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Old 07-16-2018, 05:02 PM
 
332 posts, read 285,665 times
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Until we decide I'm moving in, it's his place, and I need to understand that it will always be that way. I guess I'm kind of laying the groundwork for if/when I move in. Actually, I like the arrangement as it is for now.
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:09 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dixiemur View Post
Actually, I like the arrangement as it is for now.
Then honestly you should probably keep it that way.

If you move in you know you will probably start trying to make things the way YOU want them, and there will be conflict that you don't have to have if you maintain separate residences.
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:31 PM
 
1,532 posts, read 1,055,369 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Then honestly you should probably keep it that way.

If you move in you know you will probably start trying to make things the way YOU want them, and there will be conflict that you don't have to have if you maintain separate residences.
Yes. This is likely the best solution. Then, if the clutter and chaos become overwhelming, she can escape to her own place for a while.
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:33 PM
 
Location: on the wind
23,077 posts, read 18,456,708 times
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Years ago I knew a man who I would have enjoyed a closer relationship with. He had so many qualities I liked, humor, creative, full of new ideas, kind, intelligent, and honest. Except that he was scatterbrained about daily life. He lived in a perpetual state of (what seemed to me) chaos. He was chronically late for things; not a few minutes, an hour plus. He was unfailingly apologetic when he'd inconvenience someone else, so he was usually forgiven. His house and office were always a mess. He didn't seem able to plan ahead. But he was a kind and charming person everyone liked. Newer friends would sometimes try to "help" with little success. Eventually they just accepted him, saying "well, that's Grant for you. He'd happily offer you the shirt off his back, but he might forget where to find it."

You will have to decide what you can tolerate and what you can't and leave it at that. Otherwise you'll end up resenting him for what he can't change.
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:37 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
Eventually they just accepted him, saying "well, that's just Grant."
That's my experience as well.

There are some people who always get a pass from the people in their lives, who aren't really held accountable to even try to change. At his age, this man will always have to be catered to, his needs never really challenged, and it can be exhausting to be in their orbit.
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:42 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,052,822 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gusano View Post
He is going to bring more chaos into your life than you are going to bring order into his. He is a grown man and you are not his mommy. He is living the way he wants to live—otherwise he would change it on his own. Try to find a different project.

Best wishes.
I agree.

It is too bad that you did not go on a fun vacation by yourself, when he forgot to ask off for the same days.
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:42 PM
 
2,714 posts, read 5,348,165 times
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I think you should keep things the way they are. You sound like a good match now but if you move in, the incompatibilities will seriously damage the relationship. You won't be able to deal with it and he won't be able to deal with you not dealing with it. Then you'll be sorry that you gave up your place to move in there.

I have a female friend in her 50s who is like this and that's just her. We cleaned out her living room once just by moving stuff to the basement and she was so thrilled with how open and clear of stuff the living room was. A week later it was back to cluttersville.
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Old 07-16-2018, 06:09 PM
 
2,495 posts, read 4,349,351 times
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Clutter the likes of what you've described is grounds for separation for me. It's one thing to have a messy office, but to read that his managerial skills and home affairs (household, family & otherwise) also reflects extreme case of disorganization, I'd advise against moving in together anytime soon.

Good luck with your arrangement.
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Old 07-17-2018, 06:54 AM
 
3,501 posts, read 6,152,942 times
Reputation: 10034
If you think it's bad now, wait until the chaos starts impacting you more frequently. And it will. He will cause you to be late for everything. He will screw up your plans. He will cost you money (in wasted food & tickets, items he loses, etc.) Heck, he's already wasted your vacation time. Do you really want to be with someone this inept at adulting? This will not get any better; it will only get worse, the more time you spend with him. Do yourself a favor and just bail on it now.

Oh, and I disagree with the people who say it isn't a "wrong" way to live; it's just "different." Nope, being able to show up for important things on time and being able to maintain a professional office are, in fact, "right" ways to be an adult. Being a disorganized slob to the point that it impacts others is wrong and inconsiderate.

How much are you willing to overlook for this guy?
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Old 07-17-2018, 08:34 AM
 
888 posts, read 553,643 times
Reputation: 1984
He won't change. And you aren't his mother. He is living how he likes to live. He is 60 and a grown man, if he wanted to change, if how he was bothered him, he would change it. You can't swoop in and expect him to not be who he is. If you don't like how he is, you just shouldn't be with him. If you move in, you will just turn into a nag and his mother, and it won't work. You just need to decide if this is something you can live with, or not. There is no " coping" Either you accept him or you don't. Believe me at 60 he has no intention of changing who he is. So either accept him and don't plan on ever living together, or don't accept him and move on.


About the vacation, just because he couldn't go or wasn't on the ball with his vacation, doesn't mean you shouldn't have proceeded with your vacation as planned. You can't rely on someone to do everything you want to do, if they miss out, they do, you are still your own person. I'm married and even I wouldn't cancel a vacation if my husband couldn't go, we plan separate vacations anyways. I can't believe you gave up your vacation time just because he couldn't go. You earned that time, and time waits for no one. Don't base your life around what he can or can't do.
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