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Old 11-29-2018, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,779,936 times
Reputation: 6561

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
Honestly, you sound lukewarm about her, and if she's picking up on that - and she probably is - then it's not surprising she doesn't want to uproot herself for you.

She may also be having her doubts about you being the one. That's another possibility.

If she were gung-ho I think she'd be making this happen.

FWIW.

It honestly seems very irresponsible to expect someone you're iffy about to uproot her entire life and move to you, so that you can then decide whether you feel like ditching her or not. She's a smart cookie to stay where she is.
Well of course you would say that. She asked me about marriage last night, so she's not having doubts. You may be right about her picking up on my hesitation, but I'm cautious by nature, and there's still things I need to know about her before taking the next step. She's had a rough couple of years, which have nothing to do with me, but I need to see how stable (for lack of a better word) she is.

Really, she can live anywhere and she'd have better business opportunities here. She's ready to move, so she'd be ok regardless. We need to live in the same city to really move forward.
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Old 11-29-2018, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,779,936 times
Reputation: 6561
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
I have a buddy who just got married a week ago and his now wife moved to live with him after 3 months. They did know each other in the past though and stayed in touch here and there throughout the years. Things just lined up to where they could try dating and they really enjoyed each others company, but the drive was taxing. So she moved 2.5 hours from home and sold her house too. She's over the moon happy, since she married the guy she knew she wanted to marry when she packed up and moved 28 months ago or so.


I'm not the biggest fan of moving fast, but I'm also overly cautious, due to bad marital experiences in all my immediate family. However, I do like seeing happy endings where people married someone they truly love and seem really happy. My friend is a totally different person with Holly in his life than when he was single. They both make each other not only happier, but better people.
That is such a great story! I'm cautious like you for the same reasons you are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
I agree with you JerZ. It's a tough call for someone you barely even know. For some people it works, but for some people it doesn't. It depends on what kind of risk that person is willing to take.
Well, it will be a year in January, so we don't barely know each other. But like I said in a previous post, she has some issues she's working through. It's been a volatile relationship, and I don't like volatility.
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Old 11-29-2018, 04:41 PM
 
4,828 posts, read 4,271,640 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
That is such a great story! I'm cautious like you for the same reasons you are.



Well, it will be a year in January, so we don't barely know each other. But like I said in a previous post, she has some issues she's working through. It's been a volatile relationship, and I don't like volatility.
Here's a thought and bare with me. I haven't had an easy going relationship since my very first love. I've dated a few women since we broke up and they all had growing pains of some sort. I think it's just people growing up and trying to keep up and move with the flow of life. I don't know the issues that your girlfriend is going through, but if she appears to be handling the ebbs of flows of life accordingly, maybe don't be so cautious. You've been together for a year, so it's not exactly a 3 month flash in the pan. You're at that stage where you're looking what's the next step in your relationship and you have both realized that long distance is not the next step. Granted, moving closer will bring its own difficulties as well, because the entirety of your relationship has been pockets of time that have been planned a few days to maybe even a few weeks in advance. We're constantly adjusting to life and if you feel she has potential, see where it can go.

At the same time, if you're still hesitant, you need to make a decision on that pronto, because that's only causing you both grief. You know all of this, but sometimes it may help hearing it from someone totally unrelated to your situation. I've drug my feet on dead relationships, but they were like 3 months total. The flowers were already wilting.
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Old 11-29-2018, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,779,936 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
Here's a thought and bare with me. I haven't had an easy going relationship since my very first love. I've dated a few women since we broke up and they all had growing pains of some sort. I think it's just people growing up and trying to keep up and move with the flow of life. I don't know the issues that your girlfriend is going through, but if she appears to be handling the ebbs of flows of life accordingly, maybe don't be so cautious. You've been together for a year, so it's not exactly a 3 month flash in the pan. You're at that stage where you're looking what's the next step in your relationship and you have both realized that long distance is not the next step. Granted, moving closer will bring its own difficulties as well, because the entirety of your relationship has been pockets of time that have been planned a few days to maybe even a few weeks in advance. We're constantly adjusting to life and if you feel she has potential, see where it can go.

