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Do you folks know, that talking about 50 Shades around people who are really involved in practicing BDSM, let alone in communities, makes us want to explode and explain like 50 things to ya'll at once, while howling and pulling our hair at how inaccurate and awful it is, from the writing to the massive consent transgressions... It's a terrible portrayal of a wonderful thing. The consensus in my group is that its one and only redeeming quality was that in the film, whoever put together the set for his play room did a damn good job and we're all quite jealous of it. Quality toys are not cheap, in general. So any of us who went to see it took a break from scowling and scoffing to sigh with envy for a moment when that room was shown...
Anyhow. 50 Shades sucks. That is all. I'll shut up now.
Do you folks know, that talking about 50 Shades around people who are really involved in practicing BDSM, let alone in communities, makes us want to explode and explain like 50 things to ya'll at once, while howling and pulling our hair at how inaccurate and awful it is, from the writing to the massive consent transgressions... It's a terrible portrayal of a wonderful thing. The consensus in my group is that its one and only redeeming quality was that in the film, whoever put together the set for his play room did a damn good job and we're all quite jealous of it. Quality toys are not cheap, in general. So any of us who went to see it took a break from scowling and scoffing to sigh with envy for a moment when that room was shown...
Anyhow. 50 Shades sucks. That is all. I'll shut up now.
Yes, on the side of a lifestyle that she tried to portray, without one bit of real research, it totally sucked. No appreciation of the Sub, no Aftercare, nothing but a weak attempt to show seduction and oblivious submission. My understanding is she was trying to write a series of stories to compete with the seductive "Twilight" saga. Just pulled stuff outta the air and put it on paper. Yes, the play room was awesome. Lots of very expensive condiments to apply to a Treasured Entree'
Yeah, I mean...I'm no model, and my boyfriend says he finds me attractive and has no complaints about my appearance, and I certainly get plenty of attention from men, especially when I'm unclothed, so I don't think I've got anything to really feel especially insecure about.
But I am also human and not "perfect" and no longer 18. It is when the comparisons start creeping in...but it's not comparison between me and any individual woman, it's ALL OF THEM. It's the fact that I could be a total 10, but I cannot compare to the option of looking at unlimited women of tremendous variety, endless novelty, doing a different act every few seconds or just the right act at just the right time, with no muscle fatigue, discomfort, or awkwardness. Just...fantasy has the ability to BE that level of perfection, whatever you're seeking, that reality doesn't.
And I cannot roll back, nor even stop, the aging clock for myself. Whereas those women on porn...endless youth. There's just something there that I cannot be, nor compare to. I am only what I am, at any moment.
And some say, "Well, what about him, he's aging too, he's not a 10" but it doesn't matter what he looks like or if he's getting older. My sexual drive is not driven so much by what I'm seeing with my eyeballs. Once I know and love someone, they always look beautiful in my eyes and I don't see the changes of aging as they happen. But we get bombarded constantly by "men are visual" and "men love youth." So even if a woman is good looking, she knows she will age. How to not feel our men will love us less as we look less and less like what a perfect woman is supposed to look like? And then of course we're utterly brainwashed by our consumerist American society's commercial messages that we are not, definitely not, good enough in our natural state and needs must spend money money money to make ourselves appealing. Look at this model! She's hotter than you! Buy this thing so you don't hate yourself! So you can be attractive (ahem...deserving of love...) from your partner!
And it leaves me personally feeling like a guy can "settle" for regular old imperfect human aging me...but he'll always be fantasizing about the barely legal he likes to watch on the screen. I'm only good enough, not what he really wants, even if I'm the best he can get and he feels lucky to have me. I'm still not what he'd have if he could wish for whatever. Good enough, only just, if I'm lucky...and that's sure to change, since I cannot freeze time or stop aging in its tracks, no matter how much I spend on lotions, potions, cosmetics and procedures to try. It's futile.
It makes the whole thing of trying to appeal to a man feel kind of futile, honestly. It's depressing.
But at least I own that this is MY stuff. I don't dump this on my partner, or try and control him...because I still don't really have a moral or ethical objection to porn or his enjoyment of it. My ideologies about sexual freedom mean more to me, than my programmed insecurities and baggage.
