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Are you trying to analyze only a certain set, such as women age 18-22? Because due to variance in life experience, people's priorities shift. Does the opinion of a 39 year old woman count?
I have been in the casual sex market before, and I did not go for the best looking ones. I went for the interesting ones. Looks aren't a good predictor of a fun sex experience, which is what I was looking for in a short term no strings fling or one-night-stand...though let's face it, if he was good I'd want more than one night, but was fully capable of stopping way short of a "relationship" and keeping it casual.
If you saw me with my partner, you might think I was a "gold digger" since he's 20 years older than me, I guess? I've already said it, I had objectively better "looking" prospects, who were willing to partner with me, and richer ones too. At parties, I get comments all the time on my appearance and people tell my partner he's a "lucky man" and stuff like that. I'm telling you, it was a lot of compatibilities and how he makes me feel that sealed the deal for me. I make more money than he does, too.
And yeah, some of the guys I know, would reject Angelina Jolie if she offered. I've heard some dudes say that they find her tattoos and her lips completely gross and offputting and she looks like a freak. Not their thing. Also, I will go no further into detail on timber's appearance, except to say that you proved my point unknowingly.
I personally think he probably has an easier time with women than some people, because he likely has a chill and approachable friendly vibe about him, and when he is given a social opportunity, he makes good. He doesn't stand around all tense, staring at women like a dog stares at a steak. He treats women like people. Sometimes it really is that simple. But all of that is just me making a best guess based on what I know of the dude.
Variance in life experience, or the lowering of expectations and standards due to a need to do so, to achieve an objective? I have a cousin of mine,a 38 year old woman, who is still as attractive and fit as she was when she was 20. If you looked at her now, and you worked as a bouncer, you would card her. And she still lives and acts like a party girl, going out to party hard every night she can. meanwhile my female friends and male friends who lost their looks are now all seeking a serious relationship, or they're married.
People act according to what they can get. it has nothing to do with a change of priorities, of maturity, or a concern of growing up and seeing other people they wouldn't look at 20 years ago, as attractive potential partners now, and I'm partial to the priorities of the 18-22 age group because they match my own priorities. They just want to enjoy a good time and they don't take life too seriously.
Women who are in their late 20s, early 30s, at least the ones I meet, their concern is how good of a relationship/marriage partner I might be, my income, my housing situation, my potential income, my academical education, do i want to get married, do I want to have children, and that's so far away from my mind as much as winning the worldcup is at the fingertips of Germany.
It's like I'm getting interviewed for a job, and in a way, marriage is a job, and of course women who are looking.
yes, but you aren't dating a man who is 20 years older AND who is also overweight and ugly, and on a wheelchair, no? Because that's what I see, when I see women who are much younger than their sugar daddies. You ain't seeing Shakira married to some dude working at a coffee shop, you are seeing Shakira married to Gerard Piqué, one of the most desirable and eligible world-class atheletes in the world.
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I personally think he probably has an easier time with women than some people, because he likely has a chill and approachable friendly vibe about him, and when he is given a social opportunity, he makes good. He doesn't stand around all tense, staring at women like a dog stares at a steak. He treats women like people. Sometimes it really is that simple. But all of that is just me making a best guess based on what I know of the dude
I knew a guy at the University. He was 5'4'', skinny, and he had a meh face, but he didn't have any trouble approaching women. He was rejected by a lot of them, but he got lucky at least three times with three different girls, all of which were attractive, and who were so horny they were down to getting laid with a guy who wasn't their type, but who had the guts to make a move.
Variance in life experience, or the lowering of expectations and standards due to a need to do so, to achieve an objective? I have a cousin of mine,a 38 year old woman, who is still as attractive and fit as she was when she was 20. If you looked at her now, and you worked as a bouncer, you would card her. And she still lives and acts like a party girl, going out to party hard every night she can. meanwhile my female friends and male friends who lost their looks are now all seeking a serious relationship, or they're married.
People act according to what they can get. it has nothing to do with a change of priorities, of maturity, or a concern of growing up and seeing other people they wouldn't look at 20 years ago, as attractive potential partners now, and I'm partial to the priorities of the 18-22 age group because they match my own priorities. They just want to enjoy a good time and they don't take life too seriously.
Women who are in their late 20s, early 30s, at least the ones I meet, their concern is how good of a relationship/marriage partner I might be, my income, my housing situation, my potential income, my academical education, do i want to get married, do I want to have children, and that's so far away from my mind as much as winning the worldcup is at the fingertips of Germany.
It's like I'm getting interviewed for a job, and in a way, marriage is a job, and of course women who are looking.
yes, but you aren't dating a man who is 20 years older AND who is also overweight and ugly, and on a wheelchair, no? Because that's what I see, when I see women who are much younger than their sugar daddies. You ain't seeing Shakira married to some dude working at a coffee shop, you are seeing Shakira married to Gerard Piqué, one of the most desirable and eligible world-class atheletes in the world.
I knew a guy at the University. He was 5'4'', skinny, and he had a meh face, but he didn't have any trouble approaching women. He was rejected by a lot of them, but he got lucky at least three times with three different girls, all of which were attractive, and who were so horny they were down to getting laid with a guy who wasn't their type, but who had the guts to make a move.
