Relationship has taken a 180 in the last two weeks... (serious, honest, nice)
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I am amazed that you are still letting this hot mess take up so much space in your head for absolutely no good reason. And you're always asking the wrong questions.
This was 8 months ago.
You still don't appear to understand even the basic interactions with her, and that is alarming.
You aren't meant to be together. The only reason you don't see her for what she is? You just don't want to.
She's obviously interested in rekindling things with you.
On threads like these, so many posters act like everyone should always respond the right way, the way that makes sense, and no one is ever messed up or confused or stressed or just screws up sometimes. These things should be forgivable if the person tries to rectify them. No one is perfect. Searching for perfect may lead to a lot of loneliness, in my opinion.
From the very first post, this stuck out at me: "and I think she could tell I was annoyed, so I told her I was upset that she was being distant and seemed withdrawn." If I were in the middle of court trouble, dealing with a baby and a mentally ill ex, and health problems, and steroids... and some guy said something like that to me, I would think him selfish and unfeeling. In an especially trying time, how did you take care of her? Support her? Flowers? Anything?
But that's water under the bridge. Generally, my point is this. So many people think one person is just exchangable for another. "She has too much drama. Just go find another woman." If you like THIS woman, take time again to get to know each other. Practice empathy and actually communicate. If you're fine with how things are, paint the wall yourself.
I think it's silly to believe that people who screwed up in the past could never be a quality person ever again in their life.
She's obviously interested in rekindling things with you.
On threads like these, so many posters act like everyone should always respond the right way, the way that makes sense, and no one is ever messed up or confused or stressed or just screws up sometimes. These things should be forgivable if the person tries to rectify them. No one is perfect. Searching for perfect may lead to a lot of loneliness, in my opinion.
From the very first post, this stuck out at me: "and I think she could tell I was annoyed, so I told her I was upset that she was being distant and seemed withdrawn." If I were in the middle of court trouble, dealing with a baby and a mentally ill ex, and health problems, and steroids... and some guy said something like that to me, I would think him selfish and unfeeling. In an especially trying time, how did you take care of her? Support her? Flowers? Anything?
But that's water under the bridge. Generally, my point is this. So many people think one person is just exchangable for another. "She has too much drama. Just go find another woman." If you like THIS woman, take time again to get to know each other. Practice empathy and actually communicate. If you're fine with how things are, paint the wall yourself.
I think it's silly to believe that people who screwed up in the past could never be a quality person ever again in their life.
For what it's worth, I think this lady is as much a "quality person" as the next. But I still think they should leave the past in the past.
Blackswan will always be expecting the other shoe to drop with this lady. He will always wonder when and if she's going to go distant on him again, and he will act accordingly...always guarded, afraid to get close. Close to her, close to the baby...that he had affection for, before.
I just feel like...use it for a learning experience, wish her well, and...move on.
She's obviously interested in rekindling things with you.
On threads like these, so many posters act like everyone should always respond the right way, the way that makes sense, and no one is ever messed up or confused or stressed or just screws up sometimes. These things should be forgivable if the person tries to rectify them. No one is perfect. Searching for perfect may lead to a lot of loneliness, in my opinion.
From the very first post, this stuck out at me: "and I think she could tell I was annoyed, so I told her I was upset that she was being distant and seemed withdrawn." If I were in the middle of court trouble, dealing with a baby and a mentally ill ex, and health problems, and steroids... and some guy said something like that to me, I would think him selfish and unfeeling. In an especially trying time, how did you take care of her? Support her? Flowers? Anything?
But that's water under the bridge. Generally, my point is this. So many people think one person is just exchangable for another. "She has too much drama. Just go find another woman." If you like THIS woman, take time again to get to know each other. Practice empathy and actually communicate. If you're fine with how things are, paint the wall yourself.
I think it's silly to believe that people who screwed up in the past could never be a quality person ever again in their life.
I agree, so many posters are so quick to dismiss everyone and just say move on. I see the same posters doing it in many threads, so I don’t really value their opinions cause it’s so one-sided. Looking back I do see how I was probably a bit sensitive and selfish when I said that. However, I did apology in texts and letters if that really bothered her. I don’t see that as a reason to break up or go silent over (especially as we had not really had an argument before), but like you said - not everyone responds in ways that make sense.
I know she had a lot of stress going on, and I do think I was very supportive and did whatever I could for her. But yea, I wasn’t perfect either and I didn’t respond ideally myself to her seeming distant.
My relationship before that was a hot mess so I do have some perspective, and I never would’ve described this relationship as difficult. She was going through a really stressful period in life and I think it was more bad timing than anything. I never felt overwhelmed by the “drama”, I really felt close to her son and didn’t see him as a burden, like I had when I was with mothers before. I felt like I was ready for it at this point in my life.
I am curious how you think I should handle it if you believe she is interested in rekindling things. I still feel confused about that and the messages still seem mixed. First the Christmas text. Then returning my things would seem as though she’s moved on, but why now is she acting friendly and talkative, and offering to help me paint the wall (even if she didn’t expect to follow through). Also, offering to have her Mom introduce me to a band while she might not be going to the concert herself - which means we’d have to talk again. Should I expect to hear something else from her, or do I initiate contact?
I feel like she is kind of responsible to make it a bit clearer as she was the one who abandoned things and ignored me. I don’t want to read into things to much, but she ignored me for a good 4 months until I bumped into her the one time and we had an awkward conversation. And now she contacts me out of the blue to give things back, but acts much different.
I appreciate you considering both sides and not just giving me the canned “move on” answer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
For what it's worth, I think this lady is as much a "quality person" as the next. But I still think they should leave the past in the past.
