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Here's the thing about networking. To get the ball rolling, many people need to have some success with it early on. I network where I can, but honestly, it truly just wears me out. I don't want to be everybody's friend and some people I feel are nothing more than blow hards. I play poker as a hobby and it's turned into a nice little part-time job for me. It's a good social outlet for me, because in order to play the game and make money, or lose money, you need other people playing at the table. I get a lot of social enjoyment out of it; however, I do run into the occasional person who just doesn't align with my thought process and it really becomes a drag to play and/or converse with that person or persons.
I don't think dating or getting to know people in general is transactional, but I feel as we get older our time becomes not only more precious, but also more valuable. I don't want to spend my time around a male or female who's not enriching my life, just as I doubt they'd want to spend that time around me and I'm not bringing joy to their lives. So rather we want to admit it or not, most of our human interaction as we get older is transactional, it's just how you perceive it is how we deem it acceptable.
I just know for a fact I do not want to waste my time around someone who brings me no joy, because I can sit at home alone and get all the joy that I can handle. I typically enjoy my own company, except for the weekends. That's typically where I want to be around other people, because I can have too much free time and have nothing to do with it. At least during the week I have 45 hours of work that tends to be a healthy distraction.
So I feel dating works in the same realm. If a male and female are actually looking to settle down, even if it means dating, they only have so much precious and/or valuable time to invest in a person. Would you rather invest that time into someone that you know isn't going to lead to settling down in a relationship? Or would you rather put a bit more energy into surrounding yourself around eligible dating candidates? I know a lot of men and women who hookup, but most of them don't actually go out. They may come over for dinner and a movie, and then get down to business, but that's the extent of it. They tend to keep those boundaries as they don't want their hookup life to interfere with their dating life. Like someone else mentioned earlier. A woman was doing activities with a guy who was just her friend, but no guys were approaching her to date, because they all felt her and her guy friend were actually a couple. That poster mentioned that she had to stop hanging out with that guy to actually appear single. I think that's the reality for most of us, since many of us don't have a friend circle that's actually setting us up with eligible dates. Because most of our friend circle is either already in a relationship or the single ones are struggling just like we are to date.
So in the end it seems most people are left alone to figure out their relationship status on their own.
Growing up they say there's all this fish in the sea and you've got all the time in the world... till you're older and all that time is now passing by especially if you're trying to have a life cram session and get things done as an adult that should've been established long ago. And you see that exestential distance between the 20s and 30s.
ALso, I wanted to mention. I know a rather attractive woman that occasionally goes to Meetups. She say she's "closed up shop" to dating altogether. She's usually having to tell men this constantly.
She says this is the reason she doesn't have many male friends. As soon as they found out she's not looking, they don't talk to her anymore. Thus her flourishing female friend relationship.
Does she fault them for it ? No. Does she complain "All they want from me is sex!" no, she does not. She accepts it as human nature.
I have a male friend, in his 40s ,he's saying as he ages, he's starting to feel a "mild sense of urgency" when it comes to finding a girlfriend. I'm feelin' it too, esp. when the last girl I dated was able to have a back up so quickly.
The benefit of women...they seem to always have orbiters at the ready. Most women I meet, they aren't without a shortage of options of real life male friends wanting to turn it into something more. And believe you me, whomever some of these ladies friend zoned, they sometimes, though years later wind up with whomever they friend zoned (even though they both had been dating diff people).
Last edited by ThisTown123; 09-13-2018 at 04:54 AM..
A woman was doing activities with a guy who was just her friend, but no guys were approaching her to date, because they all felt her and her guy friend were actually a couple. That poster mentioned that she had to stop hanging out with that guy to actually appear single. I think that's the reality for most of us, since many of us don't have a friend circle that's actually setting us up with eligible dates. Because most of our friend circle is either already in a relationship or the single ones are struggling just like we are to date.
THIS...this resonated pretty well with me. Eventually, some of the "friends" start hooking up and or/ dating or even marry. Then, like in a game of musical chairs, you're the last man/woman standing. I don't negate friendships altogether...but I think some people wind up being too focused on "being just friends" and worried about not appearing "desperate" when out with a group of people.
Even the "tip jar girl" I talked about told me that her Canadian cyber-boyfriend didn't feel comfortable with her even hanging out with me. "Hanging out" is indicative of platonic friends spending time together. (Yeah, like he's not "hanging out" with any Canadian girlfriends (or girl....friends?) lol) (Hm, that means she told him about us.)
She may have been “doing you a favor,” as many posters have said, but her intentions were anything but noble. The fact that she felt the need to block you after you declined her invitation to be her buddy speaks volumes. She likely thought you were so into her that she could pull the rug out from under you and you’d still stick around to give her validation and someone to vent to. SHE felt rejected, which is hilarious. It’s solipsism at its finest. She rejects your romantic interest and yet she’s the one who got rejected in her own mind. Amazing.
Unless you’re in a new town without much of a social circle, there’s no reason to befriend romantic interests that reject you. Your response was perfect.
Women who offer friendship after attempting romance are not truly friends and I'm not being bitter about it.
They offer friendship because they somehow feel guilty for rejecting the guy or they're afraid the guy may behave badly for her rejecting him and so she tries to preempt the potential bad reaction by giving him some false hope through selling him a fake friendship.
