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Unread 04-04-2008, 09:18 AM
 
Location: Vegas Baby
537 posts, read 1,088,044 times
Reputation: 219
He doesn't seem to care about your feelings or your sons!!! Think about it, you have to FORCE him to spend time with your son. Do you REALLY want him to do it because he was forced? I'm pretty sure your son notices this and it probably makes him feel really bad or resent you for keeping this lame around!! You should tell the guy to pack up his toys and move on to someone else.
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Unread 04-04-2008, 09:26 AM
 
Location: Spartanburg, SC
5 posts, read 10,108 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by kck69 View Post
Should I stay knowing what my plan is? Or should I give him an option? Please tell me
My input is as follows:

1. Let him know (BF) what your plans are that you have tried to make him see why you came to this plan. (Try to do this with a clam head, I know thats easier said than done)

Thats what we did.(My wife and I)

This will give him a sort of Ultimatum so to speak, a real wake-up call. Tell him your Son is your life always has always will be. If he can't seem to make a bonified effort towards your wishes(your son). Then this is the option or decision you are making.

Even if he opens his eyes or not still do the following....

2. Work on to Split the bills 50/50. rent, groceries, etc. or Come to a mutual Bill agreement. but In my opinion I would split the rent, groceries, etc..

3. Look for another place both you and your son can afford. (rent wise). I don't know if you rent an apartment or a house. There is Apartmentfinders.com, rent.com, your local newspaper and just traveling around in your neighborhood. You'd be suprised how many people have houses for rent for about the same or cheaper than your paying now.

4. Always try to listen to what your son wants. What I mean by this if your son has friends and a good school try to stay near his wishes if possible. Look for places near his life bt a ways away from the old one for your own personel peace.

5. I'm still learning the rest myself, I'm not wise or smart by any means and stuff that has worked in my relationship may not work for you. But its a start.

6. Keep your options open. Just because he says he will try doesn't mean he won't do the same thing of paying attention for a while then slump back to being the jerk he is.

Tell him your plans its better up front instead of him finding out later by his own. You never know what some people might say or do, If you try to do it secretative.

You seem to have been honest so far don't ruin your life or your son's life by hiding stuff. Hiding, I found out only leads to pain later.

I hope this helps. and let me know how stuff turns out for you, your son and your BF.

Akuma
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Unread 04-04-2008, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,545 posts, read 20,669,855 times
Reputation: 5929
I would put my finances in order and show him the door when you can afford to. If you need to get help from the state there is no shame in that until you get on your feet.

One thing I can tell you is this guy isn't going to change. When a person gets to the age of 31, he is who he is.

Your son could get to question your loyalty if this guy remains in your life and I know you don't want that. Your son has you to rely on and only YOU. Put him first, if someone is a good person, he will stand beside you and put your child first as well. Don't let anyone get between you and your child. If they try, run from them because they are basically a childish person and that isn't something an adult gets over, they are takers.

If you have family you can move to be closer to, move back to them, if they will be a support, move back to where you have a support system and friends.

One thing I have learned as a parent, you have to have tunnel vision, be single-minded, it does have to be ALL ABOUT YOUR KID. Your child will be MUCH more happy if he has all of his Mother and ONLY his Mother then if he has you both, you and his Step Dad, he has no one. Your son will wonder why YOU love this guy so much when this guy doesn't care about him.
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Unread 04-04-2008, 10:28 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,598 posts, read 19,929,580 times
Reputation: 9652
Quote:
Originally Posted by kck69 View Post
So what I am going to have to do is take care of my finances and so on and then start fresh. It's not going to be easy, because we rent together and don't drive and he pays all the bills and groceries and I do the rent. Should I stay knowing what my plan is? Or should I give him an option? Please tell me
A woman needs to always have another skills to be financially independent if need be. I mean, what if this guy got hit by a truck tomorrow? You must have your own savings account. And is it that you don't have a car of your own, his doesn't let you drive his or you don't know how to drive? Anyway, you should always have a Plan B just in case and a rainy day fund that's all your own and your son's. You are 27 and it's never too late to add to your work skills and expand your horizons. Never never stop learning, no matter what your age. Think outside the box.

Even if tomorrow, this guy were willing to go to city hall and marry you, I'd want you to think hard before accepting. I think that there is something emotionally lacking in a man that has resisted loving your son so far. Did he not bond with his own father?

