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Well who ever said commitment had to be realistic? As far as my understand goes the west's standard for marriage is heavily idealistic, almost to the point of naivety.
I've never been married so I'm asking as an observer.....
Do you think spouses who've been married longer -- owe each other more than spouses who've been married a short time?
Examples:
-- An acquaintance in her mid-sixties married her second husband, whom she'd known only a short time. a year -and-a-half after they married, she fell in her apartment (where they lived) -- and broke her neck and became paralyzed from the neck down. (Supposedly they were in the early process of separating when she fell)
-- A couple married, two years in he gets a brain injury, a few years a later the wife feels she must leave, due to how he's changed emotionally.
-- What about tragedies of newlyweds injured on their honeymoon?
In cases like these, or even others I suppose, do you think if these couples had been married for 20, 30, 40 years -- instead of two or less -- that the uninjured spouse would stay in the marriage, or "owe" the other spouse the commitment of staying and caring for the injured spouse??
Or is feeling the level of commitment separate from how long one has been married??
Length of marriage is not relevant. Married is married.
The person has to stick it out unless s/he is being abused.
If my spouse became verbally and or physically abusive, I would be gone. Married five days or married fifty years wouldn't matter. I grew up with that kind of abuse and promised myself I would never let it into my adult life.
"For better or for worse" never means allowing your spouse to be abusive. I would be heartbroken if I knew the cause was an illness or injury, but better heartbroken and safe than in a constant line of fire.
A vegetable? Really? Isn't the level of the discourse thus far above that way of describing people?
Sure, why not? If someone has zero mental capabilities, vegetable is an appropriate descriptive term. Or "vegetative state".
My mother has severe dementia. She's in a memory care facility. If she can identify me at all, she thinks I'm her brother. "Son and Geoff" only happens rarely. That's where she needs to be. 24x7 care. Safe. RN in the building daily. Geriatric physician and geriatric psychiatrist in the building weekly.
If I had a spouse in that condition, it would be the same thing. Or vegetative and they needed constant skilled nursing, a nursing home. I don't have the 3 or 4 million in net worth to fund that level of private care.
If it were the hypothetical paralyzed from the neck down, my personal ethics would have me hang in there. I'd be pushing the wheelchair, doing the showering, feeding, Depends. I can afford to private pay the CNA coverage to get away from it for 30 or 40 hours per week.
We have discussed these things, ranging from minor impairments to when we'd want to be allowed to die. It's complicated, and well worth discussing before you marry, or at least before such situations arise (you can after they do, but the discussion will be less rational).
Our solutions would range from changing nothing, through an open marriage to get needs met elsewhere, a "Medicaid divorce" for serious impairments requiring permanent nursing home care, to denying treatment/pulling the plug. We are both firmly of the opinion that you do not ruin two lives because one is devastated. You do the best for the ill/injured spouse, but then make the best life you can for yourself, either with them, or without them. Compassion is very important, but that includes compassion for yourself. Sacrifice can be noble - or just stupid.
This is actually a conversation we have a lot, as my husband is a veteran, and many of our friends and his colleagues have had marriages affected by military service-incurred PTSD. It isn't an uncommon issue in our circles related to his military career.
Overall, people's standards for their marriages are all different. Not everyone even does the "sickness/health" vows.
We did.
We also know that people can and do sometimes change, very drastically, through no fault or action of their own. I would like to think that, barring being in a situation that turned dangerous or was in danger of turning dangerous for anyone, preservation of the relationship would be the prime objective. But it's something you just can't know until you're in the situation.
"Vegetative state" is a medical term. "Vegetable" is a disrespectful slang term for someone with diminished mental capacity.
It is, but you'd think we could come up with a better one.
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