Is fibbing in a relationship acceptable?

[elnina]

Originally Posted by redplum33

Let's look at Jerz's example. She asks her husband if her new pair of jeans makes her ass look big. Let's assume they do. What is the husband supposed to say? He can be gentle and say something like "I like your other jeans better". But what if Jerz doesn't accept that response and pushes for a direct answer by saying "so what you're really saying is my ass does look big in these jeans, right?"

Or how about if your 6 year old kid is in a school play. Let's assume she forgot a couple of her lines and just wasn't great. She comes up to you afterwards and says "Mommy did I do good?"

Or how about if your elderly grandmother cooks some of her famous meatballs that she's been making for over 70 years and have always been phenomenal. Let's assume this batch came out terrible - likely due to her advanced age and forgetting a few ingredients, over/under cooking, or whatever. She asks you "How are the meatballs?"

Please tell me how you would handle these situations. I would lie in all 3 of them.

Well I came across husbands that would compliment the wife no matter what. Burnour meals, too salty, too bland or just simply bad - delicious! Dress ill fitting and 3 sizes too small - very sexy! Horrible bird nest as a hairdo - atta girl! Love your style! Drinking too much and misbehaving at social gatherings - cute! etc...etc...
They said they see the faults, but know better to shut up and be nice or there will be silent treatment or no sex. It doesn't matter that the wife's were ridiculed behind her back by friends and family. House peace was more important.
So, what loving and caring husbands should do? Learn how to gently say their mind without being hurtful. Even unpleasant truth is better than a lie.
How person can try to do better, if always told that everything is just perfect?

Kids that forgot lines or are not excelling in sports or arts or math, or whatever should be gently told that their effort is appreciated but they should try to do better next time, or in some instances just refocus them to a different type of activities, where they might do better. Perhaps spend some time with them and try to help? Telling them they are excellent when they are not is wrong and they should learn that good meant and gently said criticism is acceptable, it challenges self improvement. It also teaches how to deal with mistakes, and later on with failures, resentments, and all kinds of life problems.
If you tell them that whatever they do is perfect, they will have a very hard time later in life dealing with and accepting that in fact no one is perfect, and they are not the prettiest, fittest, smartest achievers in the world.
Parents and teachers cuddle kids no matter what and they are told to do so because it's supposed to be good for self esteem, but when they grow up and face real life, they have no idea how to handle boss who said their work is worth a crap, relationships failures, bad news, or anything related to their character faults.
Do you want to raise your kids so they deep down, clinging desperately not simply to a positive but grandiose sense of self will be compelled at all costs to block out any negative feedback about themselves?

If Jerz behind looks fat , that's a fact. Doesn't she have a mirror? Would she rather be laughed at than told that those skinny jeans, or way too tight dress are not making her look great, and the other ones look more favorable and accentuate her silhouette better? Why wouldn't she accept that response? Are people really so full of themselves that they couldn't be suggested anything anymore? A loving husband surely wants his wife to look her best, and if he has a good eye how to improve things, she should appreciate it. Nothing better than a second pair of eyes and second opinion.

Elderly mother should be not harshly criticized because she forgot few cooking ingredients. Age has some limitations and we should rather praise the effort than criticize the outcome. Maybe instead of raving how phenomenal she still can cook offer help next time she is cooking? Older people bud tastes change too, and they often don't realize that food they cook is tasting bland to others. Also, maybe she likes it that way now. Add little seasoning to your plate and don't dwell on it. Criticizing her cooking would be rude and not constructive.

[rosegoldflower]

Originally Posted by Auraliea

Everybody lies, doesn't make it right. According to research women lie to spare feelings, but men lie to bolster or impress. However everybody is different. I see a lot of hypocrisy with this kind of thing, because people claim to want honesty, but their emotions can't handle it. People feel lying is wrong when a lot of their feelings really depend on what the lie is about. But of course everything depends....

I think those "lies" are silly but I don't know your situation.

Agreed.

