Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-23-2018, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Traveling
7,020 posts, read 6,232,721 times
Reputation: 14658

Advertisements

I once moved in with a bf who had a low sex drive. I liked him and in many ways we were compatible but the frustration of the sexual part of our relationship became too much for me.

It was a sad break up but necessary. Frustration can lead to anger and that's no way to live.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-23-2018, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Chicago
880 posts, read 527,017 times
Reputation: 1754
My ex hid the fact that he was on anxiety meds. A few years into marriage i discovered he had OCD as well, it would cycle every few months so it wasn't obvious and would only manifest at night so it was easier for him to hide from me. After our wedding day, our sex dropped significantly but i made excuse, we were recent college graduates, trying to buy a home, then we had babies etc etc.

Finally 10yrs into our marriage i tried to "fix" things. I would constantly initiate sex, but i never did it in a overtly sexual manner. I would back up towards him, or start kissing on him. He would simply kiss me on the head and turn over. It was obvious i was looking for intimacy but he wasn't interested. I remember laying next to him many nights naked wishing he would touch me but he never did. When i finally did talk to him about it he admitted he knew what i wanted but just didn't want it, he told me he still found me beautiful, when i tried to dig a little deeper he shut down completely. The next few times i tried it on he tried to engage but suffered "performance anxiety". When i tried to talk to him about maybe seeing a doctor, once again he shut down on me. This started to expose the cracks in our marriage, and anytime i tried to talk to him about anything outside of small talk he would simply sit there in silence like he was thinking up a response but nothing would come out of his mouth, i would finally give up and go to sleep.

I had started individual therapy at this time, thinking it was me that was the problem, i had always made all the decisions in the household and took care of all the planning and responsibilities, maybe i had stunted him or emasculated him. I knew i couldnt live this way forever so i asked for a separation. He was shocked, no one on either side of our families have ever had a marriage breakdown, you stayed married no matter how unhappy you were. I told him if he wanted to fix things he would do therapy with me and i wanted him to find a couples therapist. He sat on his hands for 6 months and finally his brother gave him a number and forced him to call and make the appt. By that time it was too late for us. We finally divorced three months after our twelfth wedding anniversary.

He has since met and married another girl after knowing her less than a year, she has a type A personality like i did and hes playing the part as a doting husband, shes very smitten but i see the same behavior patterns in him, hiding his ocd etc.

So to answer your question OP. You haven't done anything wrong, you cant fix something if he wont acknowledge it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2018, 10:14 AM
 
1,569 posts, read 1,002,411 times
Reputation: 3666
You haven't done anything wrong.Obviously he's going through some things and he should be open with you about it but he's not.It's a shame that you had him move in with you just because his lease had been about to expire.You need to move on from this relationship.He's 22..too young to be thinking about getting married anyways.You need to get into a relationship that is better suited for you.Why is he on medication for again?End the relationship...stay friends and find someone whom is more sexually compatible with you.Life is too short for dealing with nonsense like this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2018, 10:25 AM
 
2,258 posts, read 1,125,073 times
Reputation: 2836
Sounds to me like the honeymoon period is over.
He thought he wanted a commitment and then when he got it, he didnt like it. But it looks like he doesnt know how to tell you that. Thats my guess. Thats the only way he would be getting himself off while youre not there and not involving you. Unless he is seeing someone else and doesnt think he can afford to move out for some reason.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2018, 11:17 AM
 
651 posts, read 405,634 times
Reputation: 807
Hmmm.. Definitely strange stuff. He might be insecure about himself "as a man". I have had a lot of issues of my own when I was younger and definitely thought it would be great to have a "nicer" d.ck, but I have worked my way through it. Sort of :-)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2018, 11:49 AM
 
1,058 posts, read 670,528 times
Reputation: 1844
Quote:
Originally Posted by slackercruster View Post
Sounds like a sex addict masturbating to porn all the time and nothing left for you. Send him to SA, SAA or SLA if you want to keep him. If not, find someone else.

Good luck!
I was thinking the same thing, or he might be gay
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2018, 11:53 AM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,611,073 times
Reputation: 54727
Quote:
Originally Posted by lionness91 View Post

We then decided to move in together at the last minute because his lease was up.
I stopped here.

