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Old 04-19-2018, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Morrison, CO
34,177 posts, read 18,487,967 times
Reputation: 25763

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CBeisbol View Post
Toxic masculinity
Wow, you must have issues.

I typically don't talk about my relationships with women with my guy friends. Everything is kept on a superficial, polite level. Like, "How is so, and so"? Oh, she's doing fine, we're going up to the mountains this weekend. "Hey that's great, what about those Eagles."

 
Old 04-19-2018, 09:58 AM
 
Location: So Cal
52,011 posts, read 52,464,357 times
Reputation: 52524
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
I am sometimes surprised how much time men can spend together without talking deep.


I have one of many examples: Ex bfs best buddy comes over for dinner. Ex is not home yet, so I hang with his bff for an hour.
A few days later I say to ex "you never told me that John did ... /in his past worked at .../dated a ...for 5 years/ had cancer/ is an orphan .../used to be an alcoholic ..." Stuff you should know if you are friends for 10 years. And ex said "really?? Are you serious? no, I had no idea. I know what his first car was though and his favorite football team"
Men, in my experience and everything I say in this thread is just my experience not to be taken as fact across the board. I find that what you listed out in the bold to be a touch odd. The real difference is that guys for the most part do the lighter stuff like sports or music or whatever but they do at least mention the major stuff but it's more as a passing thing because it seems like an unwritten man rule that you try and be more fun and not so "heavy" so to speak. They may speak to their buddies about certain issues but it's never really in that much depth and when it is it's not all that often. It's kinda hard to explain.


That was what was sorta odd about my OP is that it was way more in depth then I've typically seen, hence the whole point of the thread.


Some of this might be macho BS and some it is probably social conditioning and some might be just how men are wired. Men and women are different on some things, it's not a bad thing at all it just is. We can think of it as a synergy, just to put a positive spin on it.


I think Gen X men as we are starting to get older are probably a bit more open to talking about feelings and all of that stuff, to a certain point, at least with other men. Our dad's generation was a whole lot more of the stiff upper lip and playing the big macho man BS.
 
Old 04-19-2018, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Dfw
323 posts, read 220,645 times
Reputation: 382
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
If two women are stuck in an elevator for half an hour, they know all about the other persons relationship issues once they get out.
Not always true. Im a woman and I am not overly social..and I certainly dont go around telling my business. You're assuming all women are chatty cathys
 
Old 04-19-2018, 10:03 AM
 
3,565 posts, read 1,912,843 times
Reputation: 3732
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lou View Post
I hope you're being sarcastic.
Not at all

Quote:
If not, understand that men interact differently with each other for their own reasons. There are variables to these situations that we don't know about. One of those variables is the two people in question; they're individuals with their own relationship, not gender monoliths responsible for a predetermined output.
As incomplete as it would be not to recognize people as individuals it's equally as incomplete to not look at individuals as part of a larger society.
 
Old 04-19-2018, 10:03 AM
 
Location: In the bee-loud glade
5,573 posts, read 3,334,079 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
True, but part of it is that many guys just don't see the POINT in talking about stuff. They figure it out for themselves, are relatively confident in their decision and then they DO IT. I don't know if it's because women are open to more viewpoints or aren't confident themselves but they will often mull stuff over both in their heads and with friends long before they take real action. That can be good and bad, depending on if it is something important they can influence or it's it is trivial or they have no impact.
I think your description is accurate, but I don't know if men fail to see the point or if they fail to see the option. On this, I think women's emotional lives might often benefit from being more decisive in the sense of trusting themselves, while men's emotional lives might benefit from being less decisive, or trusting others. We tend to feel like doing it without a lot of support is what's expected of us and what's valued. But that comes at a price.
 
Old 04-19-2018, 10:05 AM
 
3,565 posts, read 1,912,843 times
Reputation: 3732
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pilot1 View Post
Wow, you must have issues.
Thanks for the diagnosis

Of course I have issues. My issues almost certainly fall within a standard deviation of the norm.


