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Old 11-04-2018, 06:11 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,761,388 times
Reputation: 98359

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Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln View Post

I will contact him later this month.
Why???

That’s a terrible idea.
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Old 11-04-2018, 06:50 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in Europe
192 posts, read 109,558 times
Reputation: 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Why???

That’s a terrible idea.
Yes I have to because I mentioned in my original post that I still have some things in his place and I have to get them back (
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Old 11-04-2018, 07:09 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in Europe
192 posts, read 109,558 times
Reputation: 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by athena53 View Post
No. Do NOT contact him. He sounds like my Ex and I still have nightmares about him when I'm stressed even though we divorced 21 years ago and he died 8 years ago (of alcohol abuse). If you're turning someone's inability to control his temper into YOUR problem (it's called "walking on eggshells" so you don't trigger his anger) that's a huge red flag.
I know I shouldn't contact him. But I left some things in his place (I wouldn't care if it's just something not important but there's a stuff i must take it back)

No no I don't think he would really do something to me, he would perhaps just act really cold and fake or say something ironic, that's all. When I'm saying sometimes his impatience scares me, it's because I would suddenly feel like I don't know him anymore.

My ex was also an alcoholic so I understand you!
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Old 11-04-2018, 08:21 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,761,388 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln View Post
Yes I have to because I mentioned in my original post that I still have some things in his place and I have to get them back (
You can get a friend to get them for you. Or have him ship it to you.
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Old 11-04-2018, 09:17 AM
 
Location: SoCal
14,530 posts, read 20,056,677 times
Reputation: 10539
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln View Post
Yes! He was super charming and nice and everything at first when we met. Everyone loved him. They all wanted to have his attention. He told me that he knew he could be a very successful man in the future but right now he just wanted to keep a low profile for awhile because he had been bullied during the high school since he was the best student.

I will try my best to stay away from him.
Your comment "super charming and nice and everything at first when we met" fits well with my suspicion narcissism may be his problem. Again, this can only be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist, but it fits well with what I learned in my Psychology minor in college, and fits well with what I've learned since college.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln View Post
when I was with him, he had the control over everything. I was always very careful and afraid that he would get mad or something...not that he got angry that easily but when he lost his patience, he looked scary.
This fits well with my suspicion of narcissism. I'll take a shot at explaining: with narcissism that person regards everything in life is about them, other people are just objects to manipulate to get what they want. If a narcissist was in a movie, they would be the star of their movie and everybody else would be bit players, listed in the credits as "also appearing."

Narcissists are extremely good at manipulating people. Manipulation is another word for control. Narcissists control people around them to get what they want. They care little about what benefit others get, it's all about them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln View Post
I would stop seeing guys for a while I think, I don't really trust my own judgment fo men right now...how could I be fooled by him(and still am)
No, don't do that. Just be more careful in the future. There's an old Western saying, if you fall off a horse the first thing you do is get back on!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln View Post
yes...like I said, this Mr.Perfect image has been existing in my head for a long time...I know I have to change that, but it is hard.
News flash! None of us are perfect. If we were all perfect it would be boring, we'd be clones. We wouldn't even need names. What you want is a person who is essentially good and problem free, and with minor problems you can deal with. Many people have problems they have learned to compensate for. One bug doesn't spoil a whole sandwich. (But half a bug will, LOL!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln View Post
I will contact him later this month.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln View Post
Yes I have to because I mentioned in my original post that I still have some things in his place and I have to get them back
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
You can get a friend to get them for you. Or have him ship it to you.
Birdie has a good idea.

Lostlincoln, many people have problems being attracted to the wrong type. You just have to learn to identify what is the wrong type for you, and get control over your impulsive behavior. If you think he will succeed in taking you over again, avoid contact. You might consider taking a friend with you if you do go in person.
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Old 11-04-2018, 10:22 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,612,234 times
Reputation: 12523
Ffs. You need help getting over a controlling ass who is a cheater and just uses others, because he is cute? Sure, allow me: this guy is a controlling, cheating ass who uses others. Good riddance.
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Old 11-04-2018, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
18,762 posts, read 11,757,490 times
Reputation: 64149
I think you're confusing chemistry with love. What you're describing is a strong physical attraction. By your own admission he is not a good person. If he is indeed involved in a complicated relationship and slipping around behind her back, is that something you would value in a relationship?

