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I do listen, to every single word everyone types. Trust me on that. And no one has even hinted that, yeah, redhead is being rude. So what am I to think? You guys all think I'm some crazy, obsessed, hostile, creep just because I want to be treated courteously.
I do take people's advice on this forum. Every day. I have no friends and I'm divorced. I don't know how to socialize in real life. So I promise you, I take people's advice because I want friends and I want a partner. But you guys are just coming down on me and it's pretty harsh, to be honest.
NO ONE here has suggested that she is doing this right and you're wrong.
I have no idea why she continues to respond to you with curt replies. But you have some behaviors you need to correct. Can you please stop swinging wildly between all-or-nothing characterizations ("crazy hostile obsessed creep") and just consider the idea that you might not be going about this perfectly?
We are not being harsh. We are trying to help you stop doing some very obvious things.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,957,550 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
I have no friends and I'm divorced. I don't know how to socialize in real life. .
Well, see, if you want advice. Stop trying to date and learn to be social. Some of the communication problems you're having here, and the inability to read what she is actually saying, will be helped with being social and interacting with people.
Much of what people say isn't literally the words they say. Nuance, context, social conditioning all impact the message and should impact how we absorb those messages. What people say and the literal words they use very very often aren't exact matches. Communication isn't black and white. Listening isn't just taking in the words.
I have no friends and I'm divorced. I don't know how to socialize in real life.
This^^^ is a big deal, and it's coloring how you're reacting and responding to this woman. You can't control other people, and you also shouldn't be ignoring red flags because you don't want to be alone. It's fine to give up on the brusque redhead, but at the same time putting all your eggs in the basket of someone who's responsive but lives thousands of miles away isn't much better.
It reads to me that you are investing too much emotion early on, which is why you are getting SO offended.
We know you really really want a partner, but if you are going to actively search like this you have to get better at regulating your emotions during this stage of the process.
It's not like buying something off the shelf at the hardware store. This is another person we are talking about, and just because she may check off some of YOUR boxes on first glance doesn't mean you are checking off hers also.
Relax your ego a bit, accept the fact that not every woman is going to swoon over you, and move forward.
Here, not with her.
You are getting angry, and it shows.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Step back and read what you're writing. You're demanding that she needs to communicate how you want her to communicate. That is entitlement.
She is communicating loud and clear, just not using the words you want her to use.
What they said.
Curt responses should signal an automatic disinterest. You are reading too much into these brief interactions due to your hurt ego. I get that you're new to dating sites, OP, but if you're going to continue exploring this medium, you need to consider a different approach in the way you perceive and handle these interactions. You can not control other people's responses. Just your own. You are not entitled to a response of any kind, and certainly not one you deem "appropriate." No response is a response, and likewise for one word answers that do not move the conversation forward. We all know this. You are just entirely too eager and entitled in your thinking to accept it.
She means you're making a lot of unnecessary and unfair assumptions.
I really don't believe you're ready to date at all.
I have to say that I agree with this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
Here's what I don't get. Why has she responded? It's a dating site, we gets new messages every day. I imagine the women get far more than the men. Am I really to assume that people respond to every message just to be polite? And there has been nothing polite about redhead's interaction with me. Polite would be saying "I'm not interested." She's not being polite.
Here's an idea: Ask the read head in a nice way if she wishes to continue communicating because you'd like to continue communicating with her but are getting mixed signals from her because she's answering but with no content. That way you don't have to stew on it and read into everything she says.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea
You're looking at everything through YOUR perspective only and there in lies the problem. You're coming in with all this negativity, stereotypical thinking, and pessimism. It's not attractive. You're so worked up over ONE woman that you hadn't had ANYTIME to invest any type of emotional time into.
You're not just talking to people with just the intention of being social. She probably responded to see if she would feel any genuine interest. She didn't and now she's showing you such. Jeez dude you need to relax. Are you sure dating is something you really should be thinking about? You're taking everything so personal and blowing it out of proportion.
CALM DOWN.
This is totally spot on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea
Yeuuuckkk....
