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The only part of this that I take some issue with is that I think you need to not hit the ball back into her own court.
The whole "if she does this, then that, if she does that, then this" thinking...it's drawing out a thing. And it's coming down to the not wanting to let go, also.
This is difficult for me to adequately explain.
<I previously included a reiteration of a personal anecdote...then realized it's irrelevant actually. Deleted that bit.>
I believe that continuing to spend time with her and put energy into nurturing a bond with her, even if you are telling yourself it is friendship and nothing more, is not healthy for you. I'm not sure you're capable of keeping your emotional boundaries solid in the way that a friend can usually do with a friend. And I think that if she wants to yank you around, you're going to keep letting her. Until you finally STOP. Fully stop. Stop with all the pretense, with going along with what she wants of you, all of it. The whole "if she won't stop talking about her partner, then I'll know, and..." That is the language of an addict who is fooling himself into thinking he's quitting, but he's playing a game in his head and not really quitting. It is the addictive part of your bond with her, that you need to resolve.
.... none of which is how actual friends behave. This ^^^ is how spurned lovers behave.
Didn’t you tell me that you agree it would be disrespectful of my feelings if she mentioned him in front of me?
I don’t think telling her I need some distance and am not ready to see her with another guy right now is so awful I’m just being honest with her instead of just being distant and not telling her why.
The only part of this that I take some issue with is that I think you need to not hit the ball back into her own court.
The whole "if she does this, then that, if she does that, then this" thinking...it's drawing out a thing. And it's coming down to the not wanting to let go, also.
This is difficult for me to adequately explain.
<I previously included a reiteration of a personal anecdote...then realized it's irrelevant actually. Deleted that bit.>
I believe that continuing to spend time with her and put energy into nurturing a bond with her, even if you are telling yourself it is friendship and nothing more, is not healthy for you. I'm not sure you're capable of keeping your emotional boundaries solid in the way that a friend can usually do with a friend. And I think that if she wants to yank you around, you're going to keep letting her. Until you finally STOP. Fully stop. Stop with all the pretense, with going along with what she wants of you, all of it. The whole "if she won't stop talking about her partner, then I'll know, and..." That is the language of an addict who is fooling himself into thinking he's quitting, but he's playing a game in his head and not really quitting. It is the addictive part of your bond with her, that you need to resolve.
I fully admitted I’m not completely over the situation..I know seeing her probably isn’t the greatest idea but I can’t go cold turkey yet lol..
My point is I just would hope she would have the decency not to rub this dude in my face.. I also hope I don’t get hostile at all..I would never say anything horrible but I could see myself making a few sarcastic comments if she mentioned this guy..
Obviously aside from the being sad part because of my romantic feelings for her I definitely have a little resentment somewhere in my brain like why am I not good enough for you but this guy is is type thing..
I have to let go of that burden of thinking she rejected me and thinks I’m not good enough for her thought out of my head.. I know that’s just ego talking but I’m human..
Didn’t you tell me that you agree it would be disrespectful of my feelings if she mentioned him in front of me?
Yes, because I was hoping you would realize that her using you as a sounding board for her continually changing relationship news is not friend behavior when she KNOWS how you feel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980
I don’t think telling her I need some distance and am not ready to see her with another guy right now is so awful I’m just being honest with her instead of just being distant and not telling her why.
Communication is important in friendship as well
... when friendship is what you actually have, it is, yes.
Understanding and awareness are important for personal well being, too. And you lack both.
She's not being a friend to you because she refuses to respect your feelings by altering her behavior towards you. If she were a decent person, SHE would have withdrawn when you admitted your feelings. But we both know she's a black hole of attention neediness.
And you still insist on pretending you have friendship, when it's impossible for you to be a friend to her.
You can't be a friend because you will always hope and wonder if you two could finally end up together one day, when the time is right. But holding on to it stops you from being fully interested in other people.
You'll also never be a true friend to her because part of you will always be a little selfish about her. You’ll never completely like the person she's dating or be as supportive as you should be if she's going through a break up because part of you will be happy that it's happening.
You’ll always treat her someone you wish you were dating. You’ll cancel plans if she wants to meet up, you’ll make it a point to look extra good that day and you’ll always prioritize her over your other ‘friends.’ You’ll always be a ‘threat’ to the person she's dating because they can also tell that you want more, that you know too much or maybe you try too hard and so you’ll always be the least favorite friend.
You’ll always overthink things, too, or read too much into her actions. You'll wonder if she was flirting more today or if she looked at you a little differently? You will magnify every little action because you want to believe that you both feel the same way about each other.
You’ll seriously never move on if you’re still pretending to be friends. It’s not going to change overnight, and you’re only making it harder on yourself to move on the longer you pretend that you're friends.
I honestly don't know how to make it more clear than this, JBT.
Yes, because I was hoping you would realize that her using you as a sounding board for her continually changing relationship news is not friend behavior when she KNOWS how you feel.
... when friendship is what you actually have, it is, yes.
Understanding and awareness are important for personal well being, too. And you lack both.