This is pretty similar to how I feel too. It's this thought that, by watching porn, he's generally fantasizing about someone better, but settled for me because I was the best he could do. For example, one of my first boyfriends really liked big chested women. I was not naturally big chested. I knew this but it didn't really get to me until it came up one day what type of porn he watched -- women with large breasts. If I'm going to be honest, knowing that just made me feel very inadequate. I simply didn't feel attractive when we were having sex knowing I wasn't really his ideal and it made it hard for me to really enjoy sex with him. A year or two later, I actually got a breast augmentation. I'd be lying if I said this previous boyfriend's porn viewing didn't play a part in that decision. While porn has people of all shapes and sizes, I think there is definitely somewhat of an "ideal female body" in pornography and it's not the natural body of most women. I aspire to be that secure woman who literally doesn't care, maybe that comes with age. I think part of it depends on your partner though, being with someone who fantasizes about something different than you is rough and doesn't do much to boost your confidence.
This is pretty similar to how I feel too. It's this thought that, by watching porn, he's generally fantasizing about someone better, but settled for me because I was the best he could do. For example, one of my first boyfriends really liked big chested women. I was not naturally big chested. I knew this but it didn't really get to me until it came up one day what type of porn he watched -- women with large breasts. If I'm going to be honest, knowing that just made me feel very inadequate. I simply didn't feel attractive when we were having sex knowing I wasn't really his ideal and it made it hard for me to really enjoy sex with him. A year or two later, I actually got a breast augmentation. I'd be lying if I said this previous boyfriend's porn viewing didn't play a part in that decision. While porn has people of all shapes and sizes, I think there is definitely somewhat of an "ideal female body" in pornography and it's not the natural body of most women. I aspire to be that secure woman who literally doesn't care, maybe that comes with age. I think part of it depends on your partner though, being with someone who fantasizes about something different than you is rough and doesn't do much to boost your confidence.
Then get with a person that wants you for you.
Very simple fact:
Men date women, and don't expect/think that she will change after they get married. We believe that the sexual dynamo, beer drinking buddy she is while we're dating is who she'll be afterwards.
Women date men, and look to see what they can mold him into.
You settle for less than your standards, you get what you settle for. But, don't complain because going into a relationship you don't like something that the guy you're not living with does, and expect him to change because you nag it out of him. You don't like it, it's a deal breaker, then move on. Find the guy that will do your bidding.
Fantasies are not realities. Most mature people understand that. We imagine what it would be like to have money, fame, power, looks. Doesn't mean we aren't solidly in our foundation, just means we're not dead, we still have ambitions. And, if you take from that, that your partner would trade up/down/sideways for another female, then he's not in love with you. So, move on. Don't drive yourself crazy. Cut your losses, MOVE ON>
This is pretty similar to how I feel too. It's this thought that, by watching porn, he's generally fantasizing about someone better, but settled for me because I was the best he could do. For example, one of my first boyfriends really liked big chested women. I was not naturally big chested. I knew this but it didn't really get to me until it came up one day what type of porn he watched -- women with large breasts. If I'm going to be honest, knowing that just made me feel very inadequate. I simply didn't feel attractive when we were having sex knowing I wasn't really his ideal and it made it hard for me to really enjoy sex with him. A year or two later, I actually got a breast augmentation. I'd be lying if I said this previous boyfriend's porn viewing didn't play a part in that decision. While porn has people of all shapes and sizes, I think there is definitely somewhat of an "ideal female body" in pornography and it's not the natural body of most women. I aspire to be that secure woman who literally doesn't care, maybe that comes with age. I think part of it depends on your partner though, being with someone who fantasizes about something different than you is rough and doesn't do much to boost your confidence.
As I've said, this is emotional stuff, what I wrote. I "know" better but my heart doesn't care. It just feels what it feels. I've thought that if I could find a way to enjoy watching porn maybe I'd feel differently, and I tried but I just can't. Erotic writing doesn't "do it" for me either, nor romance in films, for me it's all just stuff in my head. And I'm not thinking about specific people or their looks or body types, only acts and scenarios, as though I were experiencing them myself, first from one point of view, and then another.
Frankly though, when I saw how it could be for my boyfriend, needing to search and search for good content and taking hours to get the job done as he does (lifetime habituation) I felt kind of sorry for him. I can take care of my own needs with my own imagination in under 5 minutes, and never have the cumbersome requirement to look for stimulating videos in an endless sea of clips. What he does seems very inefficient.
But also for whatever it is worth, every woman I've ever met in my life, even the most legendary beauties in my social circles, the stunners who render half the men and some of the women speechless in a room...STILL have body image issues and insecurities. Every single one.