Your entitlement and vitriol is apparent.
If this is how you choose to conduct yourself, do not be surprised if you continue to fail.
Just being completely honest here.
Again, I have to agree. The OP's posts seem to be seething with anger at perceived slights from people online who may or may not be nervous, inexperienced with online dating, clueless about what to say, or are just flakes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
It reads to me that you are investing too much emotion early on, which is why you are getting SO offended.
Totally.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ_
What's frustrating is that everyone on this thread is telling me it's all my fault and I'm not doing anything right. So I don't care. I'm not asking for advice anymore on this board. Everything I do is wrong apparently and it's incomprehensible that another person's behavior could be what's wrong.
So, you guys can keep on telling me how I'm wrong and hostile and vitriolic. Go ahead.
Proof positive that you are just taking everything ultra personally and pouting and saying "I'm going home" when people don't agree with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
No one is telling you anything is your fault, but that you frustrating yourself with a non-responsive woman just because you like her hair color and her picture.
My therapist would always tell me that people will treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. She would tell me this because she said I see myself as deserving of mistreatment because there's something very wrong with me. And maybe there is. My dad always told me there is. But my therapist tried to convince that there isn't. But what am I supposed to think when every person I meet in real life treats me like I have no feelings? Because I don't show emotion the same way they do, they think I have no feelings. When I was in school I was bullied relentlessly because people thought I didn't feel anything and they got a kick out of that.
So I took my therapist's advice very much to heart. Because I think everyone is worthy of basic kindness, even me. So yeah, when I feel like someone is not being kind I immediately go to my default which is "well, that's because there's something wrong with me." But after awhile I realize that's not the deal. And this person should not be treating me this way.
And I know that all of this information is too much for you guys and you probably don't want to hear it, but I'm just trying to make you see how I see things so that you can understand why it hurts so much when people are mean. And I know mean people are a fact of life and that's why I don't go out of my house except for work and to hike with my dog.
And it wasn't just that I was reacting to the redhead who was rude, but someone in this thread told me I was vitriolic and, well, I don't care what anyone says but I am not a vitriolic person and to make that accusation is hurtful and I take it personally. I would never attack anyone anywhere because that's not me. But it's ok to attack me? Well sure it is, because I have no feelings, right?
My therapist would always tell me that people will treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated.
Because I think everyone is worthy of basic kindness, even me.
And this person should not be treating me this way.
This is all true.
It's still no guarantee that other people will react to you the way you want them to.
Your dad's influence still looms large in your life, though, and you just have to keep your therapists advice at the forefront.
I think it's more a matter of you thinking that you are a good guy, nice, responsible, would treat a lady fine, etc. etc., and are offended that people who have no clue who you are, are unable to see this immediately once you begin speaking to them online. It is easy to take things personally. That is why other posters have tried to point out out that you are viewing this strictly from your own perspective. The people you are talking to have no clue who you are. They don't know if you are playing games, if you are juggling women, if you are using the site to lead people on, etc.
Your expectation is that anyone you come into contact with will behave and interact with you in a way that passes your standards and if they don't you get very angry. If you are not experienced with online dating (I am not either, but have friends who are and dropping out or having not much to say is pretty common) until very recently, then you do not understand that the way things work is that people drop out of conversations, vanish, etc. Since you are not of that type, you get angry and offended. I guess you could compare it to people who get enraged when children today are not made to sit down and hand write a thank you card for gifts they receive and mail them to the gift givers. Or people who hate textspeak: hw r u? Or this new (in my opinion vile) habit of men wearing baseball caps in restaurants. The list goes on.
It just seemed to me that you got so angry and offended that people were not doing what you wanted them to do, not replying the way you wanted them to, were not talkative enough, or sent mixed signals. Instead of simply asking them "What's up?" You took offense and then came here to post about your expectations of civility which really doesn't get you anywhere.
Your last post sounds like you are totally feeling sorry for yourself. You really need to get over that and calm down.