Quote:
I typically don't talk about my relationships with women with my guy friends. Everything is kept on a superficial, polite level. Like, "How is so, and so"? Oh, she's doing fine, we're going up to the mountains this weekend. "Hey that's great, what about those Eagles."
Why?
 
Old 04-19-2018, 10:36 AM
 
24,541 posts, read 18,118,486 times
Reputation: 40231
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I wonder how often this sort of thing comes up with other guys?
Pretty much never. With long time friends, I get the divorce stuff. When I was in my 20's, the most I'd ever hear about a relationship was "It's nice to get laid regularly." At that age, you'd talk about casual relationships and casual sex. Discussions about actual long term relationships didn't happen.
 
Old 04-19-2018, 10:39 AM
 
Location: Morrison, CO
34,177 posts, read 18,487,967 times
Reputation: 25763
Quote:
Originally Posted by CBeisbol View Post
Why?
My personal relationship with my significant other/wife is between me, and her.
 
Old 04-19-2018, 10:44 AM
 
Location: So Cal
52,011 posts, read 52,464,357 times
Reputation: 52524
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
Pretty much never. With long time friends, I get the divorce stuff. When I was in my 20's, the most I'd ever hear about a relationship was "It's nice to get laid regularly." At that age, you'd talk about casual relationships and casual sex. Discussions about actual long term relationships didn't happen.

Yeah, that is pretty much my experience. Enough so that it stuck out in my head and is why I started the thread about it.


The conversations we had weren't gushy or anything it was just things were discussed in more depth than usual. Like I posted up thread guys will say things about relationships in passing but rarely get/got into detail.


I know that as a young guy you'd hear "locker room" talk and like I posted it was sex and other BS but I know that as I've gotten older and hung out with guys we never discussed sex, especially if it was a long term spouse/wife. I'm sitting here thinking about it and I just can't recall talking about sex and relationships with guys I knew either through work or friends or whatever. It just rarely happened if at all.
 
Old 04-19-2018, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,328 posts, read 14,547,380 times
Reputation: 39259
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
True, but part of it is that many guys just don't see the POINT in talking about stuff. They figure it out for themselves, are relatively confident in their decision and then they DO IT. I don't know if it's because women are open to more viewpoints or aren't confident themselves but they will often mull stuff over both in their heads and with friends long before they take real action. That can be good and bad, depending on if it is something important they can influence or it's it is trivial or they have no impact.
I don't agree.

Mainly due to the number (significant) of troubled men who have reached out to me online and gone into great, extensive length about their personal lives, asking me for input or advice. Some of them, like a recent friend, seem to be getting some good input that they can factor in, as options they hadn't considered and things to bring up with other people they are dealing with. Some just want someone to vent and complain to, and anytime I tried to give any positivity or input, it was argued back like the guy just wanted someone to holler at about how hopeless everything was.

Hell you see men HERE who need a space to blow off steam about their feelings, and to process their way to a decision about something, or who lack confidence in their choices and need some validation. All day!

Some guys spend their whole lives doing basically NOTHING, out of fear they'll mess up.

But yes, there are some very decisive men out there, too. And some whose decisive action on choices gets them into good outcomes, and some who could use someone to temper that with a little "look before you leap."

I guess every time I'm presented with a generalization, I can usually think of a dozen times it was not true, in fact it was the opposite, so it's hard for me to accept them. I know that the idea that men need to be "men of action" who are "not emotional" and don't share or process or gather input, I know that concept is...a thing. I just don't think it's always really true in practice, as to what is going on in a human mind or heart just because the human is male.

EDIT: But I think it's important to note, those men who open up to me probably feel more comfortable doing so, because I'm a woman. So they don't have to fear being vulnerable in front of me, I won't use it against them (as a competitor) and I won't attack them because they have showed me a weakness. Most of us learn as kids, that if you are not careful in who you make yourself vulnerable to, you'll get attacked and hurt. Just try being upset in elementary or middle school, surrounded by other vicious little goblins...I mean angelic children...and what happens, how you get treated by your peers. I think that men internalize this early, because they need to protect themselves.
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