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Old 10-04-2018, 10:46 PM
 
1,593 posts, read 773,000 times
Reputation: 2157

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harry Hemi View Post
I actually did give suggestions in your other thread about this, and you didnt seem to notice. I suggest you go back and check that out.

Ill add this,
Youre doing well with your progress, but it looks like you have quite a ways to go. Be careful if you are trying to chat up women that are well done up, they want a guy to match. If youre not well done up, they will walk away quick. They want to be able to brag to their friends that they are talking to a guy that has it all together.

What have you done about the skin condition on your face?

If you are chubby, are you chatting up chubby women? Because there wont be many women in shape that would be interested in someone thats out of shape. Dont let people lie to you, looks always matter. Its just to what degree. Alot of people are the same, few are different that will give someone a chance that isnt generally attractive.
Whats your weight to height ratio?
Are you making sure your general hygene is good when talking to people? If you smell, people wont tell you. people suck like that.

Clothes wise, thats easy, just go to the mall and see whats on the mannequins. Buy clothes as close to the style as will look good on you.

Take it from someone who also had to start from scratch when learning to be better socially and romantically.

I looked back, I remember reading it now. Predicating on self-confidence. That's something that I have to fake. I don't feel it. Not much to do but keep working on myself and hoping I break through it.


I chat up anyone who looks like they're interested in chatting. Young, old, man, woman, doesn't matter. If anything I tend to *avoid women who are conventionally very attractive. I don't see that type all that often, and when I do I get the old insecurities coursing through my head..."She's very pretty, probably gets guys trying to talk to her all the time, she probably just wants to be left alone." That usually keeps me away, and they don't usually talk to me.

Of the women I've asked out in the last year there's only one who I would consider conventionally hot. The rest were generally 30+ every day women. I also don't cold-approach. I want to be at least acquainted with her and know something about her other than her appearance before I ask. Three meetings is the fewest I've engaged in before asking someone out in person.



Weight to height ratio? I'm assuming you mean BMI? 35.
Hygiene, I suppose. I keep the neckbeard off, I shower daily, deodorize, keep my nails trimmed, keep my hair and facial hair trimmed, wear clean clothes (and get rid of any clothes that get stained). Anything I'm missing? I don't wear cologne. I did a few times years ago and people at work complained, so I stopped. I probably don't have any sense of how to wear it correctly.

Last edited by At Arms Length; 10-04-2018 at 11:39 PM.. Reason: Forgot the word "avoid" in "avoid women who are..."
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Old 10-04-2018, 10:57 PM
 
10,075 posts, read 7,506,923 times
Reputation: 15500
young,old,men,women? and then you say one is hot and the rest are everyday women?

um... all women are every day women... what are you expecting, a poster girl? even instantgram girls look pretty bad if they didnt take dozens of photos and edit them until they find a single photo to post

you could you know, talk with them with the intention of beings friends because they look interesting. if it leads to something then it will

you arent some casanova, women wont throw themselves at you like in movies, try acting like a normal person
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Old 10-04-2018, 10:58 PM
 
3,092 posts, read 1,940,316 times
Reputation: 3030
I'll try to be honest but kind-

I know a few people like you in real life, and without exception there is always something holding them back. Because at your age if no one has said yes, that's an alarming problem. To keep it real, unless you've only asked a handful of women out, it's not just bad luck, it's something else. How many women have you asked out? Over 10? If yes, there is something wrong.

Go to someone you trust and ask them to level with you. If they do, you will at least know the issue and can get to work in addressing it.

Possibilities- you still have some weight to lose, extremely poor social skills, bad breath but you don't realize it, extreme lack of self awareness, etc....

One red flag that jumped out at me about your posts was long windedness. I don't say this to be mean, just to try and help.
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Old 10-04-2018, 10:59 PM
 
Location: California Bay Area
399 posts, read 220,249 times
Reputation: 641
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
I don't wear cologne. I did a few times years ago and people at work complained, so I stopped. I probably don't have any sense of how to wear it correctly.
Unless somebody is sitting right next to you, they shouldn't be able to notice it. I was taught to put a single quick spray by each shoulder or side of neck. I've always done it that way and only gotten compliments.

With respect to your weight - that is most likely the single biggest opportunity to improve. I agree with those who say that looks do matter to some extent. A woman I know told me the last guy she tried dating didn't work out because the guy was obese and she felt no attraction. (It was a blind date)
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Old 10-04-2018, 11:09 PM
 
1,593 posts, read 773,000 times
Reputation: 2157
Quote:
Originally Posted by MLSFan View Post
i wonder if he really had no one at all... the most likely case is the women interested in him, he blew off... just like the women who he asks out blow him off

people tend to think they have no options because they overlook the options they dont like... kind of like the people who say there are no jobs, they mean there are no jobs they want to do

For ten years after a particularly painful incident in college I had given up on myself...convinced myself that I wasn't cut out for that whole life experience. In this time I went on one date (double-date set up by a coworker, I was horribly awkward for the whole thing, the coworker never tried to set anything up for me again).