She's not being a friend to you because she refuses to respect your feelings by altering her behavior towards you. If she were a decent person, SHE would have withdrawn when you admitted your feelings. But we both know she's a black hole of attention neediness.
And you still insist on pretending you have friendship, when it's impossible for you to be a friend to her.
You can't be a friend because you will always hope and wonder if you two could finally end up together one day, when the time is right. But holding on to it stops you from being fully interested in other people.
You'll also never be a true friend to her because part of you will always be a little selfish about her. You’ll never completely like the person she's dating or be as supportive as you should be if she's going through a break up because part of you will be happy that it's happening.
You’ll always treat her someone you wish you were dating. You’ll cancel plans if she wants to meet up, you’ll make it a point to look extra good that day and you’ll always prioritize her over your other ‘friends.’ You’ll always be a ‘threat’ to the person she's dating because they can also tell that you want more, that you know too much or maybe you try too hard and so you’ll always be the least favorite friend.
You’ll always overthink things, too, or read too much into her actions. You'll wonder if she was flirting more today or if she looked at you a little differently? You will magnify every little action because you want to believe that you both feel the same way about each other.
You’ll seriously never move on if you’re still pretending to be friends. It’s not going to change overnight, and you’re only making it harder on yourself to move on the longer you pretend that you're friends.
I honestly don't know how to make it more clear than this, JBT.
I can’t argue with that you’re right..
The idea that I’ll just be able to hangout with her one day like we used to where I viewed her more like a sister at this point I probably can never get back there again..
I fully admitted I’m not completely over the situation..I know seeing her probably isn’t the greatest idea but I can’t go cold turkey yet lol..
My point is I just would hope she would have the decency not to rub this dude in my face.. I also hope I don’t get hostile at all..I would never say anything horrible but I could see myself making a few sarcastic comments if she mentioned this guy..
Obviously aside from the being sad part because of my romantic feelings for her I definitely have a little resentment somewhere in my brain like why am I not good enough for you but this guy is is type thing..
I have to let go of that burden of thinking she rejected me and thinks I’m not good enough for her thought out of my head.. I know that’s just ego talking but I’m human..
That one of the major things you need to address within yourself. I don't see THAT much of a problem with keeping a little bit of contact with her, but you have to leave enough room to work on yourself. Yes, the best thing would be to go cold turkey, you need to do for lack of a better term for the moment, soul searching. I don't know how often you two hang out, but I don't get the impression that you two are attached to the hip.
If you only see her say once a week, then you can use that time between visits to find other things to work towards to be satisfied with. While meeting other women is considered one way to get over someone you couldn't have, it is not the right way because in many cases, the woman you meet is going to be a "rebound" (I know not actual rebound, but because of how you feel about your friend, the other woman may as well be a rebound). For one thing, if your lady friend finally decided that she wants to be with you for some reason, you may drop your current girl and go running back. That wouldn't be fair for the newer woman
Think about what you want out of life, why you want it, how it would feel etc. It can't be a loving relationship from your friend. It can be something intangible like validation which comes from within, not from any friend or what have you. Do the best to be secure and at peace in who you are. You'll eventually reach the point where you are actually glad your friend didn't choose you.
In other words, there are better and more fulfilling things in the world than relationships.
That one of the major things you need to address within yourself. I don't see THAT much of a problem with keeping a little bit of contact with her, but you have to leave enough room to work on yourself. Yes, the best thing would be to go cold turkey, you need to do for lack of a better term for the moment, soul searching. I don't know how often you two hang out, but I don't get the impression that you two are attached to the hip.
If you only see her say once a week, then you can use that time between visits to find other things to work towards to be satisfied with. While meeting other women is considered one way to get over someone you couldn't have, it is not the right way because in many cases, the woman you meet is going to be a "rebound" (I know not actual rebound, but because of how you feel about your friend, the other woman may as well be a rebound). For one thing, if your lady friend finally decided that she wants to be with you for some reason, you may drop your current girl and go running back. That wouldn't be fair for the newer woman
Think about what you want out of life, why you want it, how it would feel etc. It can't be a loving relationship from your friend. It can be something intangible like validation which comes from within, not from any friend or what have you. Do the best to be secure and at peace in who you are. You'll eventually reach the point where you are actually glad your friend didn't choose you.
In other words, there are better and more fulfilling things in the world than relationships.
I don’t see her all the time..Even at our peak we saw each other every few weeks..She has a kid and financial restraints so she didn’t go out a lot ..There were times I paid for her to come out because I knew she was tight with money because she was paying for her kids tutor for the sat’s or whatever it was at the time..Since I asked her out and she’s been seeing different guys it’s been about a month since I’ve seen her last.
You’re right I have to find peace whithin myself..it comes from whithin and I have to learn to not beat myself up so much and question why I’m not worth it when I shouldn’t look at it that way..
But in terms of when I said resentment I wasn’t really referring to my insecurities about not being good enough but it’s more of an ego thing of resentment like how am I not good enough for you but he is? Does he make you laugh like I do? Does he talk about the stuff we never talked about with anyone else but each other? Hold each other in our arms for an hour saying we don’t want to let go?
I know I have to let this bs go but it’s what goes through my mind when I think about it too much.
