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Old 11-05-2018, 07:24 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
1 posts, read 1,008 times
Reputation: 11

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I've been married for close to 30 years to a really good guy. Overall, I would say our marriage has been a happy one. We are very compatible, we rarely argue or fight. Our values align, we are respectful to each other, we give each other space and yet we do things together too. Our marriage is egalitarian and there's no hostility over household chores, finances or kids (we don't have kids). We treat each other well and we consider each other our best friend.

The problem is there really isn't any romantic chemistry and hasn't been for many years. We both find each other physically attractive, but we don't feel drawn to each other sexually or romantically anymore and haven't for a long time. We have sex only about once a month and it feels transactional, not sensual. If I am to be honest, sex has always been the weak link in our relationship. The chemistry just is lacking in that area and pretty much always has been. I don't even really enjoy kissing my husband. I've never really liked the way he kisses. I feel terrible saying this, but it's true.

For many years I just accepted this as the one down side in an otherwise great relationship but I have come to a point where I am starting to feel that I want more. What really woke me up is that I fell in love with another man and had an emotional affair with him. It never got physical but he stirred a lot of feelings up in me that I haven't had in a long time...feelings of passion and romantic feelings that I realize I want again in my life.

This emotional affair made me realize what my marriage is missing and that I want a passionate relationship again.

Is my marriage over? Would you stay married to someone you didn't feel romantic or sexual toward?
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,619,721 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandcastle22 View Post
I've been married for close to 30 years to a really good guy. Overall, I would say our marriage has been a happy one. We are very compatible, we rarely argue or fight. Our values align, we are respectful to each other, we give each other space and yet we do things together too. Our marriage is egalitarian and there's no hostility over household chores, finances or kids (we don't have kids). We treat each other well and we consider each other our best friend.

The problem is there really isn't any romantic chemistry and hasn't been for many years. We both find each other physically attractive, but we don't feel drawn to each other sexually or romantically anymore and haven't for a long time. We have sex only about once a month and it feels transactional, not sensual. If I am to be honest, sex has always been the weak link in our relationship. The chemistry just is lacking in that area and pretty much always has been. I don't even really enjoy kissing my husband. I've never really liked the way he kisses. I feel terrible saying this, but it's true.

For many years I just accepted this as the one down side in an otherwise great relationship but I have come to a point where I am starting to feel that I want more. What really woke me up is that I fell in love with another man and had an emotional affair with him. It never got physical but he stirred a lot of feelings up in me that I haven't had in a long time...feelings of passion and romantic feelings that I realize I want again in my life.

This emotional affair made me realize what my marriage is missing and that I want a passionate relationship again.

Is my marriage over? Would you stay married to someone you didn't feel romantic or sexual toward?
I didn't.

Sounds like you are roommates. Your marriage has been over for a long time, at least the way you typically thought of marriage.

There are people who marry FOR the companionship and security you describe here, and they enjoy that life. The problem is that you got a taste of what you gave up, and now you KNOW you're unhappy.

What do you WANT, and what has to happen for you to get it?
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:36 PM
 
4,985 posts, read 3,922,695 times
Reputation: 10145
"Is my marriage over?"
no.
it is over when it is legally over.

"Would you stay married to someone you didn't feel romantic or sexual toward?'
sure.
depends upon how much money is involved.
yes, i have stayed in awful jobs for the money.
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:41 PM
 
2,947 posts, read 1,341,976 times
Reputation: 3789
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandcastle22 View Post
I've been married for close to 30 years to a really good guy. Overall, I would say our marriage has been a happy one. We are very compatible, we rarely argue or fight. Our values align, we are respectful to each other, we give each other space and yet we do things together too. Our marriage is egalitarian and there's no hostility over household chores, finances or kids (we don't have kids). We treat each other well and we consider each other our best friend.

The problem is there really isn't any romantic chemistry and hasn't been for many years. We both find each other physically attractive, but we don't feel drawn to each other sexually or romantically anymore and haven't for a long time. We have sex only about once a month and it feels transactional, not sensual. If I am to be honest, sex has always been the weak link in our relationship. The chemistry just is lacking in that area and pretty much always has been. I don't even really enjoy kissing my husband. I've never really liked the way he kisses. I feel terrible saying this, but it's true.

For many years I just accepted this as the one down side in an otherwise great relationship but I have come to a point where I am starting to feel that I want more. What really woke me up is that I fell in love with another man and had an emotional affair with him. It never got physical but he stirred a lot of feelings up in me that I haven't had in a long time...feelings of passion and romantic feelings that I realize I want again in my life.

