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I've been with my guy for a long time, so I'm really curious what kind of standards the ladies out there these days hold to, whatever those standards are.
The most minor thing I wouldn't want is a roving eye &/or staring at other women excessively. I know men will look here & there, but if it's done excessively, that's when I call him out on it & see if he changes. If not, then I don't see myself hanging in there for long.
So, for me, definitely NO...
lying
flirting
cheating
having a sneaky character
narcissism
being controlling
drinking/drugging/smoking
gambling
odd sexual fetishes that I'd never do
threesomes/orgies
just being dumb/saying dumb things, being too silly or immature
being crass
him going to strip clubs and similar places
looking at porn - I wouldn't like it, but I guess if he does it in private...I don't know. He'd be aware that I don't like him looking at it.
The list above is MY list. If others don't mind any of the above, that's their business. For me though, if a man chooses to be in a committed relationship, he needs to have a certain level of respect for me & our relationship. If he can't do it, he should stay single then.
Plus no abuse of any kind....but that naturally goes without saying, for all!!!
For me, controlling, not understanding that I need my space sometimes, not able to hold down a job, not liking animals ( or at least putting up with them since I have pets and do animal fostering), not willing to be equal partners around the house ( we both clean, take care of kids, etc). Obviously abuse of any kind is unacceptable.
Good lists, all three of you. I wish I'd made those lists 30 years ago, but we can't change the past, only look to the future.
Yeah, you bet. I wish I'd known about how problematic some of this stuff could be, and more importantly, that I deserved better and could have better, back when I was 18 or so.
Wish I'd had a clearer vision of what I wanted out of life, the confidence that it was entirely possible for me to achieve, and the clarity that I needed to steer clear of anyone who was fundamentally incompatible with that vision, back then. But I tell you what though...(Hank Hill voice, "Ah tell you whut!")...It really has a lot of bearing on choices I make with my sons. No matter how hard it is to get them through their teen years and high school, I will NOT toss them out of the nest at 18, with zero support and no guidance on how to get feet on path to adult life. Not like my family did to me. I felt like I was nobody, and I had no idea how to even begin to change that. I think a lot of young adults fall through the cracks that way. But all the same, I'm proud of myself for how far I have come. I'm one hell of a tenacious Spork!
Knowing that a man has any of the following attributes would prevent me from even starting a relationship with him:
Extremely arrogant/conceited
Refusal or inability to get or keep a job (unless he is comfortably retired or a successful business owner)
Dishonest
Unkindness/Lack of Respect toward others -- i.e., a bully in any way
Prison record or multiple arrests. (Would make an exception for some protesting.)
An alcoholic or illegal drug addict or user (exception was marijuana before it became legal)
Someone of a VERY different culture from mine
Over 25 and still living with parent(s)
Racist
IQ below 100.
Being gay, bi-sexual, transgender, or having any kind of sexuality other than heterosexual
Extremely poor health or some kind of very serious disability (for example, blind or paralyzed)
Morbid obesity
Someone who smokes cigarettes or cigars
A vegan or physical fitness fanatic Any piercings or multiple tattoos
Someone who is very religious and closed-minded about religion/spirituality
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However, once I am actually married or in a living together relationship, the following are the only issues that would cause me to leave it:
Alcoholism
Illegal Drug Use
Physically Abusive in ANY way or extremely emotionally abusive
Going to prison or multiple arrests. (Would make an exception for some protesting.)
Refusal to get, or inability to keep, a job unless we had enough to retire in comfort.
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I know that some of the "requirements" before I would even consider having a relationship with someone seem contradictory, but I am a moderate in almost all things who dislikes any kind of extreme behavior or thinking. I actually can't think of any exceptions to that, except that I don't think a person can be too kind or too honest.
Btw, I am 64, and not counting my current husband of 30+ years, the average length of my three other LTRs was four years, so my being so particular has not been an obstacle in finding a man who meets all the above requirements. It seems that with me, people either want to have a long-term relationship or no relationship at all! In fact, I have only dated a total of five boys/men that did NOT result in a LTR that lasted at least eight months.
Last edited by katharsis; 07-24-2018 at 05:07 PM..
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