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You refer to her as your baby's mother, not your girlfriend or wife. You are more concerned with winning an argument than having constructive discussions, which can be painful, but necessary. Words have consequences in relationships and you can't take back what you say in haste/anger.
It doesn't sound like either of you have addressed the issues with drugs, so that's always going to be in the background.
So, yes, without some sort of intervention (counseling/minister/third party), you are doomed. It's up to the both of you to decide if you want to hang on and fight, but, from your description, I don't see it.
I can provide any advice as I keep people like you and your wife at a great distance hence have little insight to drugs and addiction. Sounds like there is deep resent in you both, especially your partner.
Good luck to your child, I hope you both do what’s best for him and not yourselves!
I think a lot of people misinterpreted my comment about me not finding her "very attractive" when I first met her, that was only added to give perspective on how my mindset was when I was in my teens and therefore give insight on my behavior. That's not my mindset anymore though.
We'll see what happens, but the one thing I know for sure is that I won't let my son feel abandoned, because that's the way that I felt.
Well, the worm turns. You've said before how abusive she is and now you admit you were pretty awful to her.
Her attractiveness has little to do with it. That whole paragraph is really shallow. I mean, like you were/are such a prize, right?
And you know why? You two have been "together" since you were about 15 years old. You were unbaked loaves of bread. And now you've brought another human being into your immature relationship.
IF you really care and want to try to make it work, admit it to her. Humble yourself. Ask her to go to couples counseling with you, have an open mind about learning "how to adult," and stick with it. You can ask around about sliding scale counseling or maybe find something through a church. Even if the two of you don't end up staying together, you can develop skills that will benefit both of you and most of all, your son. Work hard to change this cycle or the future won't look good for him either.
And go apply for a job at UPS like I told you. Time to grow up.
Thank you, I've decided to go back to school for an advanced degree.
I started drinking heavily and doing drugs and getting into crime/street politics etc.
You also have to stop ever doing this:
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Originally Posted by River City Rocky
Bottom line is for the next 2-3 years I was a self-centered,abusive, erratic person that would go AWOL for days at a time...
... and she has to stop this:
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Originally Posted by River City Rocky
Now she was the one that started doing drugs
... she still takes out a lot of her anger on me and calls me ugly names.
And this behavior?
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Originally Posted by River City Rocky
I feel like I have to do something back so I do the same back to her.
Nope, that's childish, petty crap.
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Originally Posted by River City Rocky
I still love her but she says she hates me and doesn't love me, that she only stays with me because of our son, I tell her the same but I don't really mean it.
Just like this ^^^. Stop saying stuff like that. If it's true, DON'T stay with her, because you're being TERRIBLE role models for your son.
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Originally Posted by River City Rocky
The really sad part to me is that she's always threatening to take our son away from me, it worries me because I know she's capable of it and there's little I can do from a legal standpoint.
Fathers do have rights. You can't live under fear of a threat. Decide what you want, and educate yourself.
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Originally Posted by River City Rocky
Im looking into getting us a two bedroom apartment so we can at least cohabitate with our son but I really deep down would like the fighting and the grudges to stop and for us to be a family. I'd like to feel loved by her the way I did before.
What is your living situation now??? If you want to live together as a family, you both need serious counseling so you can learn how to regulate your emotions and respond properly to stressful situations.
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Originally Posted by River City Rocky
There's still bad influences around me and sometimes I'm tempted to give up and go back to my old ways....
Nope. Not an option. You don't have the luxury of backsliding. You have to stay sober and involved for your son. He needs a dad in his life, one that can teach him how to make good decisions, not one who is dead or in jail.
If you and your GF both commit to trying, it can be done. But if you're lazy and treat each other like children, your family won't exist.
Young person, you get back in life what you put out.
You refer to the mother of your son as "my baby's mother, "not super attractive" and "she wasn't the brightest." Sounds like she was and is your "fallback" GF; like you "settled" for her. You did and are doing her no favors. You go on and on about how you stayed with her for all of the benefits she could provide you and how she may lift you up in your life--selfish, selfish, selfish.
Apparently, there came a point when she finally caught on that you were all about YOU and her sacrifices were for not. Then, the resentment started to build, and she, rightfully so, started to put her self-interests above you/yours. She was wise to do so.
Now, here you are trying to figure out how to repair the abject damage your reckless and selfish behaviors and choices have caused. I do not know if that is possible. But, if you are to have any chance, I suggest to start with a heavy dose of humility and stop with the retaliatory comments and one-upping your child's mother. Tell her what you have told us, but, for goodness' sake, leave out the "my baby's mother, "not super attractive" and "she wasn't the brightest" comments. Fall on the sword my friend. Forgiveness should only be given to those who repent and make an honest, heartfelt effort to repair the damage they have caused.
I will add, "this" is no longer about YOU. Your sole and primary focus and concerns should go to son, who both of you brought into this mess. He is the involuntary victim here, not you. Any thought you have should be related to how to provide your son a stable, safe and loving environment. THAT is all that matters.
How do you plan to raise your child to not be a drug addled, babymaking street thug though? Does he have access to any role models?
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