This emotional affair made me realize what my marriage is missing and that I want a passionate relationship again.

Is my marriage over? Would you stay married to someone you didn't feel romantic or sexual toward?
I felt sad for you and was supportive until I got to the part where you said you have been unfaithful to your husband. Then, you completely lost me.


You ask, "Is my marriage over." Likely, yes because you cheated and killed it. So, the lack of intimacy that has gone on for years and years, was tolerable until you met another man, and, and now, it's not. Translated: I stayed with my husband because he was convenient to and for me. Now, I wanta dump him cuz he's not. WOW! I feel so very sorry for your husband.


Please tell your husband the truth and set him free. He deserves a woman who is faithful to him. That is not you.
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:50 PM
 
1,569 posts, read 1,002,564 times
Reputation: 3666
Why can't you guys plan a romantic dinner and a movie at your home with lite candles?What about going for a walk in the park before it starts getting cold?There are lots of little romantic things that you guys can plan.It's not hard to do....but both need to want to do it.
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:59 PM
 
553 posts, read 300,185 times
Reputation: 781
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandcastle22 View Post
I've been married for close to 30 years to a really good guy. Overall, I would say our marriage has been a happy one. We are very compatible, we rarely argue or fight. Our values align, we are respectful to each other, we give each other space and yet we do things together too. Our marriage is egalitarian and there's no hostility over household chores, finances or kids (we don't have kids). We treat each other well and we consider each other our best friend.

The problem is there really isn't any romantic chemistry and hasn't been for many years. We both find each other physically attractive, but we don't feel drawn to each other sexually or romantically anymore and haven't for a long time. We have sex only about once a month and it feels transactional, not sensual. If I am to be honest, sex has always been the weak link in our relationship. The chemistry just is lacking in that area and pretty much always has been. I don't even really enjoy kissing my husband. I've never really liked the way he kisses. I feel terrible saying this, but it's true.

For many years I just accepted this as the one down side in an otherwise great relationship but I have come to a point where I am starting to feel that I want more. What really woke me up is that I fell in love with another man and had an emotional affair with him. It never got physical but he stirred a lot of feelings up in me that I haven't had in a long time...feelings of passion and romantic feelings that I realize I want again in my life.

This emotional affair made me realize what my marriage is missing and that I want a passionate relationship again.

Is my marriage over? Would you stay married to someone you didn't feel romantic or sexual toward?
I bet you if you were to leave you'd be equally unhappy.

30 yrs of marriage, and you said nothing really changed. You said sex was always the weak link, and the chemistry was always lacking. But yet you stayed with him for 30 yrs.

You may find a man you have good chemistry with, but lacking in other areas, and overall you may be more unhappy with him and miss the life you had with your husband.

Only you can know whats best for you.

How did you get to the point where you fell in love with another man? Did you flirt with him? Did he call you? Did you meet with him alone?

You husband needs to know this. And you two need to figure out what's best for you.
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Old 11-05-2018, 08:02 PM
 
Location: Honolulu, HI
24,293 posts, read 9,179,207 times
Reputation: 22665
You've been married for 30 years so I assume you're atleast in your 50s. Honestly, you had a good run. Sometimes folks grow apart or change after 30 years.

If after 30 years of marriage you guys can't communicate about something as important as sex, then it might be time to separate for a while and see what you guys both really want
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Old 11-05-2018, 08:03 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,370 posts, read 24,340,321 times
Reputation: 17376
Is it really worth it? You’re in your fifties and you suddenly have the hots for someone other than your husband?

Are you planning to run off with this guy you’ve been involved with? How do you know it’s going to work? Relationships based on affairs often burn out soon after the forbidden fruit becomes a rudderless, needy lover with health issues and hair in all the wrong places.

You’re in for a rude awakening.
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Old 11-05-2018, 09:51 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
197 posts, read 230,563 times
Reputation: 416
How about trying to change things some. Take the lead and be adventurous you have nothing to lose. At least you can say you tried.
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Old 11-06-2018, 12:53 AM
 
Location: The house I built
574 posts, read 374,138 times
Reputation: 1306
Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl View Post
Why can't you guys plan a romantic dinner and a movie at your home with lite candles?What about going for a walk in the park before it starts getting cold?There are lots of little romantic things that you guys can plan.It's not hard to do....but both need to want to do it.

We used to drop the kids with grandma and take an occasional weekend at the coast together. Just the two of us. Anything with just the two of you and away from everyday life distractions.



Both of you have to make the effort if you want to save this.
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