get back at you for not having just begged for a commitment from him from the beginning. instead he had to come out and admit this was what he wanted. Like...a wounded pride thing. But I could be off about that, plus I wasn't there. It's just a feeling.
This was my first thought as well, though no one knows except him.
He sounds very...confused? Manipulative? Immature?
This was my first thought as well, though no one knows except him.
He sounds very...confused? Manipulative? Immature?
I'm not sure.
I don't think any of those adequately describes the behavior. To me it is almost pathological, especially the way he handled the... break-up? Literally pulled me back in to get me to say and commit to what he said he always wanted only to break up not a month or two later after perhaps 'buyers remorse' but literally the next morning. That was either planned or he knew during the dinner he didn't mean it and during our night/day, despite all of the 'where would we move' and 'what days should we make ours?' etc. It is impossible to not see it as an utter set-up and again I'd say the way he was so .... blase... about it as if I was some girl who asked HIM to commit to ME whilst casually dating and he just told me 'sorry not ready for a committed relationship' and got mad at me for not understanding as if he did nothing wrong except 'want different things'. It is really .... insane.
The actual timeline is supremely confusing here to keep me from offering any ideas about HIS behavior, so the only thing I can offer you to help going forward (as far as feeling distrustful) is to go back to this part of your OP:
Quote:
Originally Posted by msgirlnyc
Met a guy a couple years back at bar, he clearly liked me and asked for my number. He was cute and nice enough so I said yes, no realy attraction per se.
Anyway he was pretty persistent asking me out, finally I said yes.
It sounds like you never were really into him at the beginning and almost went out with him just as a first step in your process of dating after the hiatus.
The problem with applying your rules to a situation like this is that you never know where the other person is in THEIR "dating process," so the only thing you can really trust is your gut.
You let yourself be talked into (or convinced yourself) that you should go out with him when you didn't really appear to want to, based on your own words here.
I would say next time is a guy you just met is "pretty persistent" and you really aren't feeling it, don't do it.
...
Gotcha on that but here is the thing; the 'verbally explicit' meant absolutely nothing here did it. I followed up my actions that were apparently unclear (!) with the precise words he wanted and even the Official Date words and then THAT with the behavior he so craved; in his arms in his bed discussing a future. So how did that work out any differently then non-verbal? It was the same end result. I just ended up bearing my soul which I was reluctant to do, and rightly so, with words that gave me the exact outcome i'd feared.
OK, what I said about being verbally explicit? I am now talking about the way I prefer to be IN GENERAL. With a partner who has the potential to be a healthy partner, this can be a very healthy practice.
Don't be like, "Well see, all the good it did me here" because that guy, as you so clearly illustrate, was all KINDS of problematic. Over the course of this thread, you unpacked more and more reasons why he was always going to be trouble. In other words? Just because being calm and rational with a crazy person does not give best results, does not mean one should abandon being calm and rational because it didn't "work."
The other great thing about being up front with what you need and where you're at is that no way can he later on, be like, "you sent me mixed messages and I was confused." Nah-uh, I told you what was what, mister. What you did with that? Is on YOU, now. That's how I see it. No, you won't get a guarantee he'll never lie, cheat, or jerk you around. But you can sweep away the minefield of "innocent" (or contrived) misunderstanding.
I would urge you to stop picking apart the bits and pieces of these interactions like this. He isn't a poster child for all men. He's one guy who had issues, whatever they were, they aren't your problem anymore, right? So. (Yes, I know, it can take time to let go...just move in this direction.)
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
