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Unread 04-03-2008, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
67 posts, read 217,636 times
Reputation: 42
Default My Boyfriend Won't Spend Quality Time With My Son

Okay here is my situation. I have been dealing with this for a long time now. And I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I would also like you all to be honest and tell me if I am wrong here. My boyfriend met me when my son was 3 years old. My son is 9 years now. My son's father never really took care of him. His name isn't on my son's birth certificate. My son always wanted a male figure in his life even if I was always there for him. Then I met my boyfriend and things were okay. He (my boyfriend) is a very loving and caring person. His grandparents raised him, because his father wasn't really in his life. Although his father was there off and on. I am saying this because I would like you all to tell me if this is the reason for his behavior. I am not sure it is because I know for a fact his grandparents was there 100% and his grandfather spent quality time with him. Now my problem is that, I can't get him to spend time with my son. My son likes video games and action figures and he always has to beg my boyfriend to come play with him. It really hurts me. All my boyfriend keep saying is that, he doesn't like any of my son's games (Not one). My son got a bicycle for christmas, so I figured my boyfriend will now be able to take him outside to ride. Well, if it's raining, nothing can happen. Weekends are all about my boyfriend. He likes soccer, so he gets up in the morninig, watch soccer on tv, then eat, then play playstation until whatever time. My son is there lonely all of this time. Of course, I play my part. But he wants my boyfriend to spend time with him too and that's not happening. I speak to him about these things over and over and no change. He might do something for one day and then back to square one. Why should I have to remind him. We get home 7:30 p.m. at night everyday and I spend time with my son watching tv and so on. I've asked my boyfriend to just go to his room and sit with him, ask him how his day was and so on. But as soon as he enters the house, he goes straight to his playstation. I don't understand. I feel frustrated. It hurts me to see my son beg him all the time. It's only fair that as a result of that, I don't give my boyfriend my all. I can't give him my all until he decide to do something about that. Am I wrong? What should I do. Now my son, at the age of 9 is telling me that he has given up and he won't ask him to spend time with him anymore. It hurts. My boyfriend is always there for my son when it comes to school and so on. He will attend meetings, check his report card and so on. But spending time with my son seems to be hard for him. All he thinks about is himself and making himself happy. Well my son comes 1st and I need to get some advice on this pleaseeeee.
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,413 posts, read 4,223,291 times
Reputation: 2910
I see at least one big issue here: the maturity of your boyfriend. He sits in front of a video game all the time and plays soccer on the weekends. How old is this guy -- 12??? Does he not have a career? Responsibilities? Goals? Sounds to me like you have TWO children at home and you're expecting one to father the other. Why would you expect this potential "dad" to exhibit father-like tendencies when he himself may need fathering?

Frankly, I think you need to give some serious thought to ditching this boyfriend (with the operative word apparently being BOY). You clearly want someone who will love you and your son as a father would. Your boyfriend has made it clear that he either will not or cannot do it. All the pleading and imploring in the world cannot change his feelings toward your son; that simply cannot be forced. Leave him and his Playstation, and find yourself a MAN.
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:14 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
67 posts, read 217,636 times
Reputation: 42
I feel the same way. I keep telling him I feel like I have two kids dealing with. He works just like me. And I still have to cook, clean and spend time with my son. All my boyfriend insist on doing is washing dishes although the dishwasher does most of it. I just feel like I have tried and I spoke to him about this over and over and he even sent me flowers at work once saying he will do better, because I was really mad about it, but as I said we're back to square one. I hardly have to talk to my son about something and keep repeating myself over and over. But my boyfriend, I feel like he is the child in the home and I think all this is making me sick as I suffer with Migraine and Asthma. We both have goals but I just feel he still wants to enjoy his teenage life. And by the way he is 31 years and I am 27.
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,413 posts, read 4,223,291 times
Reputation: 2910
Quote:
Originally Posted by kck69 View Post
I feel the same way.... I think all this is making me sick as I suffer with Migraine and Asthma. We both have goals but I just feel he still wants to enjoy his teenage life. And by the way he is 31 years and I am 27.
Your relationship with this man-child is literally making you sick -- that is not a sign of a healthy relationship. And the long term prospects: grim. Get your financial and personal plans in order and break up with him.
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:27 PM
 
