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Which is related to why I really disagree with dysgenic here:
Not that being self-aware is bad. But the general mindset I see promoted here doesn't seem very healthy.
In particular, I feel like having the mindset of "competing" suggests insecurity. Why do you need to spend your time comparing yourself to others?
With that said, I agree that a,e,g, and i are valuable. Within "masculinity" I'd emphasize assertiveness/decisiveness. The others, I would either call redundant or valuable with only some (as opposed to all) women.
But - I don't think you need to think about them by comparing yourself to others. It's more a question of whether you have them (or are working on them) or not.
Depending on the type of Woman he's attracted to he will have to compete. A Woman with a 35 BMI still has multiple options. She may not like those options, but she has options. A man on the other hand with the same BMI unless he has money or charisma does not.
He will also have to compete against the Woman's own ego. Because many Woman ultimately determine because they don't like the options they have they rather just stay single. So you have to convince her it's even worth the time giving you a chance and that her life would be infinitely better with you than without a Man. All while somehow staying outside of the friend zone - Where you will get used for your intellect, time and the emotional comfort you provide while receiving nothing in return.
The know it all thing is a good clue. This can make you seem annoying, standoffish or arrogant. No everyone wants to deal with it. Tone it down a little in the early stages so the other parts of your personality can shine.
I do like a good debate, but not if it feels like every convo will be confrontational.
Except for OLD, I can't recall a woman giving me her number (without me asking), or propositioning me, etc. I'm a fairly well educated, in pretty good shape dude with a advanced degree, decent job, own my own place. It's not a common thing at all.
I can’t think of a time a gave someone my number without them asking first. That doesn’t mean I haven't dropped hints like - we should keep in touch, it would be fun to meet up or have you been to that place.
I have definitely initiated conversations, but proactively dropping my number is too far for me.
i love how the one woman told you to stop arguing devil's advocate all the time (i mean she dinged in right away with that one!) and your first reaction was to argue with her about it. Classic :d
op based on that tidbit and the circumlocutory nature of your posts here, it sounds like a big part of what's putting women off you is just your verbosity. Maybe you don't know when to quit.
That's not usually something that can be "fixed," unfortunately. As you said, it's just who you are.
I agree that you might look in to an evaluation for aspergers, and i agree that you need to get out of your own head. And by that i mean forcing yourself to focus outwardly instead of spending so much time and energy on you.
I can’t think of a time a gave someone my number without them asking first. That doesn’t mean I haven't dropped hints like - we should keep in touch, it would be fun to meet up or have you been to that place.
I have definitely initiated conversations, but proactively dropping my number is too far for me.
Actually I was number offered several times after an initial OLD message initiated by either them or me, so I'm not sure.
Depending on the type of Woman he's attracted to he will have to compete. A Woman with a 35 BMI still has multiple options.
Have options? Absolutely. But it shouldn't feel like a competition. I've had an experience fairly recently where I got the sense that a woman I was pursuing was trying to make me jealous. When that happened, I lost interest and stopped pursuing. I am not interested in playing games.
Depending on the type of Woman he's attracted to he will have to compete. A Woman with a 35 BMI still has multiple options. She may not like those options, but she has options. A man on the other hand with the same BMI unless he has money or charisma does not.
He will also have to compete against the Woman's own ego. Because many Woman ultimately determine because they don't like the options they have they rather just stay single. So you have to convince her it's even worth the time giving you a chance and that her life would be infinitely better with you than without a Man. All while somehow staying outside of the friend zone - Where you will get used for your intellect, time and the emotional comfort you provide while receiving nothing in return.
Not necessarily. There are many women out there that will use him as a placeholder to avoid being alone.
Im sure any woman that has to be convinced by him isnt going to settle with a guy that is obese. So he wont have to worry about those women.
Do you have male friends? If not, that's a major red flag. Second, when you ask, keep in mind that most people are going to be uncomfortable giving you the true answer. Therefore, I would sit someone down face to face and say something like this: "Look, I'm 33 and have barely been on a date. I know there is a big big problem with me, but I don't know what it is. I really need to know. Please, please, please, please, just be brutally honest with me."