Now... are you happy living in the city or area that you are living in? Where are your family and friends? Still back in NJ? What about you and your son moving back to NJ? And if you want to stay where you are, perhaps look into a Big Brother program for your son in the meantime. He needs a good male role model and that isn't your boyfriend. And hopefully, the Big Brother can wean your son away from the video games. At the age of 9, he should be outdoors playing and running around. And with your boyfriend, I would worry about him turning into a big fat couch potato they way he loves his video games. So he doesn't seem like very good marriage material to me.

As to telling your boyfriend your plans, I think that for your own closure, you may want to calmly ask him what his life goals are in the near future. Casually bring up the topic of marriage. Don't push it, but just see if he has even given marrying you any recent thought. As it is, it seems like he hasn't even offered you an engagement ring.

And if you find a Big Brother for your son, perhaps if they get together on the weekends, you can slip away and work a part time job. Also look into selling on eBay for extra income.
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Unread 04-04-2008, 10:44 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
67 posts, read 217,990 times
Reputation: 42
Well I have been saving for wet days. I have been saving to go back to school also to do interior designing. The car is ours and I can't drive. I only have one sister in NJ and she's not stable. We don't get along. I am hoping I can put myself to together and continue living in North Carolina. My son loves it here. He would hate going back up NJ. My boyfriend never bonded with his dad. His grandparents raised him and did their best. His mother wasn't there for him either. It's only now, he is trying to work something out with his parents that's why I was patient with him. But I just feel that I can't be patient no more. Can you give me more info on the Big Brother program? I need to make a new start. I am going to tell him what my plans are. I also think that by not sharing a bedroom with him, will help. I need to show him I am making a move. And I am serious.
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Unread 04-04-2008, 10:52 AM
 
930 posts, read 1,407,724 times
Reputation: 960
I would like to point out something to you that hasn't been pointed out before.

Number one....You are hot. How do I know that? Because your boyfriend wouldn't be with you if you weren't. He doesn't want a stepson, but wants the most attractive girlfriend he can land, and will tolerate a kid in tow if he has to just so he can be with you. So in short. He is shallow.

Obvious revelation number two. Your boyfriend doesn't have a whole lot of options. If he did, he would get himself a hot girlfriend who didn't have kids. So I really doubt he has much to offer in terms of looks, success or ambition, or he would have moved on a long time ago. So again, in short....you wayyy underachieved.

Your story will be repeated over and over again by every single mom who is dating.

Yes the boyfriend with no kids is available 24x7 for you. But if you find yourself a nice match...a single dad. You might actually get someone who has depth and maturity.
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Unread 04-04-2008, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Raleigh
67 posts, read 217,990 times
Reputation: 42
Thanks Beena. And yes I am . I am more than a woman. I am not just saying that. I have a lot of ambition. My mother taught me to be that way. He can't cook ANYTHING, so let me tell you that no woman is going to tolerate him. He is good looking, but that's about it. He also knows how to be a gentleman and is very intelligent. But he has nothing really going for him. He can't do much for himself because I think that his grandmother did everything for him. But he is still very immature and will always be. I can do much better than him and I know it.
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Unread 04-04-2008, 11:49 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,598 posts, read 19,929,580 times
Reputation: 9652
Here is a link to Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Western North Carolina for a start. And I believe that a son needs more than just one male role model. The more brothers and uncles around, the more positive reinforcement. Also consider your son joining a cub or boy scout program. I was a girl scout and my boyfriend was a boy scout and reached the Eagle scout level. It's a great way to meet new friends and mentors. Plus learning neat new stuff.

Big Brothers Big Sisters of WNC

And please learn how to drive! Why haven't you yet? I'm glad to hear that you are planning to take classes in interior design.

Edit: I found a link for the Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Greater Columbia, North Carolina in case that is more your area. It's a great program. One high school friend of mine who lives up in Maine mentored a neighborhood boy and helped get him into college. She would help him with his homework and go to all of his track meets.

Big Brother Big Sister of Greater Columbia
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Unread 04-04-2008, 12:05 PM
 
Location: When will Hell Freeze Phoenix, AZ
220 posts, read 493,605 times
Reputation: 116
Kck69, my heart breaks for your son! It truly does. My brother, a stepfather to a boy, says that no one loves a child like his or her own parents. **Its a rarity the stepdad who does love a boy like his own. ** He cares for his stepson but not like a father. In other words, you can't make your boyfriend care for your son like you do. Its a sad fact that your son has no male figure but you can't guilt your bf into caring. It just doesn't work like that.
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Unread 04-04-2008, 12:06 PM
 
Location: When will Hell Freeze Phoenix, AZ
220 posts, read 493,605 times
Reputation: 116
Oh, and I agree with Miu - Big Brothers might be a great option
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