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For those of you who rely on your spouse for all your emotional support (either because you don't have friends in your area, or don't share emotional type stuff with family members, etc.), does this work for the two of you?
The reason I ask is that lately this has been an issue for me. DH and I moved to our area a year and a half ago, and have yet to make any friends, despite a lot of hard work. As a result, I rely on my husband for all my emotional support/needs. I'm an only child and don't really share personal things with my parents. DH's family is completely dysfunctional; we don't get along with his family and my in-laws have never shown any interest in getting to know me. So I don't have much of a support network, and neither does DH.
Lately I have had a very rough time--everything has seemed to go wrong. I hate my job, and my career plans for a career change haven't yet worked out. There are a bunch of other things too. Anyhow, I have felt very emotionally needy lately because of all this, and I turn to DH for all my emotional support. But he really can't provide all of it. He feels drained and I feel like I'm not getting all the support I need.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't have any social support outside DH. Have others experienced this situation as well, and if so, how have you dealt with it when your spouse is your only emotional support, and you feel they can't provide you with what you need in that area?
For those of you who rely on your spouse for all your emotional support (either because you don't have friends in your area, or don't share emotional type stuff with family members, etc.), does this work for the two of you?
The reason I ask is that lately this has been an issue for me. DH and I moved to our area a year and a half ago, and have yet to make any friends, despite a lot of hard work. As a result, I rely on my husband for all my emotional support/needs. I'm an only child and don't really share personal things with my parents. DH's family is completely dysfunctional; we don't get along with his family and my in-laws have never shown any interest in getting to know me. So I don't have much of a support network, and neither does DH.
Lately I have had a very rough time--everything has seemed to go wrong. I hate my job, and my career plans for a career change haven't yet worked out. There are a bunch of other things too. Anyhow, I have felt very emotionally needy lately because of all this, and I turn to DH for all my emotional support. But he really can't provide all of it. He feels drained and I feel like I'm not getting all the support I need.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't have any social support outside DH. Have others experienced this situation as well, and if so, how have you dealt with it when your spouse is your only emotional support, and you feel they can't provide you with what you need in that area?
I can only say that I do the same thing. Only vent to my SO.
doglover, that sounds like it's been a rough time for you, and your husband.
It's great that you have been able to go to him for emotional support but it's understandable that he cannot be everything you need or solve all your hurts. That's a really difficult thing for anyone I think.
I don't have a husband so I can't really comment from your perspective, BUT I do keep things to myself and have had times when my support network hasn't been very strong or helpful or even known how to help me and I've been needy of support. Two things have helped me in those times.
A counsellor: Perhaps not your thing, but I've found going to an impartial person with a good understanding of how the human mind works has been really useful in teaching me tools to use so that I can learn to rely on myself AND there's the added benefit of unloading all your fears and worries on someone that is trained to help you work through and resolve them. Sometimes just the process of having to articulate where you are struggling, and how you are feeling is enough to help you clarify it in your mind.
The other thing that I do, which really helps, is to write it down. The thing that's bothering me, if it's a person I write them a letter, telling them what is bothering me and why. If I'm angry I tell them, and I tell them why. All the things I'd like to say but cannot, I say. I get it all out on paper (or into the computer). The actual process of having to get it all out is very cathartic and reading back over things I've found that once I've said what I need to, actually had to think it through in order to write it down it can really clarify how I feel and where I need to work to fix it.
Maybe either or both of those suggestions might help you? Good luck with it.
My wife leans on me quite a bit, but she's also just self-sufficient enough that I don't have to shoulder it all for her all the time. And so it will have to be with you as well, sooner or later. Spouses need to be there for each other to get through the hard times, but if those hard times become indefinite, it can be too much for the relationship. A couple of suggestions are:
Get your career situation back in order. This is an obvious one and it sounds like you're working on it. But I emphasize it anyway because this is probably going to be the most effective way to relieve your own stress and consequently relieve the emotional pressures you are putting on him.
Meet new friends through professional, civic, volunteer or hobby organizations. Hopefully you can get enough contacts to eventually develop friendships with people you can confide in.
Get professional help. Whether it's a counselor to help you talk through your situation or a personal coach to help motivate you and possibly provide career guidance, this may be the quickest and most practical way to bring in some reinforcements to take a little bit of the load off your hubby. The two of you might want to talk about whether or not to include him in your sessions. If I were him I'd want to be there so I felt like I was doing everything I could to help.
For those of you who rely on your spouse for all your emotional support (either because you don't have friends in your area, or don't share emotional type stuff with family members, etc.), does this work for the two of you?
The reason I ask is that lately this has been an issue for me. DH and I moved to our area a year and a half ago, and have yet to make any friends, despite a lot of hard work. As a result, I rely on my husband for all my emotional support/needs. I'm an only child and don't really share personal things with my parents. DH's family is completely dysfunctional; we don't get along with his family and my in-laws have never shown any interest in getting to know me. So I don't have much of a support network, and neither does DH.