Depending on life circumstances (not necessarily looks) I see women as we get older, becoming a LOT more picky in our partner choices. I mean, we may be down for some casual fun, or not, and we might go with a less attractive man if we think he might be a good time, if we're looking for casual (whether that's a ONS or a FB arrangement.) But a lot of women of any age, just are not willing to do that at all. And regardless, when it comes to selecting a relationship partner, we get pickier. Because we've usually had some experience, and we know what did not work, and we don't want to deal with any such crap ever again. So we would rather be alone than with Mr. Wrong. A woman at this stage has usually already done the family thing, and isn't looking for a man to make babies with. (I'm talking late 30's to 40's here.) What we want might be a "Bad boy" for a night of fun and nothing more...and heaven help him if he catches feels, because we're like NOPE...but not a "provider" as some men think, but a companion. Someone we can stand living with day after day. Guys I talk to sometimes seem to have a real blind spot about that in some conversations.
And the hottest woman I have yet to know in person, is in her mid 40's. People lose their ability to think and speak coherently when she enters a room. A lot of men I know (and I don't know your age, but that could be a factor in our conversation here, too) see women who are 18-22 or even in their 20's, as often childish, dramatic, high maintenance. Seems they, too, are looking for a companion.
Even a very casual fling I had, said he had two pieces of criteria for his partners: "I have to be able to have a conversation with you, and I have to want to f you." He did not feel he could hold intelligent conversations with very young women. But he was 48 years old at the time, so...
If you want some vague concept of my match with my present partner, based on I dunno...celebrities I guess. Imagine my boyfriend is like a cross between the scientist Durand Durand from the movie, "Barbarella" and Patton Oswalt. He's somewhere in that ballpark, but with maybe a bit more silver in his hair...he's almost 60 after all. Now go look up Sara Gilbert's IMBD page. The picture you see is about the league I am in, and in fact I'm a bit similar to her in another respect because my voice sounds almost like hers. That weird, snarky contralto thing. Are those two human concepts matched by "league?" More importantly...do we care? I don't think so. Our very compatible personalities make us both very happy together. And yes, we both find one another attractive enough for sexual desire, which does matter.
Most people are not perfect beauties, nor hideous troglodytes. Most people live somewhere in the vast middle area known as "average."
Which brings me to what I said about timberline.
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Originally Posted by timberline742
Thanks. I think?
You're welcome. Because an average looking man can increase his perceived value and attractiveness by orders of magnitude with a good personality. But the hottest man on earth, if he acts badly and projects toxicity, and is obviously a d-bag, and we women see that, sense that, his value and attractiveness will drop like a stone in our eyes. Every woman I know, could picture the hottest man she can imagine in her mind, and then imagine him acting like a sleaze, and she'll feel repelled. A man who starts at a place somewhere in the average range, like most do, and acts well, is a hot guy who will be appreciated, even approached.
A woman at this stage has usually already done the family thing, and isn't looking for a man to make babies with. (I'm talking late 30's to 40's here.) What we want might be a "Bad boy" for a night of fun and nothing more...and heaven help him if he catches feels, because we're like NOPE...but not a "provider" as some men think, but a companion. Someone we can stand living with day after day. Guys I talk to sometimes seem to have a real blind spot about that in some conversations.
A lot of men I know (and I don't know your age, but that could be a factor in our conversation here, too) see women who are 18-22 or even in their 20's, as often childish, dramatic, high maintenance. Seems they, too, are looking for a companion.
He did not feel he could hold intelligent conversations with very young women. But he was 48 years old at the time, so...
I agree with the sentiments in the above paragraphs.
To the first paragraph, I've noticed, just recently as I've entered the world of OLD, that many women are searching for "The One." This amazing guy who is going to be perfect for her and when she meets him all of her dreams will come true. This notion is so incredibly impractical to me. But you'd be surprised that the vast majority still believe in magic when it comes to finding a partner. A few of my chats with these women have ended rather abruptly when I told them that I don't think there's one guy out there just for you. I tell them that I believe there are those who will either accept you and see you as a viable partner or not. My opinion is not popular on match.com or eharmony.
To your second and third paragraphs, once again, I'm in agreement, mostly due to personal experience. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I dated quite a bit. I always struggled with the inability to have deep conversations about topics that matter, in the greater scope of life. It seemed like so many of these 20 something women couldn't see past their noses and the latest trends. As I moved into my 40s, I noticed this more. Although, I spent most of my 40s either married or completely single.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
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Originally Posted by RJ_
I tell them that I believe there are those who will either accept you and see you as a viable partner or not.
.
I really hope you don't use this language to describe what you are saying. If you do, is there any wonder they cease communicating with you when you say this?
I really hope you don't use this language to describe what you are saying. If you do, is there any wonder they cease communicating with you when you say this?
That's almost exactly what I tell them, because that's what I believe. It wouldn't benefit anyone if I was disingenuous with my opinions.
I agree with the sentiments in the above paragraphs.