[Scrat335]

Yes, it's necessary at times to keep the peace. It's acceptable for small things.

[Levels77]

Originally Posted by elnina

Well I came across husbands that would compliment the wife no matter what. Burnour meals, too salty, too bland or just simply bad - delicious! Dress ill fitting and 3 sizes too small - very sexy! Horrible bird nest as a hairdo - atta girl! Love your style! Drinking too much and misbehaving at social gatherings - cute! etc...etc...
They said they see the faults, but know better to shut up and be nice or there will be silent treatment or no sex. It doesn't matter that the wife's were ridiculed behind her back by friends and family. House peace was more important.
So, what loving and caring husbands should do? Learn how to gently say their mind without being hurtful. Even unpleasant truth is better than a lie.
How person can try to do better, if always told that everything is just perfect?

Kids that forgot lines or are not excelling in sports or arts or math, or whatever should be gently told that their effort is appreciated but they should try to do better next time, or in some instances just refocus them to a different type of activities, where they might do better. Perhaps spend some time with them and try to help? Telling them they are excellent when they are not is wrong and they should learn that good meant and gently said criticism is acceptable, it challenges self improvement. It also teaches how to deal with mistakes, and later on with failures, resentments, and all kinds of life problems.
If you tell them that whatever they do is perfect, they will have a very hard time later in life dealing with and accepting that in fact no one is perfect, and they are not the prettiest, fittest, smartest achievers in the world.
Parents and teachers cuddle kids no matter what and they are told to do so because it's supposed to be good for self esteem, but when they grow up and face real life, they have no idea how to handle boss who said their work is worth a crap, relationships failures, bad news, or anything related to their character faults.
Do you want to raise your kids so they deep down, clinging desperately not simply to a positive but grandiose sense of self will be compelled at all costs to block out any negative feedback about themselves?

If Jerz behind looks fat , that's a fact. Doesn't she have a mirror? Would she rather be laughed at than told that those skinny jeans, or way too tight dress are not making her look great, and the other ones look more favorable and accentuate her silhouette better? Why wouldn't she accept that response? Are people really so full of themselves that they couldn't be suggested anything anymore? A loving husband surely wants his wife to look her best, and if he has a good eye how to improve things, she should appreciate it. Nothing better than a second pair of eyes and second opinion.

Elderly mother should be not harshly criticized because she forgot few cooking ingredients. Age has some limitations and we should rather praise the effort than criticize the outcome. Maybe instead of raving how phenomenal she still can cook offer help next time she is cooking? Older people bud tastes change too, and they often don't realize that food they cook is tasting bland to others. Also, maybe she likes it that way now. Add little seasoning to your plate and don't dwell on it. Criticizing her cooking would be rude and not constructive.

I go back to my original point that it’s a sign of immaturity if you can’t tell the truth in the reactionship.

“Does my ass look big” is a different question than “do these jeans look good on me”. If a husband really thinks the jeans should be bigger he should say so. And maybe the ass isn’t too big for the husband. Maybe he likes it that size so how can he say it’s too big?

It’s not a fact if her butt looks big. “Big” is subjective. Being overweight is a medical definition but she was not asking if she was overweight.

I have never heard a child ask if what they did was perfect. There is nothing wrong with telling your child they did a great job if they forgot lines of their play. They could have been too shy to get up there in the first place.

In my relationship I keep my mouth shut on things like this unless my partner asks. And if he doesn’t like what I say, I will tell him he asked my opinion. He knows he will get an honest answer from me. This often happens when he gets dressed for work. I’ll think a tie clashes with his outfit. I don’t say anything but if he says “how do I look?” I will say I don’t think the tie matches. After he pouts I’ll say, you asked what I thought and sometimes he’ll reply “well I like it” and go to work like that. Other time he will change it.

[Mikala43]

I'm sure people have common sense, and a sense of decency, it is very easy to answer "do these pants make me look fat?" with "I find your yellow skirt is much more flattering" or something a long those lines.