Blackswan will always be expecting the other shoe to drop with this lady. He will always wonder when and if she's going to go distant on him again, and he will act accordingly...always guarded, afraid to get close. Close to her, close to the baby...that he had affection for, before.
I just feel like...use it for a learning experience, wish her well, and...move on.
Sassy, I also appreciate and respect your opinion. I respect your opinion cause you took the time to see both sides, didn’t just say “find someone else because of the drama” like many others. I do think she’s a quality person and while I agree I would be guarded, ive been through worse and could get past it. However, I would take things slow and I’d have to hear some things from her to consider this again. But I would. I’m a forgiving person. At my age, most people have some type of baggage and the dating pool around me isn’t very promising. I did value my relationship with this woman, we had a good thing going.
And I know you think I should move on too, but ultimately I’m going to do what I feel is best for me. So I’m curious what you think if I was to give it another try (if that’s even what she’s getting at, or she was just being nice) - any advice on how to approach it safely?
I appreciate you considering both sides and not just giving me the canned “move on” answer.
It's not a canned answer. It's an informed, experienced answer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackSwan
And I know you think I should move on too, but ultimately I’m going to do what I feel is best for me.
I don't believe this ^^ at all. If you actually were going to do what's best for you, then you wouldn't be here wavering.
The reason you are SO confused is because there is still a healthy part of you, deep down inside, that is trying to make the decision that actually would be good for you. But the dysfunctional part of you, the one that wants people to be who you wish they were, is making it difficult. That's why you can't see the real problems here but are instead distracting yourself with faux conflicts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackSwan
So I’m curious what you think if I was to give it another try (if that’s even what she’s getting at, or she was just being nice) - any advice on how to approach it safely?
So here is where the rubber meets the road.
There is no safe way to approach this. You will not get a guarantee.
This woman does not have to be a monster to be a bad partner. Bad partners can handle stress well and be parents and seemingly manage multiple crises and still be really crappy partners. Sometimes they just cannot give you what YOU need to be happy in love.
She's doing it right now. She's already pulling you back in just when you thought you had some direction forward.
If you want to live a life on the edge, never knowing when she will suddenly blow things up or disappear or get distant, then keep pretending to seek a "safe" way to pursue her. It will be a fruitless chase.
Sure, she's human and messed up and confused like we all can be at times. But she's already shown you how she approaches relationships, and it's just not a great resume. To even think of taking her on because, welp, **shrug** nobody's perfect? That's just self-flagellation.
This woman does not have to be a monster to be a bad partner. Bad partners can handle stress well and be parents and seemingly manage multiple crises and still be really crappy partners. Sometimes they just cannot give you what YOU need to be happy in love.
.
This is very true. People can be good partners, but not be good partners *for each other*, as well.
As far as people telling you to move on? It's not "canned" or uncaring or whatever you want to think. It's people like me who have seen waaaaay too many people trying too hard to make relationships work when it's not working. Not every relationship can be "saved." Not every two people can be together-- not even every two people who *want* to be together. Just because someone can see that, just because someone wants to save you from making an effort at something futile, doesn't mean they're not trying to help you solve your problem. It just means you don't like the answer they're giving.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
Mommies only care about one thing. Sorry to say.
I know, right? I mean, how dare she devote a lot of time and energy to a very young infant that can do absolutely nothing for itself, shouldering the responsibility she took on?? Sickening, I tell you... What is the world coming to?
(For anyone who the extreme sarcasm does not slap in the face... yes, of course it's sarcasm.)
"Sassy, I also appreciate and respect your opinion. I respect your opinion cause you took the time to see both sides, didn’t just say “find someone else because of the drama” like many others. I do think she’s a quality person and while I agree I would be guarded, ive been through worse and could get past it. However, I would take things slow and I’d have to hear some things from her to consider this again. But I would. I’m a forgiving person. At my age, most people have some type of baggage and the dating pool around me isn’t very promising. I did value my relationship with this woman, we had a good thing going."
Blackswan, I'm curious about this new lady you are dating. You said, I believe, that it was new, but promising...right? What about her, in all this? I will assume that she's a quality woman too, right? So, what happens to her, when and if you decide to pursue this other woman again? How will you tell her you don't want to see her anymore? I hope you are honest with her about it.
I will tell you that I really believe there will be resentments that you will carry into the relationship, if you decide to take this other woman back. I really believe that.
She's doing it right now. She's already pulling you back in just when you thought you had some direction forward.
Well, that's a big part of what's confusing to me, and why I said if anything was to happen I feel it would be her responsibility to make things more clear. I don't think she's trying to purposely confuse me, but I do know she's not always direct. The message is mixed, was she just being cordial or nice by saying those things? Was she gauging the situation? I don't really know. So if she is looking to rekindle things, I would need to hear what's changed, and give me some explanation of why she handled things the way she did. I'm not saying I'm just taking her back blindly.
And I realize there are no assurances that this couldn't happen again, but if I saw she was truly sorry, and made a mistake - I could find it in me to forgive her, and probably give it another shot. I mean what's the alternative? My dating prospects and pool is weak, I can't tell you how many I've had flake out on me, just not be interested in at all, or have nothing in common. I haven't met one that you wouldn't find some red flag over. As I said, everything between us was going great, and we were very happy together...we were talking future together. Isn't it possible that this was just bad timing and a mistake? If she shows some remorse and regret over what happened, what's the harm in giving it another shot? I will go through just as much pain dating, being flaked on, etc - than if I did give it a shot and it didn't work out in the end. But maybe it could, and things could be the way they were before all that **** hit the fan at once.
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