Why do people do this to themselves and their new relationships?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2018, 12:05 PM
 
2,947 posts, read 1,341,689 times
Reputation: 3789
Quote:
Originally Posted by lionness91 View Post
I am a 27 year old female. My boyfriend is 22 years old. Before we even made it official, he talked all the time about committment and marriage and how he was ready. He then tried to "sell" himself since I was unsure of the age difference. I did like him so I gave it a shot. In the beginning it was wonderful. We talked on the phone for hours throughout the work week. And by the weekends came we couldn't keep our hands off each other. He knew what to say to get me going and keep me happy. He brought me little surprised and would constantly tell me cheesey jokes to make me smile. We told each other such personal things that we claimed we had never told anyone before.

It was then a few months into our relationship I had noticed things changing. He had told me after a month of dating he was taking an axiety medication. He only took if for three months. But by the time he was done with it, he had no sex drive whatsoever. I thought, maybe it's was he medication having side effects.

We then decided to move in together at the last minute because his lease was up. And I thought for sure by us living together he would have more freedom and feel more at ease with us being together and having the chance to talk more.

But it continued. We still tried to make it work but I noticed his communication was closing off as well. He continually says he doesn't know or hasn't thought about it before. No matter the topic. Finally I would give up and accept his I don't knows out of frustration of not getting anywhere.

I also thought that maybe he was stressed with moving into a new place, and also changing jobs to be closer to the house. He also hates his job which could be another stress factor. But he has already been living here for three months and I can't keep using this excuse as to why he doesn't want to have sex with me.

The lack of intimacy has dwindled down to almost nothing and I have to always initiate. If I don't, he can go weeks without anything. Anything we me at least.

I then discovered that he was masturbating before I came home from work. I asked him why he didn't want to do anything with me since I was practically begging him. He always claims that he is tired and doesn't have the energy. I also asked what he thinks about or fantasizes about while he is masturbating and he claims he thinks of me.

But I have to be realistic. For one, he is five years younger than me. He is at the peak of his sexual drive and yet no desire to be intimate with me. He also has enough energy and drive to masturabte on his own. And second, if he truly thinks of me while masturbating, then why is not just having sex with me? So I have to come to ugly conclusion that he's getting off on someone or something else.

Not mention he no longer talks about marriage either. He says he wants to be with me and sees a future with me, but I'm not seeing it at all in his actions and suddenly he forgets what to say to turn me on. He never surprises me with anything. It takes everything in him just to give me a massage or something. He has gotten me so trained to not ask him for any intimacy during the week because he's too tired, and yet half the time, he still won't initiate on the weekends either.

Please help me. I don't know what to do. What have I done wrong?

I bought the "anxiety medication" reason, until I got to the masturbation part. If he masturbates frequently, he may well have desensitized himself to actual sex with a woman. Is he using porn?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2018, 12:21 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,611,073 times
Reputation: 54727
Quote:
Originally Posted by lionness91 View Post
Thank you for your response.

The reason I believed him about the whole marriage thing was because I had checked out his Facebook. I know that sounds ridiculous but people can really show their true colors on social media. And post after post was how he wanted committment. That he was tired of being hurt by women and that he was a good guy. That he just wanted someone to trust and to be loyal. And these were posts way before I came along so I know it's not just a show.
Wait...so this grown man is publicly posting lovesick, self-pitying pleas for attention on social media like a preteen girl?

And that didn't make you flee in horror?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-23-2018, 12:42 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,066 posts, read 107,036,480 times
Reputation: 115868
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Wait...so this grown man is publicly posting lovesick, self-pitying pleas for attention on social media like a preteen girl?

And that didn't make you flee in horror?
Not only this, but OP, you say he's 22, but he was posing like this "way before" you came along. So, he's been posting like this for years? Since he was a teen, maybe in his late teens? This only increases the impression that he has a lot of growing up to do. He's still in teen angst mode, and doesn't really know what to do with a steady girlfriend, now that he has one. Shouldn't you be dating 30-year-olds, or at least people your own age?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top