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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
I don't. It's magic and I don't want to unpack that.
Exactly. It's like being in love. You know it when it is there. Poets (etc) have been going on for centuries, or longer, trying to define it. There is no point. There are some basics, like, just meeting and feeling like you have known them for a long time things go so smooth... and that it is mutual (chemistry can't be one sided, there needs to be a agent/reagent for the reaction), but beyond that, it is what it is. Leave it at that.
Chemistry has to do with several things:
- A sharing of the same passion, hobbies, philosophies, religion, beliefs, goals, ideals etc.
- The ability to work out and solve problems or find solutions more than conflicts or fighting
- The ability to compromise and still be happy
- Putting the needs and happiness of your lover above your own
Those are more shared values and personality characteristics. Important in the long run (and probably the reason my late husband and I had such a wonderful marriage), but for me they don't guarantee chemistry.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by athena53
Those are more shared values and personality characteristics. Important in the long run (and probably the reason my late husband and I had such a wonderful marriage), but for me they don't guarantee chemistry.
Chemistry is just a combo of extreme compatibility and physical attraction/lust which gives you butterflies.
If “chemistry” was just two people getting along amazingly and feeling like they knew each other forever from the beginning then friends of the opposite sex would date.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980
Chemistry is just a combo of extreme compatibility and physical attraction/lust which gives you butterflies.
If “chemistry” was just two people getting along amazingly and feeling like they knew each other forever from the beginning then friends of the opposite sex would date.
Not true at all. Chemistry isn't enough for dating. And not all platonic friendships have great chemistry. And chemistry does not always equal sexual attraction or physical attraction. It sometimes doesn't even include compatibility. It is one of MANY components needed for a great romantic relationship, not the only one.
In this post and the one you made a few comments up you have defined pretty thoroughly what chemistry means for you, though. Your response was similar to several others. I may have misunderstood my own thoughts or feelings on this when I suggested that we may mean different things when we speak of chemistry. Given that anything in the emotional realm is likely to be difficult to define precisely, the answers here are fairly uniform, mostly having common elements with only an outlier or two.
Maybe what had me curious is the way we tend to avoid defining chemistry, almost like we're going to jinx the process if we examine it too closely. Maybe the meaning of chemistry isn't a mystery so much as feeling it sometimes seems to defy logic. Why now? Why this person and not her? Why ask why?
The question is a bit naive, because you can't define it.
When I met my wife, she was the absolute opposite in many ways of all the women I had dated in life. And yet, there it was. We just immediately clicked.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
In this post and the one you made a few comments up you have defined pretty thoroughly what chemistry means for you, though. .
I don't think I have though. I've touched on what it is not, and segments of what it is, but really haven't (and haven't attempted to) define what it is holistically.
Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
Maybe what had me curious is the way we tend to avoid defining chemistry, almost like we're going to jinx the process if we examine it too closely. Maybe the meaning of chemistry isn't a mystery so much as feeling it sometimes seems to defy logic. Why now? Why this person and not her? Why ask why?
It's fair to ask why this person, and not this person. I don't think there is an answer. It's really not different than falling in love, or not.
I can meet someone, have chemistry, find them physically attractive, be compatible and get along great, have great fun with them, care about them... and never ever fall in love. Why? Why can I meet someone, think they're funny, have things in common, find them physically gorgeous... and not have chemistry?
It's just one of those things. Fair enough to discuss, of course; people have trying to put "love" into words for ages, but in the end, some questions of the heart have no answer. They just are.
I'm puzzled by this post. Based on what you described, it sounds like you were a great match.
If you don't mind sharing, I'm curious what the problem was.
In terms of a connection, what we have was magnetic, and we had similar personalities, extremely sarcastic, dirty sense of humor, like to laugh at the dumbest things, we were also very stubborn and set in our ways. I make decisions quick and move fast, he overthinks and slow to execute. Im confrontational, he withdraws. So when we argue, its tense and explosive.
We both entered this relationship with a lot of baggage and relied heavily on the other person more than we should've. It was never our intention to have a relationship given our marital status at the time we met (he was in the process of divorce, i was recently separated) we both just wanted to have fun but the chemistry was undeniable. Unfortunately we fought too much and bought our own stress into the relationship we would break up telling each other that nows not the right time but than we'd look at each other and our clothes would somehow fall off. I believed that if we could weather this storm we'd be able to make it through anything, but for him the stress was too much and he decided to cut.
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