Lately I have had a very rough time--everything has seemed to go wrong. I hate my job, and my career plans for a career change haven't yet worked out. There are a bunch of other things too. Anyhow, I have felt very emotionally needy lately because of all this, and I turn to DH for all my emotional support. But he really can't provide all of it. He feels drained and I feel like I'm not getting all the support I need.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't have any social support outside DH. Have others experienced this situation as well, and if so, how have you dealt with it when your spouse is your only emotional support, and you feel they can't provide you with what you need in that area?
You need professional help. What will eventually happen is you will burn out your husband from leaning on him too hard. I am sure he is probably not much better off then you are.. so in other words he is having the same issues you are and then having to deal with yours also. It would be better off if both of you went and checked out some help. On the job thing.. not sure why you havent changed your career choice (could be a financial thing, dont know) But, you need to do it soon ... if it is schooling and you cant do it just yet.. look into going to a different job. Good luck!!
I am definitely looking into the counselor thing. In fact, that's my first choice way to work on this. The only thing is is that I've tried working with counselors in the past--I tried to different ones--and had negative experiences with them both times. I would prefer a referral, but since I don't know anyone in the area, I'm not sure how to get one. I could try asking my primary care Dr.--that's the only way I know how to get a referral.
Re: my career issues, that's a complicated one. I applied to graduate school this application cycle, and got rejected everywhere I applied. As a result, I'm stuck in my crappy job for another year and a half. I really dislike my job--I'm working way below my abilities and it's boring (and pays poorly). I've always been underemployed, and as a way to fix that I decided to go back to school. But I didn't get any acceptances for this application cycle. That was a major bummer. And I have recently started disliking my job even more because the working conditions have changed and made my job much more unpleasant. So I dread going into it. I am in the process of looking for a new job, but finding suitable employment has always been difficult for me because I've been a dilattante in my late 20's, trying out different jobs that aren't related to each other. As a result, my resume is confusing for employers, and gets tossed out in the trash when applying for jobs. So it's kind of a complicated situation, because I have to wait until next year to apply again for grad schools. In the meantime, I'm stuck being underemployed.
The friends thing both my husband and I have both given up on. We have joined a variety of groups, etc. and have met lots of people, but no friends. I have made one acquaintance here, who could potentially be a friend, but she's always "crazy busy." She has no time to hang out, except maybe once every 3 months. There's no way to build a friendship on seeing someone so infrequently, when you're just building a friendship. But she's the only person who has shown interest in a friendship. I am a friendly, outgoing person who is always asking others out for lunch, coffee, etc. but it's so hard when you feel like your interest is never reciprocated. Everyone already has their group of friends, it seems. I've pretty much thrown in the towel on the whole friends thing. It's too exhausting, and I've been rejected too many times. I still go to my groups, but now it's not with the intent of making friends--it's just to do the activity. My DH never tried very hard, and doesn't care if he doesn't have friends.
Last edited by doglover29; 03-31-2008 at 09:15 AM..
Forget about that counselor crap and all that friend nonsense.
Spend more time with your dogs.
Ditto! I go to my dogs for emotional support all of the time. I find that if you don't have other women to turn to for emotional support, dogs and cats are the next best thing. I'm pretty independent anyway, but my boyfriend (being a guy) is just only good for this sort of stuff. Men like to be problem solvers, not hand holders. Once they assess the situation and offer up a solution, they are done.
My best girlfriends are out of state. My immediate family is all in CA and my boyfriend's roots are all in FL. So my boyfriend and I really have only each other for support and someone to confide in.
I think that since your husband is doing so well at what he does, you have the option of trying to find a job that is enjoyable to you and less about making a top salary for your education and skill levels. I feel from your posts that you are being a bit snobbish about what jobs you envision yourself doing. It's very hard to find a job that pays a top salary and is enjoyable to be at. I think that your personal happiness is much more important than a fat paycheck. Especially if your household budget doesn't necessarily need it (remembering that your husband wouldn't mind you being a stay at home mom in the near future).
Men like to be problem solvers, not hand holders. Once they assess the situation and offer up a solution, they are done. .
This is SOOOOOO annoying! People (oops, women) need to simply vent. You'd think "listening" has been popularized enough! Just shut up with your "solutions"... and shove them where the sun doesn't shine. It's just not in their nature, I suppose.
This is SOOOOOO annoying! People (oops, women) need to simply vent. You'd think "listening" has been popularized enough! Just shut up with your "solutions"... and shove them where the sun doesn't shine. It's just not in their nature, I suppose.
Not all men are like that.. I would agree most are.. but not all.. some of us like to see things through.. and sit down and listen... but sometimes there is a breaking point on that too...
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People (oops, women) need to simply vent. You'd think "listening" has been popularized enough! Just shut up with your "solutions"...
and shove them where the sun doesn't shine. It's just not in their nature, I suppose.