Being in the community has helped me, as it's helped many of us, because we come to know this fact and also to see beauty in many body types, shapes, ages, colors, sizes...it does wonders for the confidence...but still, I am aware of all the ways in which I am not perfect.
The other message I've received in life, you hear from comedians and men making casual remarks, like they prefer beer to women because the beer doesn't nag or talk back or whatever, and things like that...it makes me feel like men would rather not have to care about my feelings or deal with like a whole person. With porn, they get the best, what they really want, the "visual" stimulation and they can fast forward through the segment where she gives an exposition on why she wanted to do this, and get right to the good stuff. No need to put up with a bunch of blah, blah, blah. No need to worry about treating a person decently. I've heard too much that makes me think, relationships are just a hassle men put up with to get sex, if they could just have the sex with a brainless body that would be to their preference.
Again...makes it all feel pretty futile, and depressing.
Fortunately, I do know, when I stop feeling whiny and looking for things to confirm my self-pity biases, that it isn't really true. There's just a lot of fuel for negative self-talk out there, and porn is tied into it.
This is pretty similar to how I feel too. It's this thought that, by watching porn, he's generally fantasizing about someone better, but settled for me because I was the best he could do. For example, one of my first boyfriends really liked big chested women. I was not naturally big chested. I knew this but it didn't really get to me until it came up one day what type of porn he watched -- women with large breasts. If I'm going to be honest, knowing that just made me feel very inadequate. I simply didn't feel attractive when we were having sex knowing I wasn't really his ideal and it made it hard for me to really enjoy sex with him. A year or two later, I actually got a breast augmentation. I'd be lying if I said this previous boyfriend's porn viewing didn't play a part in that decision. While porn has people of all shapes and sizes, I think there is definitely somewhat of an "ideal female body" in pornography and it's not the natural body of most women. I aspire to be that secure woman who literally doesn't care, maybe that comes with age. I think part of it depends on your partner though, being with someone who fantasizes about something different than you is rough and doesn't do much to boost your confidence.
There can be other elements other than porn that had influenced someone to get augmented. I know this one woman that was an A cup, and she was self-conscious of it as she's been made fun of for it and it tipped her over the edge. Which lead her to getting 2 cups bigger.
Anyhow. 50 Shades sucks. That is all. I'll shut up now.
I love to see plays, and a play-going girlfriend snagged two tickets for Spank! The Musical, which of course is a spoof of 50 Shades. She offered me a ticket, I accepted, and so I borrowed the books from a co-worker. Oh, it was bad. I read the first two, but just couldn't do the third. Horrible dialogue, horrible one-dimensional characters, no discernable plot. And somehow, Christian Grey goes from flat broke to billionaire in less than a decade, no mention of how, and somehow has multiple custom skyscraper buildings around the world, which he must have commissioned while still flat broke. Hmmm.
One reason many women are against porno is the woman in the porno are generally better looking then the woman complaining. They do not want their spouse/partner seeing the younger woman as they feel their spouse/partner will want younger.
"Better looking"? I guess that's in the eye of the beholder. They rarely look anything close to what I'd want to look like but they have that "sexual" look that some men seem to get off on.
So no, I don't care what they look like. What I care about is that those women will do ANYTHING the guy wants to without complaint and can orgasm with absolutely no contact or effort from him. Seriously - sometimes the guy doesn't lay a hand on her and she does all the work with absolutely no foreplay for her. THAT is a fantasy that just won't work in real life with a real woman who is a real partner. So yeah - I don't like guys getting trained that THAT is reality - no way I want a sex life/relationship like that.
It’s unreasonable of me to expect her to be in the mood as much as me, and I’m not bothered she isn’t at all, but what I look at harmlessly alone doesn’t impact anything whatsoever. I’m loyal to only her, so be careful about saying your BF can’t see porn, he’ll just lie about it anyway. Its only a problem if he chooses porn over you, but that would just be weird. Guys are visual, though, so the idea of saying 1) You can’t look at porn, 2) Sometimes I’m not in the mood and so you should not do anything sounds like a young girl attitude with zero understanding of how guys work.
It’s like breakfast, I don’t expect you to cook it, but it’s happening with or without you. I’m eating breakfast. If you want to cook it, great, if not that’s fine but I’m still hungry and going to eat it. I don’t think some girls “get that.” I don’t go to bed hungry and I don’t go to bed horny, either.
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