How To Deal With a Partner With Bad Social Skills

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by MinivanDriver

Second, people skills are nothing more than a product of awareness of others. If her people skills are that terrible on the job, they will likely come to roost in your marriage. I would be leery about marrying someone that self-centered.

Awareness, and caring about how others feel and think, combined. But yes, agreed.

[MadeUnderground]

Originally Posted by germaine2626

Wait. You are in college, in your mid-twenties, and you own a house, and you just purchased an $8,000 fence with your girlfriend (not your fiancé, not your wife), who will be going back to school in the fall?

I think that you may have bigger problems than your GF quitting jobs and burning her employment bridges behind her.

Hmm. You could be right. I do not take any loans for my school, I pay out of pocket as I go as well as a grant. I should be done in a year or so.
I don’t know what’s wrong with owning a house though. It was more cost effective than continually renting a house. I do have some regrets on that but it’s already been done so there’s no point in lamenting about it now. For the most part, and by that I mean 95% of the time I’m super happy I bought the house.
Why is she not my fiancée? Sorry I don’t understand that bit. But sure, girlfriend. OK.
And yeah, you could be right. Guess it wouldn’t be the first time I made a bad life choice and paid the consequences. The main thing I am focused on is what I can do now with what I’ve got, and what I’ve chosen to do. So I’m going to focus on responding mostly to people who offer advice. I do appreciate the fact that you read my long post and commented though, thank you.

Originally Posted by zentropa

Oh dear. This has the potential to be a huge, life-lesson-sized mess for you.

I’m well aware. And if it does turn out to be that, then hopefully I won’t be dumb enough to repeat it, ha.

Originally Posted by Chicken-wings

When are you supposed to get married? You may need to delay ( I really hope you do) because right now you are approaching the relationship more like a parent than a partner you know? That's why you need counseling. You will not be happy if you feel like you are going through life constantly trying to remind her to be civil and "managing" her like a father manages a child while she barely returns the favor of peronally caring for you. That will get old very fast and being married won't make everything better sudenly.

The wedding has been delayed indefinitely at this point. It was supposed to be this summer. Now I don’t know when, but we have both discussed and agree on a long engagement.
Thank you so much Chicken-wings. You are absolutely right. I’m afraid of that too. How do people normally pay for counseling?

Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl

I couldn't imagine taking a vacation when I just quit my job and owe money to my boyfriend's parents. She sounds childish and irresponsible.

I’m sorry that was my mistake. We owe HER parents money, not my parents. And she’s going on vacation with her family; she has a large family and they’re going to watch some of the younger siblings in some kind of tournament. The vacation was planned months in advance and I encouraged her to go. Sorry for being unclear in my original post.

Originally Posted by MinivanDriver

Truthfully, after reading all that, I would have major doubts about entering into a marriage. Marriage is a partnership, romantically, intellectually, and financially. Yet you are entering into this partnership with someone whom you cannot trust. Trust is the bedrock of any successful relationship, and you don't have it here.

First thing's first. If she fires off an angry resignation letter to her employer, then she has major maturity issues. What's more, I'd be interested to know why they slashed her hours like that. Where is the cause and effect?

Second, people skills are nothing more than a product of awareness of others. If her people skills are that terrible on the job, they will likely come to roost in your marriage. I would be leery about marrying someone that self-centered.

You are correct. I suspect I know why the hours were slashed. Yes management may or may not be bad like she says but she just needs to learn to deal with it. At minimum. I personally would try to be on the managers good side still, but at minimum deal with it and make it so the managers don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling about working there.
And yeah, I’ve known about her bad communication skill since the very beginning. I have no one to blame but myself.

Originally Posted by timberline742

Awareness, and caring about how others feel and think, combined. But yes, agreed.

Yeah, I think her upbringing has not helped her in this way. She has 9 other siblings, all of them are younger than me (and I’m in my mid-twenties), they were all home schooled. Their social skills developed around each other. So they’re all a bit odd – some downright .. bad. But as they get older they’re getting betterish. My fiancée is one of the shyer ones, like one or two other ones. The oldest two have horrible, horrible tempers and have explosive anger and it’s just .. ridiculous. Thankfully they’re hardly ever around when I visit.

The third has borderline narcissistic behavior. I don’t think he’s diagnosable NPD, but wow. The things that come out of his mouth sometimes. And he’s probably one of the ones I get along with the most out of the group. The others are just too young.

One girl is obsessed with herself. Almost like the boy above, but in a different way.. just princess-y mentality. And another girl is a diagnosed compulsive liar.
I will say that I was also home schooled, for just as long as my fiancée, perhaps a year longer (all the way up to last 2 years of HS). But I only have one older sister and we are both extremely sociable, charismatic and get along with just about everyone. Our parents had us do a lot of activities, clubs and organizations outside of the house as we grew up.

I’ll have to delete this particular post in the next day or so, a bit too detail-y to leave on the internet forever.
Thank you again for all the help!

[zentropa]

Originally Posted by MadeUnderground

How do people normally pay for counseling?

What do you mean? You don't have health insurance? But you just spent $8,000 on a fence?

[Chicken-wings]

Originally Posted by MadeUnderground

Yeah, I think her upbringing has not helped her in this way. She has 9 other siblings, all of them are younger than me (and I’m in my mid-twenties), they were all home schooled. Their social skills developed around each other. So they’re all a bit odd – some downright .. bad. But as they get older they’re getting betterish. My fiancée is one of the shyer ones, like one or two other ones. The oldest two have horrible, horrible tempers and have explosive anger and it’s just .. ridiculous. Thankfully they’re hardly ever around when I visit.

