My Boyfriend Won't Spend Quality Time With My Son (boyfriends, husband, gay)
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Well I have been saving for wet days. I have been saving to go back to school also to do interior designing. The car is ours and I can't drive. I only have one sister in NJ and she's not stable. We don't get along. I am hoping I can put myself to together and continue living in North Carolina. My son loves it here. He would hate going back up NJ. My boyfriend never bonded with his dad. His grandparents raised him and did their best. His mother wasn't there for him either. It's only now, he is trying to work something out with his parents that's why I was patient with him. But I just feel that I can't be patient no more. Can you give me more info on the Big Brother program? I need to make a new start. I am going to tell him what my plans are. I also think that by not sharing a bedroom with him, will help. I need to show him I am making a move. And I am serious.
Have you tried counseling at all? Or have you ever suggested counseling to HIM? Even though he is there for your son when it comes to the important stuff (school matters, etc.), it seems that your BF has some sort of intimacy issues/ father figure issues. You did say that his father was never around, right? So, when you pushed him to spend time w/ your son, in a sense, you forced him to face his fears/ angers/ whatever he was feeling at that time towards his Dad for his Dad's lack of presence. Perhaps, because he doesn't want to think about his OWN past (in relation to his own Dad), he pushes himself away from YOUR son.
I would give him one more chance with the counseling. If he doesn't want to go, then I would agree w/ everybody else and leave.
If he is a loving and caring guy why can't that love and care generalize to her son? It sounds like maybe he has issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jefetio
I don't think there is anything wrong with your boyfriend except that
he is not the right guy for you.
Sounds like he just can't bond with your son, doesn't sound like they have much in common. That doesn't make him a bad guy. You said yourself he is a caring and loving guy.
I'm kind of offended at how the women (and men) in here are ripping him to shreds without even knowing him. What did he do that was so wrong? He likes soccer and video games OOOOOOO HOW EVIL!
Do you want a boyfriend? Or a father for your child?
You obviously fell in love with the guy for a reason, and now you are trying to change him into something he's not. Drives me nuts when women do that.
There are plenty of guys out there who are great with children and make good fathers.
Ya it isn't working from what I can tell here. IMO it isn't too much to ask that your long term BF be a mentor or close friend to your son. It isn't hard to spend time playing computer games, or reading to him? Or watching videos or playing catch? Or even talking and telling each other jokes? Is it really THAT hard, tedius, or challenging for a GROWN adult man to do that? Apparenetly it is for some. It is so pathetic when people throw away the opportunity to bond and form tight relationships.
Your BF might know subconsciously that it gets on your nerves, so he might be doing that on purpose to end the relationship. It is passive aggressive, vague, and rude way of saying "I don't want to be with you any more". Passive aggressives are hard to detect. He also might be self defeating. He pushes away opportunities where he might be able to grow and mature and make others happy.
I am sorry you are going through that mess, but your son does deserve a mentor and a close male friend. Look for a good one ok. Big brother is all I can recommend. A new and mature BF that is cool with kids (but isn't a pedophile, watch out for pedophiles)..etc.
Best wishes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kck69
Hey Jafetio
So sorry but I am not trying to change anyone here. He started off okay with my son. He did stuff with him and for him, but when he changed, I had the right to talk. What so wrong with that. No one said he was a bad guy. He did not commit any crime. Alright what I said was that I am making a move because he can't be a stepfather to my son. Why would I want to change him? When I told him once, if this is something he doesn't want to do, it's fine, I can do it on my own. He said he will change and do better. I took his word for it. So that's where the word "change" comes in. He keep saying he will change. I never asked him to. I don't want to force him into anything. It would not be right. But I love my son more, so I will do the right thing here and make my son happy. It's long overdue.
Those issues take a life time to heal. He might be responsible but he is already showing signs of emotional and psychological abuse. Sort of a cry baby's excuse "my dad wasn't there for me and didn't love me, so I won't be there for my GF's kid"....her kid is innocent and shouldn't have to deal with that junk. The kid isn't going to know any better, he will internalize and get even more damaged, no thanks to that guy.
It wasn't a good idea to have him live there either. He sounds childish and immature.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sms0511
Have you tried counseling at all? Or have you ever suggested counseling to HIM? Even though he is there for your son when it comes to the important stuff (school matters, etc.), it seems that your BF has some sort of intimacy issues/ father figure issues. You did say that his father was never around, right? So, when you pushed him to spend time w/ your son, in a sense, you forced him to face his fears/ angers/ whatever he was feeling at that time towards his Dad for his Dad's lack of presence. Perhaps, because he doesn't want to think about his OWN past (in relation to his own Dad), he pushes himself away from YOUR son.
I would give him one more chance with the counseling. If he doesn't want to go, then I would agree w/ everybody else and leave.