We can't help who we are attracted to. It just happens. We can however help what we do with that highly charged emotion. You seem to have some self control and self respect. Good for you. You know in your heart what the right decision is with this guy. Your conflict comes with that oh so intoxicating and irresistible chemical reaction you have for him. That is not love, that is lust. There's nothing wrong with it until you blur the lines and confuse one for the other.
I had a boyfriend like that when I was in my middle 20's. I was very much attracted to him and we were together for a few months. I thought I loved him but I discovered that I really didn't like him much as a person. I went to a party and he was there with someone else. It ended for me right then and there. I was heartbroken, but it turned out for the best.
I met my husband John a few months later. The chemistry between us was off the charts, only I knew I would marry him on our first date. It wasn't anything I had ever experienced with anyone else ever in my lifetime. We were married eight months after we met and that was thirty three years ago.

My ex boyfriend got wind of my new relationship and tried to get me back. I just laughed and said no way, sorry. You see my John was a good person with a selfless, steady personality. I knew we would have a great life together, and we have.
Yes the chemistry was important, but it's not everything. You need the whole package. Follow your instincts and not your emotion in this case. Half of the package is only second best.
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Old 11-04-2018, 12:25 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in Europe
192 posts, read 109,558 times
Reputation: 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
You're right. You hopefully won't meet someone like this in the future. You'll meet someone better.

As good as he looked "on paper," it's an illusion. He's not who he appears to be to the outside world. He's a control freak and not kind. He sounds like a bit of a narcissist. He also apparently is willing to cheat in a relationship.

Consider yourself lucky that you realized what kind of person he is after ONLY a few months.
Yes, I am lucky... He admitted to me that he has a hard character and that drove his previous gfs away. He seems doesn't really care though, like I said, he could be quite cold-hearted sometimes. I have been quite rational after breaking up with my ex (I just dont want to waste another 6 years), however I was totally off my guard when I met this guy...guess I just learned another lesson. I still need time to get over him though, don't know how long it would take!
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Old 11-04-2018, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in Europe
192 posts, read 109,558 times
Reputation: 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
You can get a friend to get them for you. Or have him ship it to you.
I am still thinking about what to do...I prefer to tell him to ship it to me.n Thank you Birdiebelle.
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Old 11-04-2018, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in Europe
192 posts, read 109,558 times
Reputation: 143
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovehound View Post
Your comment "super charming and nice and everything at first when we met" fits well with my suspicion narcissism may be his problem. Again, this can only be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist, but it fits well with what I learned in my Psychology minor in college, and fits well with what I've learned since college.

This fits well with my suspicion of narcissism. I'll take a shot at explaining: with narcissism that person regards everything in life is about them, other people are just objects to manipulate to get what they want. If a narcissist was in a movie, they would be the star of their movie and everybody else would be bit players, listed in the credits as "also appearing."

Narcissists are extremely good at manipulating people. Manipulation is another word for control. Narcissists control people around them to get what they want. They care little about what benefit others get, it's all about them.

No, don't do that. Just be more careful in the future. There's an old Western saying, if you fall off a horse the first thing you do is get back on!

News flash! None of us are perfect. If we were all perfect it would be boring, we'd be clones. We wouldn't even need names. What you want is a person who is essentially good and problem free, and with minor problems you can deal with. Many people have problems they have learned to compensate for. One bug doesn't spoil a whole sandwich. (But half a bug will, LOL!)

Birdie has a good idea.

Lostlincoln, many people have problems being attracted to the wrong type. You just have to learn to identify what is the wrong type for you, and get control over your impulsive behavior. If you think he will succeed in taking you over again, avoid contact. You might consider taking a friend with you if you do go in person.
Thank you for your reply Lovehound, I feel better when I was reading it. I would go for your theory since you're professional when it comes to mental disorder...sometimes I secretly guess the bullying thing happened in his high school influenced him a lot. Oh and, he had been staying in Asia for a long time and he is also very good at getting along with Asian girls, I know he was quite popular there, guess that is one of the causes of his narcissism.

When you said it's all about him...you are right. Last time we entered a restaurant and he found that his favorite dish was sold out...so he wanted to leave immediately. When we were together, he liked sharing his opinions and most of the time he was the one who talked a lot, of course, he asked things about me, too, but sometimes I felt that he didn't really pay attention on what I was talking. Oh except one thing. He liked talking about sex and relationship, he asked me details about the sex life with my ex and seemed quite interested in this topic.

There are some other guys asking me out now, I refused them because I could not stop comparing them with this guy....*sign I should say yes next time no matter what!n After all, like you said, he is just a bug

Yes, even though I appear to be rational here but it doesn't mean I could behave the same when I am with him. He has that kind of power over me...but I am sure during this one month he had found another prey so I shouldn't be worried too much.
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