Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-01-2018, 12:10 AM
 
1,733 posts, read 1,195,512 times
Reputation: 9511

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
Well, you guys...
One of these days I'm going to blow up at my boyfriend. Him expecting us to be child free forever is just not fair. I have been dealing with these feelings for the past 5 years, I guess we're just never going to get any closer to having children. I keep on fretting about it... When my boyfriend moved over here, I honestly thought that he would want to have a child with me. I thought he would have wanted to have a family with me and create a child together. I honestly thought we would have had a child by now. I thought we would just be waiting to get stable jobs and then that would be it, there'd be no reason for us not to want a child and to start a family together. I never imagined that 5 years on, things would still be stagnant, he'd still be expecting me to take birth control as if I'm some teenage girl, as if we're a teenage couple in high school who have only been dating for a couple of weeks. We're not that! We've been in a relationship for 6 years and living together for 5 years now. I'm almost 26 years old!!! We support ourselves, we both had stable jobs. I feel like it's soooo cold/uninspiring/unloving of him to not want us to have a family. He is the most intelligent/confident/capable/charming man I have ever met and I can't stop imagining how much of an amazing dad he'd make. How he'd be such an excellent role model for a child. I thought things would progress naturally and lovingly between us and that we'd want to have a child out of love. Instead I'm pushed back and made to never feel good enough.. He's always mindful of my birth control. EVERYWHERE I GO I SEE couples with new babies and their own families, after 6 years why can't that be us? It's such a normal thing. I'm not expecting us to be pushing for a child straight away, but after 5 years of living together, I'm still expected to take bc religiously as if us having our own child would be the most diabolical and terrible idea
As soone as I've got a full time stable job, I really am going to start pushing my case. At least then I can find out how he really feels.
Do you have amnesia? You keep repeating yourself. Second verse same as the first ...

Honestly, you sound like you're fourteen years old.

Since you have this bad case of baby fever, go get a full-time job in childcare. Report back in six months.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-01-2018, 12:15 AM
 
Location: Pacific 🌉 °N, 🌄°W
11,761 posts, read 7,214,447 times
Reputation: 7528
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
My boyfriend just expects me to stay on birth control forever.
What is your speculation as to why he "expects" this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
does he just expect our child never to exist in the world?
He's the best person to check in with respect to what he actually expects.

Could it be that your and his exceptions don't align?
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
That everyone else can just have as many children as they want, snip
This is nothing to celebrate!
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
I guess its just never going to happen, I'm an only child and I've wanted to have a baby brother or sister all my life, that never happened. since i got with my boyfriend, i wanted a baby 5 years on thats never happened and i don't have any hope that it ever will. things just feel impossible. i feel like were the only intentionally childless couple in the world.
You're only 25 and still young enough to have a child if that's your searing goal in life at the moment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
we've talked about having children before, but my boyfriend has said things like he wants to wait 10 or 15 years or he thinks 35 would be a good age to have a job (hes 23 right now).
Could this be the answer? I think it is! He's only 23 and seems wise enough to not chain his life to having kids at his young age. If he's made that clear by stating he thinks 35 would be a good age then why not believe that's what he wants for himself?
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
Why is he expecting me to never want children and to just stay on birth control forever (i've already been on it for 5 years and counting)???
We can only speculate as to why...he on the other hand should be the one providing the answers to your questions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
i haven't told my boyfriend how I feel, but with him always insisting im on birth control whats the point...
Because it's your body and your life...but keep in mind you can only be controlled when you allow it. He is only 23 and can't see having kids at his young age and who in their right mind can blame him?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-01-2018, 06:37 AM
 
2,483 posts, read 2,461,128 times
Reputation: 3353
OP you have every right to want a child and have nothing to apologize for in that regard.

If your bf misrepresented his intentions to you about having a child that would be one thing, but I'm not sure if that's the case here.

You may just have to find someone else who wants to have a child on your time frame or continue being miserable until you hopefully convince him that the two of you are ready.

Good Luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-01-2018, 09:53 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,993,309 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
OP you have every right to want a child and have nothing to apologize for in that regard.

If your bf misrepresented his intentions to you about having a child that would be one thing, but I'm not sure if that's the case here.

You may just have to find someone else who wants to have a child on your time frame or continue being miserable until you hopefully convince him that the two of you are ready.

