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Right now, I’m having a hard time with this. I KNOW deep down it’s not my fault, but I feel like I keep going back and forth on what I could have done differently or did I do something, did I push him into playing more and more?
It honestly sounds like you have something like battered woman syndrome right now.
The fact that you are vacillating at all given the things he has said to you proves the level of dysfunction at which you are operating. For some reason, you stayed in a situation that is intolerable for a VERY long time. It's alarming. You really need to seek out a counselor.
I also think you need to reconsider whether you should take an extended break from these softball teams because between the people problems and the drama of dating (or not dating) teammates, being on these teams does seem to bring you more stress than stress relief.
You dodged a big big big bullet. Don't waste anymore time with this loser, and just let him marry his Xbox. Go find a man who's willing to start a life with you and who is worthy of you. Just be glad that you're still young and you only wasted 1.5 years on him.
Right now, I’m having a hard time with this. I KNOW deep down it’s not my fault, but I feel like I keep going back and forth on what I could have done differently or did I do something, did I push him into playing more and more? I know it will get easier but lord, it’s rough right now.
I feel like his focus right now is hurting me or trying to get a reaction out of me. He’s certainly learned over time how to push my buttons.
We play on the same softball team on Monday and Wednesday. For the longest time, I always sent out a group chat to the team to ask if they could make our upcoming game each week and he was included in our group chat. He went on and on about how annoying it was to be in the group chat and that he’s asked me a number of times to take him out and why couldn’t I just do what he asked. So I did. But when we would fight/break-up, I was always left to be the one to initiate contact to confirm if he was making it that week, which always ended up in more fighting.
So this time, I went ahead and added him back in the group. I also had to be firm and tell him and another guy that (even though I had asked them 50 times) they needed to pay their team fee and we were charged a late fee by the organization that was pretty much the entire team’s responsibility, even though everyone else already paid their share. He responds “I’m out”. So i said “That’s fine. But you still made a commitment to the team and financially, plus the season is almost over and you’ve played majority of the games. So the right thing to do is to pay your portion”. So then he replies that he paid the remaining amount, then texted me separately and said “I just misread and thought it was the Wednesday team. But nice try to attack me in group text you f*cking loser”. I didn’t even respond. I made it clear that i wasn’t going to continue the team after the season is over in a few weeks. I’ll only have to see him on Wednesday’s.
He also went and deleted our ONE picture in a year and a half that he ever posted of us on Instagram. He would always do that when I would be close to standing up for myself and walking away. He would unfollow me, mostly, and would say “If you’re done, I can’t see what’s going on in your life. it hurts”. I can’t help but feel he deleted the Instagram pic (even though everything is still on FB) to try to get me to reach out. Not happening this time. I try to just replay all the hate in my head. Remind myself that a week ago when I “jokingly” told him that I had a timeframe in my head of when I’d leave this relationship if I didn’t get any type of commitment from him and he goes “what are you going to do?”. And I said “leave”. And he laughed and said “yea right”.
You are losing my sympathy. Now you are just creating unnecessary drama with him and in your head. Leave the guy alone.
It honestly sounds like you have something like battered woman syndrome right now.
The fact that you are vacillating at all given the things he has said to you proves the level of dysfunction at which you are operating. For some reason, you stayed in a situation that is intolerable for a VERY long time. It's alarming. You really need to seek out a counselor.
I also think you need to reconsider whether you should take an extended break from these softball teams because between the people problems and the drama of dating (or not dating) teammates, being on these teams does seem to bring you more stress than stress relief.
^^^This. And I liked what Eve said about not worrying about being alone--you were alone when you were with him. It may feel rudderless right now, but you made the right choice.
It's not even really about the video games. He didn't show you any respect. Even if he was "wonderful" at times. That was part of his abusive behavior -- being nice enough to pull you in and keep you close while emotionally abusing you.
It's not even really about the video games. He didn't show you any respect. Even if he was "wonderful" at times. That was part of his abusive behavior -- being nice enough to pull you in and keep you close while emotionally abusing you.
I'm sorry you got caught up in this.
Thanks. I hope everyone knows how this thread has helped me stay strong and keep things in perspective.
I mean, is this type of abuse part of his addictive behavior or just who he is? I don’t think I mentioned that his mom was mentally and verbally abusive and he and his brother were briefly placed in foster care because of this.
Thanks. I hope everyone knows how this thread has helped me stay strong and keep things in perspective.
I mean, is this type of abuse part of his addictive behavior or just who he is? I don’t think I mentioned that his mom was mentally and verbally abusive and he and his brother were briefly placed in foster care because of this.
Probably just who he is, but does it matter? Does it change anything?
Probably just who he is, but does it matter? Does it change anything?
Exactly.
Jess, you are asking the wrong questions and wondering about the wrong things.
Don't spend another minute wondering WHY he did anything. Focus your energy on YOU and why YOU stayed for SO long in the face of personal attacks, disrespect and abuse.
Thanks. I hope everyone knows how this thread has helped me stay strong and keep things in perspective.
I mean, is this type of abuse part of his addictive behavior or just who he is? I don’t think I mentioned that his mom was mentally and verbally abusive and he and his brother were briefly placed in foster care because of this.
It's both. It's part of his addictive behavior, and that behavior is part of who he is. For him to become something different will take a level of accountability and self-awareness that he is not ready to do. Maybe one day he can, maybe not, but it is HARMFUL to you, to stay a part of his life and hope for that. He needs to do the work on his own.
So your play is to wish him well and cut him loose and try not to look back.
It's the last part, that is hard.
Getting over the end of a relationship is often compared to mourning a death. You have to go through a process. The people turning a bit cold on you here for obsessing over the details, well, it's easy for US to say, "Stop thinking about all this! You're done with this relationship, END OF STORY!" It won't be that easy for you. You should not expect it to be, and there is nothing wrong with you for having these thoughts, though you'll need to make sure that they don't push you into unwise actions or words. Put a buffer between your feelings/thoughts, and your words/actions. I recommend writing in a journal. (I recommend that a lot, but seriously it does help.) You need to work at not engaging him. You are no longer accountable to him in any fashion. He has no entitlement to your engagement in his mind games.
In time, it will get easier, especially the more you're able to cut ties and get distance from him.
I still have to interact with my abusive ex, because we are co-parents. There are times he tries to drag me into post-mortem relationship conversations, or interrogate me on events and conversations that happened years ago. This is pointless and aggravating, but there are times it's hard for me to nip it in the bud and refrain from engaging in this. But I used to have those conversations in my own head, every single day. Now, I don't. Time helps fade that part of things.
So do your best not to feed into these habits you have, because that's what it is...a bad habit...and give yourself time to let the impulse to dwell on all of this, fade. It will. Eventually.
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