To the first paragraph, I've noticed, just recently as I've entered the world of OLD, that many women are searching for "The One." This amazing guy who is going to be perfect for her and when she meets him all of her dreams will come true. This notion is so incredibly impractical to me. But you'd be surprised that the vast majority still believe in magic when it comes to finding a partner. A few of my chats with these women have ended rather abruptly when I told them that I don't think there's one guy out there just for you. I tell them that I believe there are those who will either accept you and see you as a viable partner or not. My opinion is not popular on match.com or eharmony.
To your second and third paragraphs, once again, I'm in agreement, mostly due to personal experience. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I dated quite a bit. I always struggled with the inability to have deep conversations about topics that matter, in the greater scope of life. It seemed like so many of these 20 something women couldn't see past their noses and the latest trends. As I moved into my 40s, I noticed this more. Although, I spent most of my 40s either married or completely single.
I don't think it's impractical at all for someone to be searching for "The One."
But what does that mean, though? If you're taking it to mean, "someone who is literally perfect" then of course it's ridiculous. But I take it to mean 1.) I want a long term partner, I'm not interested in racking up more short term partners at this time. 2.) I want someone who is a good fit for that objective, based on whatever priorities matter to me.
And those priorities vary...some will be more "realistic" than others. The unrealistic ones, either will settle, or be alone a long time, most likely. That's their prerogative.
I believe I finally found "The One." He has a rare quality that makes him very compatible for certain forms of intimacy that matter to me. He is not a violent man and doesn't go around doing what looks like foolish posturing to me. He has a lot of empathy. He is very philosophical and has quite a bit of self control. His financial and lifestyle habits are compatible to what I wanted, he is neither a burden on me, nor makes me feel like a burden on him. We have many interests in common and have great conversations. He is not paranoid or jealous, and when he has an uncomfortable feeling about something, we can talk about it like adults, with no tantrums or efforts to moralize his position or exert control--he treats me like an equal and we negotiate. We have genuine respect for each other, and genuine love.
This match wasn't easy to find, for either of us! We both had quite a journey to get here. It's way beyond just "accepting" each other.
And I don't think for one moment that I lowered my standards for this man. If other people think that the gold standard for a guy is based on appearance, or wealth, or swagger, they are free to think whatever they want. None of that was going to make me happy.
Guess the vibe I get with what you said, RJ, about "someone who will accept them" and the way they might be taking this...
It's like you're negging them. Nobody wants to be told, "well you are seriously flawed goods, you should be grateful and date me because I can accept you." It sounds like you're saying *sigh*...I'll settle for you and you should thank me for it.
That isn't what women are generally looking for, online or anywhere. I don't know if you mean to convey that, but it's possible that it's being received that way.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Guess the vibe I get with what you said, RJ, about "someone who will accept them" and the way they might be taking this...
It's like you're negging them. Nobody wants to be told, "well you are seriously flawed goods, you should be grateful and date me because I can accept you." It sounds like you're saying *sigh*...I'll settle for you and you should thank me for it.
That isn't what women are generally looking for, online or anywhere. I don't know if you mean to convey that, but it's possible that it's being received that way.
Of course it is being taken that way. It is telling them someone will think you're "good enough" to couple with. Just the terminology is all wrong. "Viable" relationships, someone will "accept you". Just, that's not being nice to a person. No women worth her salt is going to want to deal with a guy who says stuff like that. It's insulting.
I don't think it's impractical at all for someone to be searching for "The One."
But what does that mean, though? If you're taking it to mean, "someone who is literally perfect" then of course it's ridiculous. But I take it to mean 1.) I want a long term partner, I'm not interested in racking up more short term partners at this time. 2.) I want someone who is a good fit for that objective, based on whatever priorities matter to me.
And those priorities vary...some will be more "realistic" than others. The unrealistic ones, either will settle, or be alone a long time, most likely. That's their prerogative.
I believe I finally found "The One." He has a rare quality that makes him very compatible for certain forms of intimacy that matter to me. He is not a violent man and doesn't go around doing what looks like foolish posturing to me. He has a lot of empathy. He is very philosophical and has quite a bit of self control. His financial and lifestyle habits are compatible to what I wanted, he is neither a burden on me, nor makes me feel like a burden on him. We have many interests in common and have great conversations. He is not paranoid or jealous, and when he has an uncomfortable feeling about something, we can talk about it like adults, with no tantrums or efforts to moralize his position or exert control--he treats me like an equal and we negotiate. We have genuine respect for each other, and genuine love.
This match wasn't easy to find, for either of us! We both had quite a journey to get here. It's way beyond just "accepting" each other.
And I don't think for one moment that I lowered my standards for this man. If other people think that the gold standard for a guy is based on appearance, or wealth, or swagger, they are free to think whatever they want. None of that was going to make me happy.
I suppose it's your definition of "The One" that i'm not clear on. Because to me, we meet 1000s of people in our lives that we may see as a potential partner, but we end up with the one that sticks around, that sees more pros than cons in being with us. Maybe there's only one person who would stay with us or maybe there's millions of people out there who would stay with us.
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