I've found college men to be VERY immature. I am still in college, so I get to interact with a variety of people. It is like guys stop maturing at junior high level. It is hilarious. I have a VERY hard time finding relationships and close friends that I can trust because of the strong immaturity levels in men. I tend to get repulsed by it or anxious (I never know what they have up their sleaves), I feel like I passed that Level of maturity back when I was 13 years old. LOL. seriously. I hope I find somebody. Anyways, I wish this person the best of luck, she needs it and at least she is asking for help on here. That shows that she might not be so immature anymore
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator
I think there are a variety of factors, but as a college professor who interacts regularly with folks in their early 20's I must say I am often struck by the enormous maturity gap between the average female and average male college student. There are many exceptions of course, but so many women students are leaps ahead of their male counterparts.
And having known numerous boyfriend/girlfriend couples, I have found that similar maturity levels almost invariably connect (no surprise, really). The OP, for example, is 27 and has a 9 year old son. That means pregnant at 18 and (statistically speaking) likely out of wedlock. That is not, being very blunt, a great sign of maturity nor is it a recipe for long-term success.
But she gets the FEELING that soccer and video games are much more important to him than the relationship. That is what she is really trying to say
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan B 718
Props to Noem, that is probably the best answer posted.
My best guess is that the guy goes to work, pays bills, comes homes, loves his girlfriend, but just puts up with the kid. He's not the guy for you. He might be the guy in 10 years once your son is an adult, and its mainly just you and your man. But for right now, he probably just really doesnt want to be bothered dealing with a kid.
Maybe he has problems forming an emotional attachment with a child. Maybe he doesnt know how to express himself with a child. Maybe he's scared to get too close to a child that isnt his (there is ALOT of this going around. people are VERY scared of children these days.) Maybe he's of the mind, where its your kid and your responsibility. He works, pays his share of the bills, does the dishes, as do you, but your kid/your problem. Some guys are like this. He might also be resentful of the child. He met you at 25, theres probably lots of vacation and funtime thats been de-railed because there was no sitter, or bringing the kid along would be a damper. Maybe he stuck around so long thinking things would change and seeing as how he hasnt, he retreats in to his own little world. Maybe he doesnt want to be with you either and is scared to let you go. Maybe he sees the child as another responsibility (helping with homework, etc) but doesnt really know how to connect otherwise. Lots of maybes, but the only definite that matters is that YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.
As for him playing video games and soccer, thats his time. Theres plenty of "adults" that occupy their time with what they want to do. He works, he pays bills, and his wind-down time is his to do with as he pleases. At least he's not out drinking and whoring it up with his free time. The problem for you lies in the fact that he doesnt want to share that time with your son. After all, its not like hes spending his time doing things that a kid couldnt do either. Soccer and video games, thats a kid's dream dad!
Anyways, it doesnt sound like hes a bad guy. sounds like a pretty good guy in fact, just not a guy that wants a kid. your biggest mistake was moving him in and letting your son get attached, which MANY young single parents do, in an attempt to get their child another parent. You should have left it as a boyfriend/booty-call type relationship, and not let it get to the co-habitation stage. How long were you dating before he moved in? (sorry if thats personal)
Also, if its allowed, and ALOT of thought is put into it, perhaps you might consider a nice pet for your son. It will give your son something to bond with and love, teach some responsibility, and if your boyfriend is into it, might give both males in your life some common ground to display love and affection.
Either way, dont be too hard on the guy, some people are just not cut out to be parents, and even less are cut out to be parents to someone else's kid.
But like everyone else, i think you need to cut your losses. you're still plenty young, but you're also in an age bracket, where the men interested in you can understand if you have a kid. Most 25 year olds have a hard enough time dealing with a girlfriend let alone one with a small child. He's dealt with it for 6 years just like you did and it didnt work out. You've both given each other some of the best years of your lives, its sad, but nothing to be ashamed of, you live and hopefully learn. Time to move on. i wish you and your son the best of luck!
p.s Regardless of what you hear in the news, a well raised pitbull makes an awesome pet!! (of course im a lil biased)
I've found college men to be VERY immature. I am still in college, so I get to interact with a variety of people. It is like guys stop maturing at junior high level. It is hilarious. I have a VERY hard time finding relationships and close friends that I can trust because of the strong immaturity levels in men. I tend to get repulsed by it or anxious (I never know what they have up their sleaves), because I feel like I passed that Level of maturity back when I was 13 years old. LOL. seriously. I hope I find somebody. Anyways, I wish this person the best of luck, she needs it and at least she is asking for help on here. That shows that she might not be so immature anymore
While males' development has always been more or less arrested , being a Peter Pan seems to be more trendy by the day... Seems to be deliberately cultivated at recent and not so recent times as well.
Right and I'll probably be the only MAN on your side too, believe me.
The only part of me that is immature is the "goofing" around part. I think my sense of humor is like that of a 13 year old. haha. You can read more of that in that there article.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ
While males' development has always been more or less arrested , being a Peter Pan seems to be more trendy by the day... Seems to be deliberately cultivated at recent and not so recent times as well.
Oh, I'm sure they'll all forget their differences and unite against the common enemy!
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(of course im a lil biased)
Right and I'll probably be the only MAN on your side too, believe me.
