Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have to say, I sometimes wonder how well aligned we are in our way of thinking, Sonic. Or you put it in a way where it makes sense.
I have my female friends, and they are awesome! Some were previous online dates that flourished into a friendship...somehow. I guess they really liked me as a person, so that's something. I like talking to them about my dating problems, get a woman's perspective and such.
But sometimes you reach a saturation point, esp. as you get older, that there is a time crunch to find someone special.
I avoid dating profiles that say, "We can meet up, if things don't work out, you can never have too many friends". To me, I disagree. lol.
Then I've seen my share of profiles that say, "I'm not here to make friends, so move along if you are". Now I never said this in my profile, but I would nod my head in agreement reading this.
If you're kind of on a mission and you have enough female friends, then it would make sense if your desires require more than friendship.
Anyways, it's kind of moot. When a woman says she just wants to be friends, it doesn't mean she'll want to hang out as friends either. And...sadly, don't expect her to invite you out into her social circles to meet her other single friends.
Some have told me if you wind up being just friends with a woman, she could introduce you into her network of friends, some single. But it's not likely to happen. I mean..it COULD happen, but it's a rare personality for a person to do that.
I'd say that if a guy doesn't have much of a social life, and the woman does some activity socially that he might enjoy, then it would make sense to become her friend, meet up with her people, and so on.
Like with one of my examples, I used to be on a pool league. Let's say I still was. I go on a first date with a guy, and it's kind of a dud, not horrible I'm just not into him in a way that is making me want intimacy like that. But he enjoys shooting pool and we just sat and talked about it for like an hour or something.
I could see telling him that I'm not really feeling it with regard to dating, but hey, maybe he might like to join my pool league or team? Maybe he has time on his hands, maybe he does.
That could be anything...D&D or the fetish club (I actually DID invite people from OLD to go check that out if they seemed interested in the lifestyle) or just...anything social. Like I recognize, I'm pretty socially saturated but not everyone is. I guess I can see both sides of it, why someone might or might not want to go ahead and be just friends.
But I tell ya one thing. If I am not feeling it and I get the sense that the guy is hot for me, and not likely to let go of his desire to pursue me romantically, then I will NOT follow through with any attempt at friendship. I can definitely sense the vibe of a guy who is way more excited about me than I am about him. The offer of friendship is only legit if he seems chill enough to handle just doing that. But then...I generally did not offer it if I really didn't feel comfortable continuing to interact with a dude. I just wished him the best and cut him loose.
If I were a man in the dating world, I'd try to keep in mind that women are very socialized to soften our "no"s. It was hammered into my brain from childhood, to always try to be nice, to think about other people's feelings, etc etc. And men make it clear that rejection is painful, and to some extent I know how it feels to take it personally. To feel diminished by it. So a lot of times, women say whatever they think will soften that because we're trying not to hurt someone's feelings. It isn't game playing. We have been pretty heavily trained to do this.
I have to say, I sometimes wonder how well aligned we are in our way of thinking, Sonic. Or you put it in a way where it makes sense.
I have my female friends, and they are awesome! Some were previous online dates that flourished into a friendship...somehow. I guess they really liked me as a person, so that's something. I like talking to them about my dating problems, get a woman's perspective and such.
But sometimes you reach a saturation point, esp. as you get older, that there is a time crunch to find someone special.
I avoid dating profiles that say, "We can meet up, if things don't work out, you can never have too many friends". To me, I disagree. lol.
Then I've seen my share of profiles that say, "I'm not here to make friends, so move along if you are". Now I never said this in my profile, but I would nod my head in agreement reading this.
If you're kind of on a mission and you have enough female friends, then it would make sense if your desires require more than friendship.
Anyways, it's kind of moot. When a woman says she just wants to be friends, it doesn't mean she'll want to hang out as friends either. And...sadly, don't expect her to invite you out into her social circles to meet her other single friends.
Some have told me if you wind up being just friends with a woman, she could introduce you into her network of friends, some single. But it's not likely to happen. I mean..it COULD happen, but it's a rare personality for a person to do that.
Here's the issue with the bolded. In most cases, it's just not true. I think it's definitely true in your late teens, early 20s, and even possibly your mid 20s, but after that, the statement has no value. I dated a single mom who had not too long ago went through a divorce. She nailed it down with a statement that still resonates with me today. If my ex-husband was so good, I'd still be married to him. That makes total sense in the dating world as you get older. Most women aren't going to introduce a guy they went on a few dates with, with one of her female friends. It's just not going to work out that way. There's also the whole competing aspect as well. I couldn't make it work with him, but my best friend Jill really likes him and they've been hitting it off since day one. That's going to create some feelings that most women aren't going to be comfortable with.
I would argue that the same goes for men as well. I'm likely not going to setup one of my buddies with a woman I dated, but wasn't successful with short-term or even long-term. It's kind of an ego thing.
Here's the issue with the bolded. In most cases, it's just not true. I think it's definitely true in your late teens, early 20s, and even possibly your mid 20s, but after that, the statement has no value. I dated a single mom who had not too long ago went through a divorce. She nailed it down with a statement that still resonates with me today. If my ex-husband was so good, I'd still be married to him. That makes total sense in the dating world as you get older. Most women aren't going to introduce a guy they went on a few dates with, with one of her female friends. It's just not going to work out that way. There's also the whole competing aspect as well. I couldn't make it work with him, but my best friend Jill really likes him and they've been hitting it off since day one. That's going to create some feelings that most women aren't going to be comfortable with.