Even at our peak we saw each other every few weeks..She has a kid and financial restraints so she didn’t go out a lot ..There were times I paid for her to come out because I knew she was tight with money because she was paying for her kids tutor for the sat’s or whatever it was at the time..
You’re right I have to find peace whithin myself..it comes from whithin and I have to learn to not beat myself up so much and question why I’m not worth it when I shouldn’t look at it that way..
But in terms of when I said resentment I wasn’t really referring to my insecurities about not being good enough but it’s more of an ego thing of resentment like how am I not good enough for you but he is? Does he make you laugh like I do? Does he talk about the stuff we never talked about with anyone else but each other? Hold each other in our arms for an hour saying we don’t want to let go?
I know I have to let this bs go but it’s what goes through my head when I think about it too much.
It goes through a lot of guys heads from what I hear. Even I get a taste of that ego-sting after realizing what rejection really is. (Just not a match)
I wonder how often you guys communicate through other means (text social media). To me a few weeks is a lot of time to take to yourself and come to terms.
My friend and I communicated at least once a day and we saw each other about once a week. And yes, she has a child and is struggling financially.
I think that every few weeks can be more than enough space. Use that space to rethink everything. You can even read certain works at a bookstore about how to manage your perspective and such. A lot of good reads even in the, dare I mention it, self improvement category. If you have free time, you can either go to the library, go to the nearest bookstore, look up some books about personal development and personal growth. You can also look on the internet for tons of articles on...basically, how to change your perspective about yourself and your worth. Change how you perceive worth and what to judge your value by.
I did my homework. Admittedly, I still got a ways to go. My goal is to get to where I am at peace with myself.
One thing I've learned when I had my (emotional) struggles with my dating drought was that I had to think about the reasons I wanted a date/relationship/etc. I wanted that because I assessed my value through that. My (subconscious) belief was that I needed a girlfriend to be worth something. Putting the cart before the horse, but that was a long time ago, like about 10 or so years ago.
As cliche as this sounds, you are worthwhile without a relationship. You got to get yourself to that point. It is tricky, but doable.
It goes through a lot of guys heads from what I hear. Even I get a taste of that ego-sting after realizing what rejection really is. (Just not a match)
I wonder how often you guys communicate through other means (text social media). To me a few weeks is a lot of time to take to yourself and come to terms.
My friend and I communicated at least once a day and we saw each other about once a week. And yes, she has a child and is struggling financially.
I think that every few weeks can be more than enough space. Use that space to rethink everything. You can even read certain works at a bookstore about how to manage your perspective and such. A lot of good reads even in the, dare I mention it, self improvement category. If you have free time, you can either go to the library, go to the nearest bookstore, look up some books about personal development and personal growth. You can also look on the internet for tons of articles on...basically, how to change your perspective about yourself and your worth. Change how you perceive worth and what to judge your value by.
I did my homework. Admittedly, I still got a ways to go. My goal is to get to where I am at peace with myself.
One thing I've learned when I had my (emotional) struggles with my dating drought was that I had to think about the reasons I wanted a date/relationship/etc. I wanted that because I assessed my value through that. My (subconscious) belief was that I needed a girlfriend to be worth something. Putting the cart before the horse, but that was a long time ago, like about 10 or so years ago.
As cliche as this sounds, you are worthwhile without a relationship. You got to get yourself to that point. It is tricky, but doable.
The weird thing is if anything at least superficially anyway something like this should give me more confidence then anything else has.. a very attractive women who was sexually attracted to me and maybe if circumstances were different might have dated me but instead I feel even worse then before this happened lol.
As far as why I want a relationship it’s not about my value I genuinely want love.. I’m also an affectionate person and when we were affectionate with each other wheter hugging or cuddling I got addicted to that like a drug and want that type of feeling with a women again
The weird thing is if anything at least superficially anyway something like this should give me more confidence then anything else has.. a very attractive women who was sexually attracted to me and maybe if circumstances were different might have dated me but instead I feel even worse then before this happened lol.
As far as why I want a relationship it’s not about my value I genuinely want love.. I’m also an affectionate person and when we were affectionate with each other wheter hugging or cuddling I got addicted to that like a drug and want that type of feeling with a women again
I understand. I myself can be very affectionate.
But this is where time is going to have to be your best friend. This is also where you may have to come to terms and make peace with a sad fact.
Love is not guaranteed for everyone. I recognize that I myself may not find my true love. It's not being negative, it's being truthful. I mean I might find my true love, but the chances of me finding it are no higher than me not finding it.
I want to say hold onto the memory and be grateful for the experience, but the thought about it can only cause more pain for you because of how things turned out.
I guess...find things to be thankful for. Otherwise, you are going to just have to let time heal. Meanwhile put your focus on something else. Allow yourself time to grieve as well. You need to let it bleed out before you can heal.
One thing I do is think about the worst case scenario and how I can recover from it. I don't know if that is a good thing. However, you don't want to expect your friend to "come around", that will just set you up for more heartbreak.
Just think about what you can to do to heal from this and move forward. Some intense and serious soul searching is crucial...
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