3,643 posts, read 6,252,416 times
Reputation: 2484
Quote:
Originally Posted by kck69 View Post
Okay here is my situation. I have been dealing with this for a long time now. And I just don't know how to deal with it anymore. I would also like you all to be honest and tell me if I am wrong here. My boyfriend met me when my son was 3 years old. My son is 9 years now. My son's father never really took care of him. His name isn't on my son's birth certificate. My son always wanted a male figure in his life even if I was always there for him. Then I met my boyfriend and things were okay. He (my boyfriend) is a very loving and caring person. His grandparents raised him, because his father wasn't really in his life. Although his father was there off and on. I am saying this because I would like you all to tell me if this is the reason for his behavior. I am not sure it is because I know for a fact his grandparents was there 100% and his grandfather spent quality time with him. Now my problem is that, I can't get him to spend time with my son. My son likes video games and action figures and he always has to beg my boyfriend to come play with him. It really hurts me. All my boyfriend keep saying is that, he doesn't like any of my son's games (Not one). My son got a bicycle for christmas, so I figured my boyfriend will now be able to take him outside to ride. Well, if it's raining, nothing can happen. Weekends are all about my boyfriend. He likes soccer, so he gets up in the morninig, watch soccer on tv, then eat, then play playstation until whatever time. My son is there lonely all of this time. Of course, I play my part. But he wants my boyfriend to spend time with him too and that's not happening. I speak to him about these things over and over and no change. He might do something for one day and then back to square one. Why should I have to remind him. We get home 7:30 p.m. at night everyday and I spend time with my son watching tv and so on. I've asked my boyfriend to just go to his room and sit with him, ask him how his day was and so on. But as soon as he enters the house, he goes straight to his playstation. I don't understand. I feel frustrated. It hurts me to see my son beg him all the time. It's only fair that as a result of that, I don't give my boyfriend my all. I can't give him my all until he decide to do something about that. Am I wrong? What should I do. Now my son, at the age of 9 is telling me that he has given up and he won't ask him to spend time with him anymore. It hurts. My boyfriend is always there for my son when it comes to school and so on. He will attend meetings, check his report card and so on. But spending time with my son seems to be hard for him. All he thinks about is himself and making himself happy. Well my son comes 1st and I need to get some advice on this pleaseeeee.
You seem in love with a total loser. And your son is suffering all the more over it.

Wake up.

Smell the coffee.

Dump your 13 year old boy friend.

Spend more time with your son. Show him what real love is all about.
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:30 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 15,502,096 times
Reputation: 7213
I am going to tell you the same.
Dump the loser. Your son needs a good male role model, not life's mooch!
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:32 PM
 
Location: California
598 posts, read 1,250,809 times
Reputation: 421
Hmm...I would give him a heads up - something like: this is a package deal. It's either both of us or neither of us.

But I'm not super optimistic. Where can this relationship go? You can't marry the guy (please do not marry this guy). And he doesn't really have a great reason to change (you can't threaten him with seeing the child).

Personally I would be thinking of finding someone else unless you see big improvement in his actual behavior.

If this were his child or if you were married I would say tough it out, but that's not the case here.
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:33 PM
 
25,171 posts, read 31,073,948 times
Reputation: 6643
True pleading and imploring might make him do it temporarily but he will eventually wear you down with passive aggressive childish behaviors. I would know, my friend does that when he doesn't want to do something...lol and I am just his friend...imagine how his dates and lovers feel.

Ya I don't know what is up with guys these days. I don't know if women are equally as immature as men, they attract to each other, then women complain and whine about how their BF's and Husbands are no good immature and selfish and childish while never looking at themselves....OR is it good natured, mature and intellectual women making wrong decisions out of insecurity or a desperate need to give affection and time to a guy that creates the problemos...etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
Frankly, I think you need to give some serious thought to ditching this boyfriend (with the operative word apparently being BOY). You clearly want someone who will love you and your son as a father would. Your boyfriend has made it clear that he either will not or cannot do it. All the pleading and imploring in the world cannot change his feelings toward your son; that simply cannot be forced. Leave him and his Playstation, and find yourself a MAN.
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:47 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,413 posts, read 4,223,291 times
Reputation: 2910
Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
Ya I don't know what is up with guys these days. I don't know if women are equally as immature as men, they attract to each other, then women complain and whine about how their BF's and Husbands are no good immature and selfish and childish while never looking at themselves....
I think there are a variety of factors, but as a college professor who interacts regularly with folks in their early 20's I must say I am often struck by the enormous maturity gap between the average female and average male college student. There are many exceptions of course, but so many women students are leaps ahead of their male counterparts.

And having known numerous boyfriend/girlfriend couples, I have found that similar maturity levels almost invariably connect (no surprise, really). The OP, for example, is 27 and has a 9 year old son. That means pregnant at 18 and (statistically speaking) likely out of wedlock. That is not, being very blunt, a great sign of maturity nor is it a recipe for long-term success.
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Unread 04-03-2008, 09:51 PM
 
1,670 posts, read 3,749,458 times
Reputation: 1111
The problem is that you are raising two sons. Since your boyfriend has not matured, he could not give any advice or male bonding, if it does not center around those things he comfortable with. The real problem is that you have allowed this man into your life without any commitments. You have dated your boyfriend for six years. This is poor parenting on your part. You already have a child and you bring in another child to raise without papers. Women please stop allowing men to live with you without getting papers. I feel sorry for your son who is not getting the guidance that he so desparately need. Love you son, love yourself and find a man with a plan, not a boy who enjoys his toys.
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