At the same time, if you're still hesitant, you need to make a decision on that pronto, because that's only causing you both grief. You know all of this, but sometimes it may help hearing it from someone totally unrelated to your situation. I've drug my feet on dead relationships, but they were like 3 months total. The flowers were already wilting.
Oh I know, and at my age (which JerZ loves to point out) I can't waste time. It would have been easier to make a decision faster if we were both in the same city. But you're absolutely right, I gotta make it fast at this point. I told myself I would need a year to get to know someone and decide on marriage (vs 4 years in my 20's because heck, you have all the time in the world then, right?). So yeah, there's a sense of urgency and at the same time I don't want to rush it without feeling certain.
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Old 11-29-2018, 06:10 PM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,606,283 times
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I can't do long-distance. I just can't. My ex-bf wants to move to my state to be with me but I don't have the patience for the amount of time that will take (a year+?), not to mention the confidence that the relationship will even work after such a move. So my only choice is to tell him I don't want to do it and not to bother. He will be crushed.

Last edited by srjth; 11-29-2018 at 06:44 PM..
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Old 11-29-2018, 10:03 PM
 
4,828 posts, read 4,271,640 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
I can't do long-distance. I just can't. My ex-bf wants to move to my state to be with me but I don't have the patience for the amount of time that will take (a year+?), not to mention the confidence that the relationship will even work after such a move. So my only choice is to tell him I don't want to do it and not to bother. He will be crushed.
Every time I've done it, it's failed. And it didn't even fail because of me most of the time. For me, long-distance has really depended on where two people live. The last woman I dated long distance lived in a really up and coming area. Tons of things to do, so I'd go there to do events, and she'd come here to just chill and relax. My town has events and such, but not to the level of her area. However, the distance ended up being a killer, because even trying to eat lunch was a 2 hour drive round trip for someone, every. single. time. It's hard to work around that and we both have careers that kinda have us rooted in our area. I could have relocated to her area, but my position isn't easily transferrable, but could likely make something happen due to my tenure.
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Old 11-30-2018, 07:22 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,779,936 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84 View Post
Every time I've done it, it's failed. And it didn't even fail because of me most of the time. For me, long-distance has really depended on where two people live. The last woman I dated long distance lived in a really up and coming area. Tons of things to do, so I'd go there to do events, and she'd come here to just chill and relax. My town has events and such, but not to the level of her area. However, the distance ended up being a killer, because even trying to eat lunch was a 2 hour drive round trip for someone, every. single. time. It's hard to work around that and we both have careers that kinda have us rooted in our area. I could have relocated to her area, but my position isn't easily transferrable, but could likely make something happen due to my tenure.
Here's another thought. Distance can work if you both live in undesirable areas with a lack of choices. Can't believe I'm going to say this, but where she lives is even worse with population of 80,000. So because we met online and there's not much to choose from where we each live, we're willing to work harder at it. Sure enough 10 months in, still making the effort. 2 hour round trip is nothing in my mind. I'm doing 6 hours.
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Old 11-30-2018, 08:12 AM
 
Location: In the outlet by the lightswitch
2,306 posts, read 1,696,610 times
Reputation: 4261
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
Here's another thought. Distance can work if you both live in undesirable areas with a lack of choices. Can't believe I'm going to say this, but where she lives is even worse with population of 80,000. So because we met online and there's not much to choose from where we each live, we're willing to work harder at it. Sure enough 10 months in, still making the effort. 2 hour round trip is nothing in my mind. I'm doing 6 hours.

Distance can also work depending on what type of relationship you want. It sounds like a lot in this thread are looking towards spending a lot of time together, leading to marriage. I don't want that. Luckily, neither does my SO. We live a good hour and half drive apart, one way. We see each other maybe twice a week, but talk most days on the phone. We spend long holidays together and vacations too. It's perfect for both of us because that's all we really want and neither of us wants to get married. It's like having the best of both worlds, the freedom of being single with the comfort of having a committed relationship too.



