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People are more inclined to stay in an unhappy situation they are familiar with, then face the unknown and do the work needed to build a happy life for themselves. The unknown scares most people.
One of my childhood friends has been in a miserable marriage for 15 years. This person would be so much better off if he divorced his spouse, but fears the unknown. It's sad to watch. The guy has a mentally ill spouse, who is an alcoholic, and has been arrested repeatedly for domestic violence against him. His wife also does not work. Personally, I think he has a very low self esteem. He always had a difficult time meeting women and settled for his troubled wife. On some level I think he likes being the sole breadwinner so he is somewhat in control. His fear of being alone won out and he chose not to be selective about who he married. Now, his daily life is a living hell. Actions have consequences.
There were quite a few red flags that you overlooked-- that she cheated on her boyfriend before she started seeing you. Remember, that old saying "If they will do it with you, they will do it to you." She has a mental illness, is not a productive and has never supported herself. Healthy, functional people are are self supporting.
In therapy you need to look at why you decided to ignore the red flags and get into a relationship that did not have the ingredients for success and learn the skills needed to make better choices going forward.
So now I reflect back over the past 6 months or so, all those times we did things together were just fake and not sincere,
Thoughts?
I'm only going to respond to the above. It's common to think this way in situations like yours. You question everything and every minute if you let yourself.
The thing is that people are able to compartmentalize their lives. Don't believe that all of those moments and times were fake. Yes, they were happening while there was a huge secret, but I suspect that your soon to be ex was happy and sincere at those times. She shoved the rest of the stuff aside at those times. In those times it was real. It happened. It wasn't fake. What you experienced was real. It was your truth. I wish I could do a better job explaining it to you the way it was explained to me once.
There are many people who will not confront issues, pull plugs on things, etc. unless forced to do so. They're generally passive, confrontation - avoidant people in general, or people who don't like to open complicated cans of worms until they have no choice.
Change is hard, and so is messiness. If people know their world will become less stable by being forthright about something, it's common to delay that indefinitely.
"$hit or get off the pot" is an idiom for a reason.
Why must OP she a therapist if the relationship is in proceedings? Consider yourself lucky and just let it go man. Move on.
If you've read his other threads, you will see that he has considerable issues that got him and kept him in this dysfunctional situation, and if he doesn't want history to repeat itself, he needs to fix it.
I think you should focus on understanding yourself and stop this frustrating, unproductive attempt to understand her. She is not rational; trying to understand her is likely impossible.
If things were bad before, why did you want to stay with her? Whatever answer you give to that question is is the same answer she would give. The affair is not only forcing you, but it is forcing her to wake up as well.
I guess I knew nothing with anyone would ever be perfect, the things that were missing were not always missing. I'm too flexible maybe?
I have a big list of things to talk to the Therapist about, most on me and why this is the case, but also I'm trying to find some closure in her logic, because I don't think she is that stupid to think what is going on is real, I'm also beginning to think she has created this fantasy and knows the scammer is such, she is just using it to numb her pain and senses, give her drive and/or the means to move on, because she wasn't getting what she needed from me and she didn't have it in her to do it without some mirage or fantasy to drown out the emotional toll.
Is there such a thing as using someone else as a means to get out of something, surrogate or sacrificial object, that has no emotional value, that is you can't hurt it by playing along, because you know it's intentions are false?
I hear her laughing and being giddy a lot, it's not like we are both sharing the same emotional thoughts, there is little empathy, feelings of wrongdoing, belle said "sociopath" which fits. If she is they are locked up in her mind due to this fantasy, almost like a psychosis either intended or not.
One thing is for sure, when reality is discussed, that is finding a place to live, job and how life will be without me, she changes into a different person, get's very mean and nasty.
I hear her laughing and being giddy a lot, it's not like we are both sharing the same emotional thoughts, there is little empathy, feelings of wrongdoing, belle said "sociopath" which fits. If she is they are locked up in her mind due to this fantasy, almost like a psychosis either intended or not.
One thing is for sure, when reality is discussed, that is finding a place to live, job and how life will be without me, she changes into a different person, get's very mean and nasty.
This ^^^ is not at all unusual.
It doesn't even have to be any kind of -osis. It could just be her way of coping with life. She turns to fantasy when she's stressed, and when reality hits, she reacts as you might expect when reality is not very pleasant.
How is the search for alternative living arrangements going? You have got to get out of that house ASAP.
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