OK so this is VERY telling. It's no wonder she has emotional problems. I would really seriously rethink marrying this woman. Did you buy the house with her, or is it only in your name? I think that's why some people here were alarmed about the house. It wouldn't be wise to tie yourself legally to someone this unstable.

[zentropa]

Sexual abuse is more common in large, cultish, isolated families where one or both parents have mental illness. It is also a precursor to personality disorders, which it seems like most of these kids have. Do you think she may have been a victim? That could explain her emotional instability and lack of boundaries.

[MadeUnderground]

Originally Posted by zentropa

Sexual abuse is more common in large, cultish, isolated families where one or both parents have mental illness. It is also a precursor to personality disorders, which it seems like most of these kids have. Do you think she may have been a victim? That could explain her emotional instability and lack of boundaries.

I don't know, I thought she could be when I first met her, and I have asked her in the past (I don't know why or how this came up but I do remember asking/wondering about it), she denied it. I don't know if she would admit to me if it had happened.

Originally Posted by Chicken-wings

OK so this is VERY telling. It's no wonder she has emotional problems. I would really seriously rethink marrying this woman. Did you buy the house with her, or is it only in your name? I think that's why some people here were alarmed about the house. It wouldn't be wise to tie yourself legally to someone this unstable.

Correct. At the time we purchased the house, I could not afford to get it on my own. However I could easily now. If things go south I know I will be the one keeping the house, since I am the only one that can pay for it.

Originally Posted by zentropa

What do you mean? You don't have health insurance? But you just spent $8,000 on a fence?

That was a dumb question for me to ask. I guess I thought there was some other kind of aid other than health insurance. Yes, we have health insurance lol. I just feel like every time I read on some forums and people say "go to counseling" and then they go on to talk about some thing to help with paying for it. But it could just be for certain issues and not all. I will make it a priority. I have been keeping counseling too far in the back of my mind.

All in all, I have made a lot of dumb choices in this one. It's hard to admit because I am usually such a cautious slow-moving person with the way I want my life to go planned out.. I think I was so desperate to escape the horrible rent around here that I didn't think about much else.

I would like us to work through this. I know every time someone comes online to seek advice for a particular problem, since they are only really talking about the problem the picture that is painted to everyone else is just the negative one.
Obviously if the negative is so dire then it would pretty much supersede any positive, regardless... But she has more positive traits than negative. Although I will be the first to admit that some of these negatives can be potential deal breakers if not dealt with.

So it seems like the consensus of everyone is pre-marital counseling, yes?

Again, thank you all so much.

[Chicken-wings]

Originally Posted by MadeUnderground

So it seems like the consensus of everyone is pre-marital counseling, yes?

From what I read counseling is the second choice. If you are determined to stay with her you DEFINITELY need counseling. She needs long-term individual therapy anyway, but premarital counseling will at least give you a safe place to discuss things that bother you. It's just really hard to see what you are getting out of this relationship.

[codergirl]

You're not overreacting to the situation.I take it that you 2 live together so as you stated...you pay about 90% of the bills but not all of them...the other part she pays.Well you know that you can't count on her if you want to continue having a financially productive life living together to further the relationship because she's not stable when it comes to her work history.There is nothing wrong with leaving a job if you're stressed about it...but like you said..at least have another one lined up ready to go after you have quit the present job.This sounds like it's how she does things when it comes to jobs.It's not fair on you to have to juggle all the bills because of her quick non-thinking decision.As long as you decide to stay in this relationship...it will always be like this.Also the fact that she doesn't have any friends...except for you..right?Not a good thing.People in committed relationships SHOULD always have their own friends outside of the relationship.If one partner doesn't have that...it's not going to be a good thing for the other half.

[zentropa]

I think you really need to do some soul-searching about whether someone with symptoms of mental illness/emotional disorders, and a family history of same, is the best life partner for you.

Spend some time imagining how you will pass your years (jobs, moves, finances, children, inevitable life crises) with this woman if she never gets better. Then think about if she gets worse. Mental illness (f that's at the root) doesn't spontaneously resolve, even with treatment.

You're young. Don't make a mistake that will shape the rest of your life. And please use birth control faithfully.

[Levels77]

voice of hope here:

your gf reminds me of me. i grew up very sheltered and thus entered college with 0 social skills. i have flashbacks to ways I've quit jobs, email's i've sent to professors and they STILL haunt me years later because i'm so embarrassed about how i've handled professional situations.

i am totally different now. I took a long time (years) to learn rules of work culture and interaction.

I got better after therapy (find someone covered by your insurance, then there will be at most a small copay. couples therapy often is not covered but individual therapy is) as well as reading self help books.

I read a ton of self help books, and then the ones I liked I re-read them. I don't remember any of the tittles but who to win friends and influence people is very popular. Hopefully she can use this time in between jobs as a period of personal reflection and self growth.

You mentioned you had other hang ups that caused you to doubt? what exactly are these? is there a chance she may not start college? they could be red flags that your better off right now on your own and looking for someone else. but if they aren't deal breakers, i would give her a chance to change. you're still young so even if it doesn't work out you have time to meet someone else.