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I met someone a few weeks ago who I immediately clicked with (we're both mid-20s). I asked her out that night to something happening the next day. (Didn't use the word "date" when asking, but said "go out with me"). She said yes, and we've continued to go out (and stay in) 1-2x per week since then (including one time when we made a same-day plan). Near the end of our 3rd evening together, I told her I wanted to kiss her. She responded "not yet". BTW - we were cuddling for a solid 1.5 hours before that (watching a movie at her place).
Honestly - I was cool with that - spending time with her is fun in itself (even though I'd prefer to take it further).
Fast forward to last night - we had a great time once again. I'll spare the details but we were extremely close to each other for most of the night. At the end of the night, a mutual acquaintance came up in conversation (she knows him better) - and I asked her if she had told him we were dating. Her reply to me: "We are?" And then proceeded to explain that she considers dating to be something that only happens between BF/GF (with sexual component).
I explained to her that I considered dating to be "going out with someone you're interested in" whereas to me hanging out is "going out with someone you're not interested in".
Anyway... she explained that she's still not over her ex (she had a bad breakup late last year) and hasn't tried to get back into a relationship with anyone since. In response, I asked if she still had feelings for him, and after thinking for a moment, replied "No".
Now, here's the part that really confuses me - before yesterday, our texting had been very periodic (i.e. 30-60 mins between texts frequently - sometimes longer). This morning, she texted me when she woke up (she's never done this) and I texted back, and after a bit, explained that I still didn't fully understand how she saw us. She said "friend", but that she likes spending time with me and going on adventures and stuff. I told her that the feeling was mutual, but that I'm also looking for something more, but understand her not being ready for a relationship.
(I really am cool with that - I don't mind being friends with her because she's a really generous/wonderful person.)
After that, she emphasized that she liked going out and doing stuff with me, and didn't want me to vanish from her life. I reassured her I didn't plan to.
Since then, we've still been talking a ton today (and she's initiating a lot of the conversation, which is not something she did previously). For example, asking me for my opinion on a new top she was trying on.
So basically - I'm trying to figure out what to make of all this. I really like her, so I'm reluctant to start another relationship if there's a reasonable chance this goes somewhere. Any thoughts?
She has set clear boundaries - you're in the friend zone. Are you ok with being just friends with her? Because chances are, that's as far as it will go.
I was in a similar situation a while ago. I wasted over a year of my life being kept at arm's length with a guy who never intended to take things further, yet wanted to call, text, go out, etc.
You're only a few weeks in - you can decide now if you're ok with her not seeing you in a potential-sexual-partner way.
Thanks for the replies so far. You two basically expressed the competing views in my head.
I'm actually okay with remaining just friends. She's extremely generous with me - for example volunteered to drive for 2 extra hours (after her normal bedtime) to help me rescue my car after I locked my keys inside. I don't find friends like that often.
Here is another vote for friend zone. I fear that you may be pushed away when she meets a guy she wants to have a deeper relationship with. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
She likes you. She probably got hurt in her last relationship, and she's being cautious now.
I disagree with the poster that said you're being friend-zoned.
^^^ Right. But I have question, it's really so bad to be first friends before becoming lovers? I truly believe that some of the best relationships often start out as friendships. I mean, people should want to know each other, to see someone's character before it's blurred by sexual intentions and wanting to "get" something physical out of it. No?
Perhaps if people would start first with a friendship, there would be less divorces on the long run? Certainly, no relationship can stand the test of time without the foundations of a strong friendship...
I think long-term marriages and partnerships end up being much more about compatibility and companionship than sexuality.
The divorce rate being so high, make me think perhaps skipping friendship is the reason why we're doing it wrong.
^^^ Right. But I have question, it's really so bad to be first friends before becoming lovers? I truly believe that some of the best relationships often start out as friendships. I mean, people should want to know each other, to see someone's character before it's blurred by sexual intentions and wanting to "get" something physical out of it. No?
Perhaps if people would start first with a friendship, there would be less divorces on the long run? Certainly, no relationship can stand the test of time without the foundations of a strong friendship...
I think long-term marriages and partnerships end up being much more about compatibility and companionship than sexuality.
The divorce rate being so high, make me think perhaps skipping friendship is the reason why we're doing it wrong.
Just saying....
I am of the opinion when it comes to relationships: if it is isn’t gonna to happen quickly it isn’t gonna happen at all
Its difficult 'cos women are strange and unpredictable beasts...
It sounds to me as if she wants to have you as a friend and she genuinely thinks she is not over the last guy yet and does not want to get hurt again with you. So... she keeps you at arms length until she knows you better or can decide the time is right to fall in love again. Sounds also that she wants to keep you hanging on for later when she is ready, just in case she decides you are worth loving.
Meanwhile you have to wait - or not as the case may be. You risk having her decide her old boyfriend is too good to lose and if he calls she will be there.
If you can be just friends then go for it, if you cannot and need something more, then move along.
I am of the opinion when it comes to relationships: if it is isn’t gonna to happen quickly it isn’t gonna happen at all
And what's your personal experience? From your threads I gather that you're still looking for it to happen, so perhaps it's worth to change your strategy?
I am of the opinion when it comes to relationships: if it is isn’t gonna to happen quickly it isn’t gonna happen at all
Sayeth the expert.
OP, I don't know what her ultimate intentions are. It may be that she doesn't have any. If you like her and she is a good friend, enjoy the friendship. If it develops into something more, wonderful. If not, she's still worth knowing, right?
I hate this all-or-nothing attitude about friends vs. lovers. It seems to me that a balanced life could benefit from both kinds of relationship.
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