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Old 05-17-2018, 07:23 AM
 
Location: Here and now.
11,904 posts, read 5,565,406 times
Reputation: 12963

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork View Post
20, what you describe, sounds like what I would call the "OK years" of my own marriage. I've already said plenty about how bad it got at the end. But from 1999 to sometime in 2014 or so, we got by...but the interrogating about my whereabouts, check. The nonstop monologues, check. (Only difference was, mine was also into a computer game, so he wouldn't continue talking if he was on the computer with headphones, playing MechWarrior. The sound of his voice would be replaced by the dim sound of gunfire and his weird heavy breathing while he played.) I also felt that he was unavailable when I really could have used some help. And let me guess, if you ask, he will help you, but you'll get a heap of bad attitude while he does it? Or he'll do the task badly so you don't ask again, or maybe if you ask him to do something FOR you that needs done, he'll demand you come help but what he really wants is for you to stand there and listen to him talk while he does the thing? Any of which has the effect of, "My god dude I'm sorry I ever asked. I need to remember how this went, next time I think to ask you for anything."

I used to spend every morning while in the shower, or commuting to work (auto pilot activities, mentally) fantasizing about living a life some day by myself. I admit, I thought it would only happen when one day he died (since he was somewhat older than I, and since he takes awful care of himself.) And it did not make me feel like a good person one bit that I was essentially fantasizing about his death, or at least a world without him in it.

I would have a small home, full of color and sunshine and nice music. With a cat, who would challenge my desire to do jigsaw puzzles, with his cat antics. I'd make art and drink tea and be so happy. My imaginary home smelled like oranges and tea and cinnamon, and you could hear windchimes and the breeze in the nearby trees, and I might even hang a hammock. In the living room! Why not? I had this whole mental escape.

And you know, if you recall things I've said, it took him really going bananas and lots of pretty severe bad behavior for me to finally go. I thought I was waiting until our financial picture was more comfortable. When I finally cut my losses and left, it was far, far worse. Sticking around did not really serve me. I now wish I'd left some 2-3 years earlier at the least.

But I did get out. I took the small first step of getting a storage unit, and I started putting my own things in there where they were away from him, and safe. Eventually got an apartment. It wasn't big, but it was nice. I decorated it how I liked, and made it feel like home. I got to hear my chimes and the wind in the trees and watch the sunbeams in peace with my cat. And in a fairly short time, I found someone new to make a life with. We're very happy.

You could do this, too. I hope you will not wait until it gets very bad, worse than normal, to save yourself from this life.
The life you have now sounds lovely. Inspiring, even. I can almost see your dream house in my mind.

20, you can do it, too!
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Old 05-17-2018, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,328 posts, read 14,552,431 times
Reputation: 39264
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catgirl64 View Post
The life you have now sounds lovely. Inspiring, even. I can almost see your dream house in my mind.

20, you can do it, too!
Thanks! That dream sure kept me going. And no, things are not PERFECT now, but they are so very much better in so many ways. I was afraid to be alone, too. Yet for at least the first year, I felt I should not live with another person, that I needed to prove to myself I COULD do it on my own. I signed a lease on a fairly small apartment, which I shared with my son and my cat. I ended up staying there a year and a half, before eventually moving in with my present boyfriend...by the time we moved in together, we had already been talking about eventually getting married, so I waited until I felt quite strongly that it was the right way to go.

But during that time, and even sometimes since, I definitely feel anxiety about whether I'm making the right choices, or if I'm even qualified to "adult" (despite being 39 years old) because after 18 years with a husband, it was scary to stand alone. One thing about him...he was really good at managing emergencies. Granted, he'd do it with a mouth full of bad attitude and the solution would usually not be pretty (think duct tape and paracord) but my point is that the two of us had been TESTED by serious life crises a number of times, and we'd survived. I was better at juggling logistics, plans and money, my ex was good at crisis management. He used to say I was the "Officer" and he was the "NCO" (for those who get military terms.) To this day, I feel some fear now and then, because my boyfriend and I have not really been tested by major hardship yet. And we will. I don't doubt we'll come through it, but I don't exactly know how he functions under really serious pressure...yet. It is scary to leave someone when you've been with them a long time. You are not expected, or supposed, to NOT be scared, just to waltz out like you're taking a walk in the park and never go back.

But for the sake of your own sanity, you need to either find some way to address the things that are eating you up and improve your peace of mind in the relationship you have, or else make some other kind of arrangement (even an unusual one!) to get some space from him. Or else end the relationship and move on. When I talk about the in-between measures...well, for most people that isn't an option, it's all or nothing. You're either 100% in, or 100% out. But I believe in crafting life to suit your own needs (everyone involved) even if that means breaking the rules. So for me, things like open relationships that are more partnership and roommate situations, or renting a little studio apartment to have your own bit of space, or WHATEVER...outside-the-box solutions...are always at least a possibility, too.
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Old 05-17-2018, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,298 posts, read 84,311,090 times
Reputation: 114648
Quote:
Originally Posted by Submariner View Post
It was in response to:
"20yrsinBranson - ... Blames me for it saying that "I asked" (because I usually greet him when he comes home, duh, with something like, Hi honey how was your day?) It is a simple greeting, not something that I intend to last for 6+ Hours."