I think it's more a matter of you thinking that you are a good guy, nice, responsible, would treat a lady fine, etc. etc., and are offended that people who have no clue who you are, are unable to see this immediately once you begin speaking to them online. It is easy to take things personally. That is why other posters have tried to point out out that you are viewing this strictly from your own perspective. The people you are talking to have no clue who you are. They don't know if you are playing games, if you are juggling women, if you are using the site to lead people on, etc.
Your expectation is that anyone you come into contact with will behave and interact with you in a way that passes your standards and if they don't you get very angry. If you are not experienced with online dating (I am not either, but have friends who are and dropping out or having not much to say is pretty common) until very recently, then you do not understand that the way things work is that people drop out of conversations, vanish, etc. Since you are not of that type, you get angry and offended. I guess you could compare it to people who get enraged when children today are not made to sit down and hand write a thank you card for gifts they receive and mail them to the gift givers. Or people who hate textspeak: hw r u? Or this new (in my opinion vile) habit of men wearing baseball caps in restaurants. The list goes on.
It just seemed to me that you got so angry and offended that people were not doing what you wanted them to do, not replying the way you wanted them to, were not talkative enough, or sent mixed signals. Instead of simply asking them "What's up?" You took offense and then came here to post about your expectations of civility which really doesn't get you anywhere.
Your last post sounds like you are totally feeling sorry for yourself. You really need to get over that and calm down.
I'm calm. And I was never angry, I was frustrated. There's a difference, you know. I'm just going to take people's advice and forget about the redhead. I don't want to block her though because maybe she might decide to explain herself and why she responded to me that way. If I don't hear from her in 24 hours I'll block her and she'll be permanently out of my mind. And I'm talking with a woman in Florida now and she is really nice and our conversations are easy and she actually wants to know about me.
One poster said that I shouldn't continue with the Florida person either because she's too far away. But how often do you think I actually make a connection with someone? I can tell you, not much. So, I don't care how far away this woman is if I connect with her. It's only a 3 hour plane flight if we decide to meet up. That's not too bad. I just need to figure out when's the right time to talk about meeting in person. That's what makes OLD so difficult is that I don't know what the rules are. Do I have to wait a certain number of days or weeks before I ask her if she wants to meet? What's the general consensus on this?
I'm calm. And I was never angry, I was frustrated. There's a difference, you know. I'm just going to take people's advice and forget about the redhead. I don't want to block her though because maybe she might decide to explain herself and why she responded to me that way. If I don't hear from her in 24 hours I'll block her and she'll be permanently out of my mind. And I'm talking with a woman in Florida now and she is really nice and our conversations are easy and she actually wants to know about me.
One poster said that I shouldn't continue with the Florida person either because she's too far away. But how often do you think I actually make a connection with someone? I can tell you, not much. So, I don't care how far away this woman is if I connect with her. It's only a 3 hour plane flight if we decide to meet up. That's not too bad. I just need to figure out when's the right time to talk about meeting in person. That's what makes OLD so difficult is that I don't know what the rules are. Do I have to wait a certain number of days or weeks before I ask her if she wants to meet? What's the general consensus on this?
What I don't understand here is why you are so ready to block the redhead if you don't hear from her in 24 hours. She does not know that somewhere in her world is a timer counting down.
Try to put yourself in her shoes for a minute. You are telling us that you are interested in her and think there may be something. Her last interaction with you was you saying "cool" when she said she hasn't figure out what to ask you. Maybe she was nervous and froze, doesn't know what to say? Maybe she likes the guy to take the lead and just blather on about himself for a while. You won't know unless you ask which brings me to my question:
Why can't you simply ask her what the deal is? "I enjoyed your profile and think that might be a compatible match but I'm not getting that vibe from you although you have been in contact with me. Would you like to try to pursue this further or no?"
I just can't help but think that you feel like you shouldn't have to ask, that somehow she should just know that you're a great guy and her inability to see that from jump street offends you to the point that you would block someone that you think has potential because they are not responding in the way that you expect them to.
Last edited by cleasach; 07-02-2018 at 01:21 PM..
Reason: fixed a typo and an error
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