Good Luck.
While I personally think that you are too young to have a baby. If you really, really want to have a baby right now, start by figuring out a budget.
Can you afford rent, food, clothing & all the living expenses for you and a child on your salary?
Can you afford to pay for day care on your salary, and still pay all the rest of your bills?
Can you afford to start putting money away for your retirement and your child's college education?
Do you have a substantial saving account in case of emergencies?

If the answer to all of those questions is a resounding "Yes", then start to check out sperm banks and become a single mother. I would recommend having at least six months living expenses in a saving account before getting pregnant.

But, frankly, from what you have written I bet that the answer is "no" to all of those questions.

Last edited by germaine2626; 09-01-2018 at 10:02 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-01-2018, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,223,978 times
Reputation: 50368
Babies shouldn't be having babies....whiners shouldn't either. Anyone who says they are "almost [insert any age]" shouldn't have babies.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-01-2018, 10:05 AM
 
2,483 posts, read 2,461,128 times
Reputation: 3353
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
While I personally think that you are too young to have a baby. If you really, really want to have a baby right now, start by figuring out a budget.
Can you afford rent, food, clothing & all the living expenses for you and a child on your salary?
Can you afford to pay for day care on your salary, and still pay all the rest of your bills?
Can you afford to start putting money away for your retirement and your child's college education?
Do you have a substantial saving account in case of emergencies?

If the answer to all of those questions is a resounding "Yes", then start to check out sperm banks and become a single mother. I would recommend having at least six months living expenses in a saving account before getting pregnant.

But, frankly, from what you have written I bet that the answer is "no" to all of those questions.
That's well intentioned and in ideal world I would agree.

But wasn't there a study that showed more than 1/2 of us had only a few hundred dollars saved?

It's not realistic to expect everyone to have a yes to all of those questions before having a child. I know my parents couldn't have but I turned out fine and the struggle to 'make it' built character too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-01-2018, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,993,309 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
While I personally think that you are too young to have a baby. If you really, really want to have a baby right now, start by figuring out a budget.
Can you afford rent, food, clothing & all the living expenses for you and a child on your salary?
Can you afford to pay for day care on your salary, and still pay all the rest of your bills?
Can you afford to start putting money away for your retirement and your child's college education?
Do you have a substantial saving account in case of emergencies?

If the answer to all of those questions is a resounding "Yes", then start to check out sperm banks and become a single mother. I would recommend having at least six months living expenses in a saving account before getting pregnant.

But, frankly, from what you have written I bet that the answer is "no" to all of those questions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
That's well intentioned and in ideal world I would agree.

But wasn't there a study that showed more than 1/2 of us had only a few hundred dollars saved?

It's not realistic to expect everyone to have a yes to all of those questions before having a child. I know my parents couldn't have but I turned out fine and the struggle to 'make it' built character too.
I was addressing my comments to the OP, who in my opinion, is a very immature youngster who is unable to support herself, let alone a child. I was hoping that she may "wise up" and look at her financial situation more realistically.

Just because, your parents, 25 or 35 or more years ago, did not have savings or good jobs and you turned out OK does not mean that the OP demands to have a child, at age 26, without a means to support herself and that child is a good idea. However, she will look at your post as conformation that it is OK to plan to have a child right now.

One of her last threads said that she was unemployed and had not been paid in several months (even when she technically "had a job"), IMHO, hardly a great time to beg her BF to get her pregnant, right now, and not wait until they are older.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-01-2018, 11:14 AM
 
2,483 posts, read 2,461,128 times
Reputation: 3353
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I was addressing my comments to the OP...
Believe it or not I actually got that but thought I could comment, since this is after all a public forum.

I was just saying that folks can still have kids in non ideal circumstances and still do ok. You had a long list of requirements that most can't honestly say that they can meet.

It's just my opinion, that's all.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-01-2018, 11:19 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,993,309 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx View Post
Believe it or not I actually got that but thought I could comment, since this is after all a public forum.

I was just saying that folks can still have kids in non ideal circumstances and still do ok. You had a long list of requirements that most can't honestly say that they can meet.

It's just my opinion, that's all.
Of course, everyone can comment. And, yes, people can have children under less than ideal situations, but, IMHO, ideally people should not deliberately plan to have children in poor situations.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-01-2018, 12:26 PM
 
7,743 posts, read 15,815,753 times
Reputation: 10451
Quote:
Originally Posted by palmtrees099 View Post
As soone as I've got a full time stable job, I really am going to start pushing my case. At least then I can find out how he really feels.

You have no case and you already know how he really feels. You just like spinning your wheels in the air.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top