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IMO, the risk is worth it. It's difficult to find good friends, in my experience, and removing half the population because of gender seems silly.
As for me, I am willing to risk my marriage.
Yeah, that's sort of the predominant mindset we see in our society. Not unusual. Risk a marriage and a cohesive family unit so that you can pal around with a cutie. I get it. I'm a man, I like women. Although, statistically speaking, even if you removed women from your friendship pool, you're still talking about having access to 3.5 billion people for friendship. I mean, how many friends do you need?
It sounds like you're just selective about which factors you believe. My experience and observations show otherwise.
Congrats.
OK, well so I'm a bisexual and I find attractive things in many people, and many people find attractive things in me. Should I have no friends, lest an orgy break out at any moment? I can't and won't live that way. Nor will I shun anyone just because a hint of attraction exists. And men are only like half of the species, I can't very well be part of a community if I go around fretting about what is in their heads.
But I've got my boundaries, you betcha I do.
In addition to not giving them alone time, and trying to be very clear and up-front about my intentions (especially if I think a guy might be getting "ideas" about things possibly getting more-ish, I give him a talking to, so he knows better) I also keep no secrets from my partner. If I have heard from a former lover, he knows about it. If I had an entertaining exchange with flirty friend, he knows about it. If I'm creating new boundaries in some situation, he knows about it. And if I had a genuine need to open our relationship and be poly again, he would know about that, too. I actually HAVE that freedom, but I have felt no need to act on it. I want to put all of my love and energy into one relationship at this point in life.
You know what I do, when a guy seems to get getting a little TOO flirty with me? I start talking about my boyfriend, how awesome he is, bragging on his skills or things we've done that were wonderful. That tends to cool 'em off.
And that's another one of those indicating factors, in my opinion. If you talk badly about your partner, with a "friend"...that can lead to deeper confidences and more emotional intimacy with the friend, in conjunction with more negative feelings about your partner. If you talk positively about your partner with your "friend", it sends the message that you are happy in your relationship and not looking for anything better than the wonderful person you have.
Yeah, that's sort of the predominant mindset we see in our society. Not unusual. Risk a marriage and a cohesive family unit so that you can pal around with a cutie. I get it. I'm a man, I like women. Although, statistically speaking, even if you removed women from your friendship pool, you're still talking about having access to 3.5 billion people for friendship. I mean, how many friends do you need?
I need more friends than I have. Unfortunately, I presently live in a very conservative area, and most of the liberals I've been able to find in any activity or group have been women. If I didn't have female friends, I'd lose half of the friends I do have. And that's worth some (very, very minimal) risk. My wife agrees, and that's all that matters for us. You can disagree and pontificate all you like, but save it for your own life.
And that's another one of those indicating factors, in my opinion. If you talk badly about your partner, with a "friend"...that can lead to deeper confidences and more emotional intimacy with the friend, in conjunction with more negative feelings about your partner. If you talk positively about your partner with your "friend", it sends the message that you are happy in your relationship and not looking for anything better than the wonderful person you have.
Exactly.
One of the final straws that ended my marriage was the realization that my ex was trashing me behind his back to a particular female "friend". I already had a bad vibe about this "friend". On top of trashing me so he looked like a martyr for having put up with me all those years, he was over the top fawning over and praising her. It is probably not a coincidence that his praise for her was almost word for word things he said to ME in the very early stages of our relationship. (He was also trashing me to other friends of his, and his family... it wasn't just her. So excuse me while I take the knife out of my back)
It was abundantly clear it was at best an emotional affair. If my gut is to be believed, something more happened... but when someone is trashing their spouse to an attractive and available "friend", it's just not a good sign. At. All.
Location: Born in L.A. - NYC is Second Home - Rustbelt is Home Base
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KoolAsIce
Okay, well some of you probably read my last thread about me and a female co-worker who instantly connected with crazy chemistry. She's married and I am married, but we DO NOT want to stop being friends.
My feelings went into overdrive making me feel like she was meant for me even though I am married. It wasn't and is not a sex thing or a lust thing. I just really care about her. She has a special place in my heart.
Anyway, I started thinking that maybe men and women shouldn't just be friends, because that is like playing with fire, especially if you're already taken. Good conversation, laughter and smiles can definitely cause feelings to develop, which is what I am sure happened between me and my female co-worker.
If I would have had the mindset that men and women cannot just be friends, I wouldn't never even started talking to her in a non-professional way. We would have just kept our communications strictly about work.
Do you all agree that to be on the safe side, men and women should just abstain from having a friendship?
Concur...unless you are old and penis is very dead. It is very irritating to have cheesecake dangled in your face and you can never get a bite.
...this does not apply to homosexuals with women friends.
And that's the difference ... bi, gay, straight, poly or whatever.
I've never said that men and women can't be friends. People who have problems with boundaries can't be friends with people they're attracted to because, like it or not, the temptation DOES get too strong.
You don't have that problem? Again, congratulations. For many, though, walking that close to the edge means they WILL fall off.
A lot of guys would have sex with lots of women they know, as in the women are not totally unattractive to them. But there are boundaries for any decent guy. They can get in a lot of trouble these days if they don't abide boundaries.
What have you seen that indicates men are generally insecure?
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For many, though, walking that close to the edge means they WILL fall off.