Neither of us could be spontaneous and suddenly have lunch together on a week day anyway. Even if we lived close together. Where we are in our careers doesn't lend itself to having a predictable 9-5 schedule with lunch break.



It wouldn't hurt for us to live closer together and we've talked about it (although it would involve one of us selling a house or maybe renting out a house). But the distance is a minor thing.



Oh, and I meant to tell you Altguy, there are still some setups going on. My brother and his wife were setup by my mom and a coworker of hers (the coworker was a friend of my sister-in-law). So it can happen still. But it's a lot more rare I think. And I think it only worked for my brother because both he and his wife are very introverted. They were both having a hard time meeting anyone. If they met organically and weren't put together on a foursome lunch "date" to meet 12 years ago with two people egging them on to talk, I think they would have just sat across the room from each other quietly reading books, haha.
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Old 11-30-2018, 10:09 AM
 
4,828 posts, read 4,271,640 times
Reputation: 4766
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
Here's another thought. Distance can work if you both live in undesirable areas with a lack of choices. Can't believe I'm going to say this, but where she lives is even worse with population of 80,000. So because we met online and there's not much to choose from where we each live, we're willing to work harder at it. Sure enough 10 months in, still making the effort. 2 hour round trip is nothing in my mind. I'm doing 6 hours.


I don't know Atl. I live about 90 minutes from Tulsa, OK and I get a good amount of matches in Tulsa. I honestly don't think OKC would be any different for me. I run into the same problem though, which is the distance. Most of the women I connect with either have careers that they've grown in that area or they have kids and can't relocate, due to their divorce decree. Also, the dad remains a figure in the kids lives. No surprise, distance matters quite a bit for most people, even if marriage isn't the first thing on your mind. I had 3 different women who told me that just trying to coordinate a first meeting was a bit of a turnoff. I had a couple of weekends booked and just had pockets of time or I had a weekend open and they were booked. They all mentioned that scheduling somewhat killed the connection for them. We lost the ability to be able to meet for breakfast, lunch, or dinner because they're either working or they have kids to take care of in the evenings.


It's a struggle to coordinate a date even if you live a few miles apart. This has been my experience. YMMV.
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Old 11-30-2018, 10:20 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
5,353 posts, read 5,779,936 times
Reputation: 6561
Quote:
Originally Posted by TMBGBlueCanary View Post
Distance can also work depending on what type of relationship you want. It sounds like a lot in this thread are looking towards spending a lot of time together, leading to marriage. I don't want that. Luckily, neither does my SO. We live a good hour and half drive apart, one way. We see each other maybe twice a week, but talk most days on the phone. We spend long holidays together and vacations too. It's perfect for both of us because that's all we really want and neither of us wants to get married. It's like having the best of both worlds, the freedom of being single with the comfort of having a committed relationship too.



Neither of us could be spontaneous and suddenly have lunch together on a week day anyway. Even if we lived close together. Where we are in our careers doesn't lend itself to having a predictable 9-5 schedule with lunch break.



It wouldn't hurt for us to live closer together and we've talked about it (although it would involve one of us selling a house or maybe renting out a house). But the distance is a minor thing.



Oh, and I meant to tell you Altguy, there are still some setups going on. My brother and his wife were setup by my mom and a coworker of hers (the coworker was a friend of my sister-in-law). So it can happen still. But it's a lot more rare I think. And I think it only worked for my brother because both he and his wife are very introverted. They were both having a hard time meeting anyone. If they met organically and weren't put together on a foursome lunch "date" to meet 12 years ago with two people egging them on to talk, I think they would have just sat across the room from each other quietly reading books, haha.
Yeah, introversion is my issue as well. I gravitate towards extroverted women though. I think its because it takes the pressure off me to always initiate social events or even conversations in general. I have become slightly more outgoing over the years, but I won't approach strangers, thats for sure. Therefore, I wouldn't meet women in a bar or even at church (the preferred method here I guess). You're right, I'm looking for marriage, but if I didn't still want kids I might not be.
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