If her greeting is seen as starting all of this, by changing the greeting there would be a different aftermath.

duh
If the guy is such a jerk to her just in day-to-day conversation, why should she expose her vulnerability to him and open herself up to potentially even worse putdowns? And why in God's name would any woman want to have sex with someone who treats her like that?

it's not her GREETING that is the problem. It is the self-absorbed jackass she is married to.
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Old 05-17-2018, 09:26 AM
 
Location: PA
2,113 posts, read 2,400,384 times
Reputation: 5471
Man, that sucks. I cannot imagine 22 years of that. i would have gone nuts long ago.

I get not wanting to be alone, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Like someone upthread suggested, what would your ideal life be like? When you have some alone time, sit and imagine it. What have you always wanted to do or try, but never have? Make a bucket list of things that you want to do to fill yourself up, so to speak. I can imagine that you pretty much have your emotional batteries drained most if not all of the time. That is an awful way to live life. Do you want to be on your deathbed someday wishing that things were different? I get that you don't want to divorce him, but if you want to stay, there are certain things that you need to do in order to make this relationship palatable and maintain your sanity.

Personally, I would find something I enjoy to take me out of the house when he gets home, or just stop asking how his day was. After decades of getting an hours-long soliloquy to a simple question, it is doubtful he is going to change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. My SO is not anywhere as bad as yours, but he can drain my energy. I decided last year I was just going to do a bunch of things for myself, by myself. I took a hip hop class. I went swimming. I took yoga and Zumba at my gym. I go to restaurants and day trips to myself. I am going to a convention this weekend and two months from now I am going to see my favorite comedian. I won't lie, it's not easy going outside my comfort zone, but the end result is positive.

If you can't bring yourself to do any of that, get some good herb and smoke it before your DH gets home. It won't change anything, but at least you won't care. I am being slightly facetious about the last suggestion.
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Old 05-19-2018, 01:36 PM
 
1,058 posts, read 673,193 times
Reputation: 1844
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Yes, I am. I hate every minute of my life. It's a nightmare. This is just one layer of the onion.
You need to set some hard boundaries and start living lady! You are a grown ass woman. You are entitled to be loved, treated with respect,asked about your day, your opinions, have your feelings considered, and your own time and hobbies for your own personal enjoyment.

You need a hobby, women's group, book a weekend cruise with the girls, go shopping...anything to have some interaction with other people that are not so self absorbed. You have been stuck in this holding pattern with him for quite some time and you need to take some action to save your life.

I am not talking about divorce, but I am talking about carving time out for yourself for things that you will enjoy and adapting to that. Your husband is probably used to you being at his beck and call.
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Old 05-19-2018, 01:43 PM
 
1,058 posts, read 673,193 times
Reputation: 1844
Quote:
Originally Posted by ComeCloser View Post
Get a pair of Dr Dre headphones and listen to music while he gets life off his chest.
This is the best one!!!
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Old 05-19-2018, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Richmond VA
6,874 posts, read 7,852,754 times
Reputation: 18199
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
I've called suicide hotlines several times in the past. They go through their check list. "Have you attempted suicide in the past?" "Do you have a specific plan?" etc., etc., Once they get through their checklist, they always refer me to a local clinic (Burrell Behavioral Health), where you can obtain counseling on a sliding scale. I know the drill like I wrote it. They are useless.
Counseling is most certainly going to be useless if you don't go. Have you tried it? Please try again. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right counselor.
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Old 05-19-2018, 02:05 PM
 
Location: Pacific 🌉 °N, 🌄°W
11,761 posts, read 7,232,603 times
Reputation: 7528
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilly9244 View Post
This is the best one!!!
But then what she should she do about him interrogating her?

Or when he gives attitude when she asks for his help?

Or when he won't even hold a door open for her without her having to ask...even if she's lugging groceries?

Or if she mentions it he gets hostile and defensive?
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Old 05-19-2018, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,298 posts, read 84,311,090 times
Reputation: 114648
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matadora View Post
But then what she should she do about him interrogating her?

Or when he gives attitude when she asks for his help?

Or when he won't even hold a door open for her without her having to ask...even if she's lugging groceries?

Or if she mentions it he gets hostile and defensive?
https://youtu.be/HcFaIFQhmec

"Husbands die every day, Dolores..."
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Old 05-19-2018, 02:33 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,436 posts, read 34,636,835 times
Reputation: 73585
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matadora View Post
But then what she should she do about him interrogating her?

Or when he gives attitude when she asks for his help?

Or when he won't even hold a door open for her without her having to ask...even if she's lugging groceries?

Or if she mentions it he gets hostile and defensive?

You either learn to live with it and temper your emotional reaction, or you leave. OP seems intent on continuing the dynamic because the fear of being alone is greater.

It's very unhealthy, and a good counselor could help.
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