THIS...this resonated pretty well with me. Eventually, some of the "friends" start hooking up and or/ dating or even marry. Then, like in a game of musical chairs, you're the last man/woman standing. I don't negate friendships altogether...but I think some people wind up being too focused on "being just friends" and worried about not appearing "desperate" when out with a group of people.
Even the "tip jar girl" I talked about told me that her Canadian cyber-boyfriend didn't feel comfortable with her even hanging out with me. "Hanging out" is indicative of platonic friends spending time together. (Yeah, like he's not "hanging out" with any Canadian girlfriends (or girl....friends?) lol) (Hm, that means she told him about us.)
She's being kind and making an excuse to not "hang out" with you. There is no "us".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rkstar71
They offer friendship because they somehow feel guilty for rejecting the guy or they're afraid the guy may behave badly for her rejecting him and so she tries to preempt the potential bad reaction by giving him some false hope through selling him a fake friendship.
They offer friendship because they somehow feel guilty for rejecting the guy or they're afraid the guy may behave badly for her rejecting him and so she tries to preempt the potential bad reaction by giving him some false hope through selling him a fake friendship.
Spot on! This is how they remain in good standing with whomever they reject. They would feel like they are burning bridges otherwise.
How much of this whole thing would be nothing if the person(s) involved had said "Let's just be friendly" which is a more linguistically awkward way to put it but more likely what is meant?
Not hang out or do things together but if we run into each other, no animosity or hard feelings
How much of this whole thing would be nothing if the person(s) involved had said "Let's just be friendly" which is a more linguistically awkward way to put it but more likely what is meant?
Not hang out or do things together but if we run into each other, no animosity or hard feelings
All of it but that is likely not what she was after, hence why she threw a tantrum and blocked him.
I don't understand what is dehumanizing about human sexual attraction. That's my issue. For most men, you have to be human to be sexually attractive at all. So how can it be dehumanizing?
People won't always react to what you post the way you want them to or see what you want them to see. Nore do they have to.
You accused me of speaking in absolutes and I haven't been. I've been all over the map in my posts about all of the permutations that are possible. And you don't seem to grasp the difference between, "To some women in some situations, this thing FEELS dehumanizing and so they react a certain way" and "This is dehumanizing behavior. That is an objective truth." I am saying the first thing. Not so much the second.
If you go around saying that other people's feelings are something you can argue with, you're not going to have a lot of success relating to others. Feelings are not something you can debate out of existence with facts or logic. Especially when they aren't even your own. Because no one can really control other people's feelings, either.
Try instead framing your position as, "From my perspective, it doesn't look or feel dehumanizing in the slightest." Rather than, "It's not." Because your perspective, does not reality make for every other person. Not any more than mine does. Unlike you, I never claimed it did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
In the men's defense, it's about social conditioning. Since the Third Wave feminism, and even more so in the recent decades, men were conditioned to interpret "let's just be friends" (hereafter, "LJBF") as thinly veiled code for "buzz off!" So unless a man is on the autistic spectrum---which will cause him to take phrases literally and often commit social blunders that way---he will get the hint and do exactly what the phrase implies.
Of course, there are women like yourself and my friend Kate, who offer genuine friendship to men, whether post-rejection or from the get-go. Even such women are common, their genuineness goes against the social conditioning men receive. My suggestion for women who offer it, is to immediately accompany the "LJBF" statement by an invitation to a social outing, preferably in a group. (Of course, then there's a risk of "LJBF" being misinterpreted as "LJBFWB"; but that's the bed we made, and now we gotta lie in it.)
After I became older and wiser, but before I eschewed the idea of relationships, my own response to "LJBF" was to give the woman a benefit of doubt, and extend her a one-time invitation to hang out socially. If she said anything other than a resounding yes, I didn't contact her again. Of course, I myself used to be fairly closed off to the idea of platonic friendships with women; it came to me later in life, after I got into Meetup, where mixed company is the norm.
I completely agree with you. In many contexts, "LJBF" is what we refer to in the community, as a "soft no." The woman is trying to differentiate herself from some kind of snotty elitist Becky with a Valley Girl accent who says, "Like I'd ever date YOU. As IF." We're trying to tell you, look, there's nothing wrong with you and I like you fine, and I don't want to be hurtful, I'm just not feelin' it for ya in that way dude.
Guess it's part of the biological imperative or conditioned entitlement (take your pick) of some men, that even the most nice and compassionately worded "no thanks" is still the answer they didn't want, and can be perceived as an attack upon their person somehow. (And again, I am thankful to the many men who don't behave that way. Thanks for being cool, guys! Most of you are, I really do believe!)
I 100% agree with everyone who has said that no one has to be friends (or anything) to another person if they don't want. Hell, I've had a man demand friendship of me, and I had to literally tell him that I did not consent to be his friend. He is a friend of my boyfriend's. Once I got a picture for who and how he was, I wanted nothing personally to do with him. I encouraged my boyfriend to maintain that friendship to his heart's content, and that I'd never stand in the way of any plans they made together, I totally respect the connection between them, they've known each other for decades. I was simply opting out personally. I had that right. Everyone does.
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