Yes, and one who has been so successful with women he's kind of burned out now and is doing the single thing by choice. I'll ask him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic
1. When most people say they are 70 pounds overweight, it really means they are 100 pounds overweight. Is this you? Be totally honest with yourself. Either way, you are severely restricting your female options. I say this as someone currently trying to lose a lot weight myself. As you continue to lose weight you will naturally be more and more confident. I would also recommend lifting weights and getting toned, fit, and muscular. A fit, athletic build has been called the great equalizer if you may be lacking in other areas.
2. You may be lacking in masculinity and you may be exhibiting too much feminine behavior. Watch other men that do well with women. Watch their body language and the way they comport themselves. Cut down on the amount of words you use, be more concise.
3. You are severely decreasing your value by the amount of information that you are sharing about yourself. There is not enough mystery there. When your friend said you are dependable and loyal, those are admirable qualities. They may even help you keep a woman once you get one, but they will not help you get a woman. If you want to get a woman, get dates, get interest, etc...you have to compete . If you don't have more to offer than the other 4-5 guys that are competing with you, you will always come up short. One thing that concerns me about your situation is that you have a stable career. I say 'concerns' even though having a stable career is a good thing. So to be brutally honest, it's concerning because your stable career is a check mark in your favor. That means you are probably severely lacking in other areas, but you don't realize it.
I am 70 pounds overweight. That is honest. I used to be a LOT more, but I've made it a focus point all year. I recently hired a trainer and started a strength routine. Not much to report on it yet, very recent.
Masculinity...maybe. Any general tips?
The information I'm giving I'm sharing...the internet is anonymous for a reason. I'm not hitting on anyone here, I know I'm throwing out a bunch of flags. I started a similar thread on Reddit and on a lark decided to try the personals there. That was a mistake, using that same account. I've already worked on that, got an additional account to post more generally, including in the personals.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic
4. Find a way to be more honest with yourself. How do you stack up in the following areas:
a- sense of humor
b- fun to be around
c- exciting
d- sex appeal
e- social skills
f- how interesting are you relative to other people?
g- misc skills- (do you excel at anything like athletics, music, politics, etc etc)
h- conversation
I- masculinity
Sense of humor- Naturally dry, dark, and sometimes sarcastic or ironic. Think Monty Python or Coen Brothers. I excel at quippy one-liners, they're my favorite way to start conversations. I've been told that I'm funny.
Fun to be around- I suspect not very fun, unfortunately, and I'm not sure how to improve it. Large social situations are difficult for me to navigate. I'm better at engagements with 5-8 people, but I'm rarely the life of the party.
Exciting- I'm fairly laid back. I don't display a lot of agitation or excitement. So probably not very?
Sex appeal- None. I've only had one person tell me I was sexy. She was in a bad place when she asked me out and a month later she drove me off. I have no idea how to work this.
Social skills- Improving. Probably sub-par for the average, but I'm working on them.
Interesting- Probably not very. I've led an insular life up to this year. I'm trying to create a base of life experiences to start drawing off of, but it's slow-going.
Skills- Yes, I have several things I do really, really well. I'm not sure how to work them into my attractiveness.
Conversation- Like social skills, improving.
Masculinity- Not very. Assertiveness is something I'm working on. What else should play into this?
Last edited by At Arms Length; 10-07-2018 at 03:22 PM..
Is he having trouble with all interactions or just women? To me it sounded like he felt confident in regular interactions, it was just attractive women that threw him off.
I'm doing okay in regular interactions with people, I just haven't been able to parlay that into success with women. A surprise encounter with two women I find attractive this week threw me to a loop. I don't deal with surprises very well at all, they tend to overload my decision-making and cause me to freeze up. Something similar happened this weekend.
I'd gotten out of town and gone to a mall at a larger city. I was eating at a table out in the walkways and reading a book when I got recognized by three people from work, two of whom had left a couple of years ago. It was so unexpected and out of context that I couldn't place them...made an idiot of myself searching for names. Embarrassing for me, they'd recognized me immediately.
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