I would argue that the same goes for men as well. I'm likely not going to setup one of my buddies with a woman I dated, but wasn't successful with short-term or even long-term. It's kind of an ego thing.
Yeah, I know of people that hooked up with each other via group outings. This was probably through a college environment. The plus to that is, everyone is institutionalized and are kind of semi-forced to hang out together post-class, between classes if you're all earning the same degree. I know this is too specific of an example, but I just thought of it right now.
So the "let's be friends" thing is sort of a covert contract thing. It isn't genuine and what they truly want is for a guy to not hate them because they don't have romantic feelings. This girl is close to my age (mid-30s) and I think we are at a point where we can be emotionally mature about it.
Most if not all women would NOT accept friendship from a man if the shoe was on the other foot. Most women who offer friendship to a guy will not do anything to nurture the friendship. If I asked one of them for a ride to the airport or needed something I could not depend on them.
So the "let's be friends" thing is sort of a covert contract thing. It isn't genuine and what they truly want is for a guy to not hate them because they don't have romantic feelings. This girl is close to my age (mid-30s) and I think we are at a point where we can be emotionally mature about it.
Most if not all women would NOT accept friendship from a man if the shoe was on the other foot. Most women who offer friendship to a guy will not do anything to nurture the friendship. If I asked one of them for a ride to the airport or needed something I could not depend on them.
It sounds like you don't really trust or even like women very much. I can get on board with what's in your first paragraph, but the second is just bitterness and is false.
So the "let's be friends" thing is sort of a covert contract thing. It isn't genuine and what they truly want is for a guy to not hate them because they don't have romantic feelings. This girl is close to my age (mid-30s) and I think we are at a point where we can be emotionally mature about it.
Most if not all women would NOT accept friendship from a man if the shoe was on the other foot. Most women who offer friendship to a guy will not do anything to nurture the friendship. If I asked one of them for a ride to the airport or needed something I could not depend on them.
It's a matter of self-reservation because many guys can't handle rejection and lash out or retaliate for not 'getting' what they want.
So the "let's be friends" thing is sort of a covert contract thing. It isn't genuine and what they truly want is for a guy to not hate them because they don't have romantic feelings. This girl is close to my age (mid-30s) and I think we are at a point where we can be emotionally mature about it.
Most if not all women would NOT accept friendship from a man if the shoe was on the other foot. Most women who offer friendship to a guy will not do anything to nurture the friendship. If I asked one of them for a ride to the airport or needed something I could not depend on them.
It is not emotionally immature to behave in a manner that is informed by the programming of a lifetime. Pretty much everyone does that. That is human.
And remember that what you believe is the right way, is in fact only the way that YOU prefer things. Most often, I see men complaining about how women have treated them, what was said or done, when the bottom line reality is that any answer they're given that ISN'T the one they wanted to hear, will be criticized. Oh, well. At a certain age, we women get used to that, too.
It's not just about not being hated by a guy, it's more significantly that we want to be nice. Because we don't want to be mean people. You might think it shouldn't matter if the woman has no intention to go on interacting, and why wouldn't she just shoot him in the head, but that is a MALE perspective. I, a woman, do not want to part ways with a man leaving him feeling crushed in the dirt because he wasn't "good enough" to date me, especially if I do like him and he seems like a nice human, because I need to be able to look myself in the eye the next day in the mirror and not feel like a puppy-kicking villain. That's why.
There are billions of very nice men in the world. Any given woman isn't going to want to date them all. But we know that rejection does not feel good. And some small percentage of men will not take it well, AT ALL.
You ever have a rejected love interest blowing up your phone threatening suicide if you would not love them? I have. Multiple times. Your fellow men are not always so well behaved.
But to the last part, even the people that I legitimately consider to be my friends, people I do have ongoing interactions with and connections to and enjoy spending time together reasonably often, should not ASSUME that I will drop everything and be there just because they need something. If I can, sure...if it doesn't inconvenience me too much. But on the flipside? I don't ask them for things either.
It sounds like you don't really trust or even like women very much. I can get on board with what's in your first paragraph, but the second is just bitterness and is false.
I'm just being honest and realistic. I have one good female friend that I've known for years and I actually had to repair the relationship (my fault due to feelings) but she has been there for me thick and thin.
Women who offer friendship after attempting romance are not truly friends and I'm not being bitter about it.
I'm just being honest and realistic. I have one good female friend that I've known for years and I actually had to repair the relationship (my fault due to feelings) but she has been there for me thick and thin.
Women who offer friendship after attempting romance are not truly friends and I'm not being bitter about it.
Right. But think about it. You don't offer to be deeply invested ("be there for each other in times of need") friends with a stranger you barely know. One might offer the opportunity to grow that kind of friendship, but it would require time spent in each other's company, and not just friendship on Facebook or Instagram, to build that investment. If you aren't dating, then you probably aren't hanging out much.
UNLESS as I said, you have some kind of a common activity you can enjoy together at the friend level. I might become friends with the guy who didn't work out as a romantic partner but who now attends the club where I volunteer, or who is on the pool team or the bowling league or...etc.
But the guy I went on a few dates with, and decided there wasn't really any romantic potential, am I going to come out and help him move or drive him to the airport or watch his dog while he's on vacation? Um, no.
I would not do those things for a whole lot of my coworkers and I have known them for YEARS. But again, I also would not ask such people for such things. In fact, I don't think I have any "friends" that I'd assume I could count on for that kind of stuff, despite having hundreds of people that I consider to be my friends. I'd probably hire someone.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I can get on board with what's in your first paragraph, but the second is just bitterness and is false.