Three other times during this period I was pretty sure I had a good chance with people (one actually gave me her number), but my self-esteem and self-value were so low that I didn't pursue anything. The most recent one of those events was five years ago.
The last 2-3 years were mostly a situation of "Well, I'd be open to a relationship now, but I am horrible with women, so I should keep my distance and see if anything falls in my lap." Something fell in my lap late last year, a woman asked me on a date. I said sure. Started a brief, one-month long relationship that ended very, very badly. But it gave me the confidence to want to start working on myself to see if I could experience this side of life after all.
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Old 10-04-2018, 11:11 PM
 
10,075 posts, read 7,506,923 times
Reputation: 15500
Quote:
Originally Posted by deepsix View Post
Unless somebody is sitting right next to you, they shouldn't be able to notice it. I was taught to put a single quick spray by each shoulder or side of neck. I've always done it that way and only gotten compliments.

With respect to your weight - that is most likely the single biggest opportunity to improve. I agree with those who say that looks do matter to some extent. A woman I know told me the last guy she tried dating didn't work out because the guy was obese and she felt no attraction. (It was a blind date)
a lot of it isnt for other people to notice... you do it for yourself... they dont know you use cologne, but you do.

its like making your bed, no one cares but you

women put on make up for hours and the men cant tell one color from another... the make up is for the women to feel good more than for the guy
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Old 10-04-2018, 11:12 PM
 
3,092 posts, read 1,940,316 times
Reputation: 3030
Just reading your last post, your biggest problem may be passivity. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy...it's available online for free.
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Old 10-04-2018, 11:31 PM
 
1,593 posts, read 773,000 times
Reputation: 2157
Quote:
Originally Posted by MLSFan View Post
you could you know, talk with them with the intention of beings friends because they look interesting. if it leads to something then it will

That's what I do. So far it hasn't led to anything. I am bad at reading signals, though.


Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
I know a few people like you in real life, and without exception there is always something holding them back. Because at your age if no one has said yes, that's an alarming problem. To keep it real, unless you've only asked a handful of women out, it's not just bad luck, it's something else. How many women have you asked out? Over 10? If yes, there is something wrong.

Go to someone you trust and ask them to level with you. If they do, you will at least know the issue and can get to work in addressing it.

Possibilities- you still have some weight to lose, extremely poor social skills, bad breath but you don't realize it, extreme lack of self awareness, etc....

One red flag that jumped out at me about your posts was long windedness. I don't say this to be mean, just to try and help.


How many women...in the last year, six. In all the years before that, five. So, total of 11?


Weight is still an issue. I look like a completely different person from 11 months ago but that's not the comparison that matters...the comparison that matters is the one of me vs. the standards for attractiveness. I still have some ways to go on that. I'm still very overweight. I still have another 70 pounds I want to lose. Bad breath, I've been worried about that since high school. I've never had anyone complain about it, but anyone who knows me knows that I've always got breath mints on me. Social skills are improving.
Self awareness...can you explain what you mean?

I've asked two female friends (bluntly honest ones, too) for personal feedback on the matter. Reported on it much earlier in this thread. One of them even said point-blank "Arms, other than the weight which you're dealing with, there's nothing wrong with you." (Her words, I didn't prompt anything out of her with a loaded "What's wrong with meeeeee??" kind of a question. I just asked her to tell me what my strengths and weaknesses were for dating purposes.)


Edit: If anyone's interested, here's links to those two text conversations (personal info redacted):


https://i.imgur.com/nsreN2e.png
https://i.imgur.com/F9ILTW5.png

Last edited by At Arms Length; 10-04-2018 at 11:53 PM..
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:32 AM
 
Location: California Bay Area
399 posts, read 220,249 times
Reputation: 641
Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
One red flag that jumped out at me about your posts was long windedness. I don't say this to be mean, just to try and help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length View Post
I love how Arms' RL friend pointed out the same thing
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:39 AM
 
Location: Jacksonville
2,822 posts, read 1,921,155 times
Reputation: 3074
Quote:
Originally Posted by MogwaiLover217 View Post
It's depressing reading posts, threads like this, of course you are going to say then don't read them then, but they are very difficult to not notice, I like to feel this is been going on much longer than we think, men who go way beyond their formative years without any significant dating or relationship experience
I find it to be more common on this forum than in real, everyday life. I don’t know many 30-something men in real life that have never had at least a girl or two they’ve hooked up with. I went through about 5 years of chronic Singledom in my late 20’s, following the conclusion of a 5 year relationship. My best friend is currently going through something similar, after having a 5 year relationship end. He also had a 9 year relationship at one point before that.
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