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Someone in another thread said "It is very possible to like somebody but not have the experience or know how to show it." Got me thinking, I don't have much in my behavior range between "I like engaging with you as a social contact" and "Want to go out some time?" Is it all considered flirting? Is it acceptable to flirt with someone I'm not getting signs of interest from? What are some things I can do?
This question may seem unrelated, but bear with me...
Re: Reason for wanting a relationship, here’s a philosophical question for you: Is it emotionally healthy to want a relationship without wanting a specific someone to have a relationship with? Should you meet someone and then want a relationship with them, or want a relationship with someone you haven’t met yet?
For myself it’s a number of factors, starting with the bluntly biological.
-Strong desire to mate
-Desire for companionship, especially in the wake of friends marrying (less time for social occasions)
-Desire for a family
-Desire for a kindred understanding spirit to travel with
-Attraction to specific individuals
Re: Relationships not special. Two thoughts: That’s easy for someone who has had relationships before to say, and it’s possibly cynical. Do you mean all relationships, including the good ones? If so I think that’s very cynical. Seeing two people who care about each other is beautiful. I enjoy seeing beauty in the world, regardless of how commonplace it may be.
Re: Factors. I understand all of that. Those factors haven’t worked out in my favor. So, call me in denial and looking for ways to learn to control factors as well as I can.
For me I only wanted to date if I met someone that interested me. I don't put the cart before the horse. Having a desire is fine as long as it's not
maladaptive (causing negative obsessive thoughts) Also it may be cynical but it's real, the world doesn't care about two people in a relationship (Why should it?), I personally think that's how it should be. There is less drama that way and those people can have more peace in that relationship. Most people see a couple and keep it moving. Why? Because it's a typical sight, most people date, so it's nothing to make a big deal about. They may say aww, but they're not thinking about those people when they go home. If they're not close to them personally, then they're just faces in a crowd. It's not my relationship and I have my own life to tend to. As for the final piece: Why worry about something out of your control? You're just creating stress for yourself.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auraliea
For me I only wanted to date if I met someone that interested me. I don't put the cart before the horse. Having a desire is fine as long as it's not maladaptive (causing negative obsessive thoughts) Also it may be cynical but it's real, the world doesn't care about two people in a relationship, I personally think that's how it should be. Most people see a couple and keep it moving. Why? Because it's a typical sight, most people date, so it's nothing to make a big deal about. It's not my relationship and I have my own life to tend to. As for the final piece: Why worry about something out of your control? You're just creating stress for yourself.
So very wise. You date when there is someone that compels you to date them.
So many of the problems I see here is people wanting to date to solve a problem or a fill a void... to correct something or achieve a personal goal. As opposed to doing so because they connected with someone and wish to explore that connection.
Most people see a couple and keep it moving. Why? Because it's a typical sight, most people date, so it's nothing to make a big deal about. They may say aww, but they're not thinking about those people when they go home. If they're not close to them personally, then they're just faces in a crowd. It's not my relationship and I have my own life to tend to. As for the final piece: Why worry about something out of your control? You're just creating stress for yourself.
“Not close to them personally,” I guess that’s what I mean. I have close friends and family with strong relationships and it warms my heart to see it.
Why worry about something out of my control. Because I’m lonely. I’ve done the “Don’t force anything” bit. Now I’m trying the “Get out and put effort into it” bit.
First paragraph is dead on. During a date, that's one. I was weak on that on my lone date. I didn't feel any interest from her, so I was nervous to show anything. But also how to show interest beyond being friends...in a socially acceptable way.
Definitely over-thinking. But "doing what comes naturally to me"...never has worked. I am not a naturally attractive person. I'm polite, friendly, and learning to be conversational. But I am not charming, swoon-worthy, smooth, or interesting. No one has ever escalated with me. Maybe I need to express something first? Maybe I'd also come off like a creep. I've read many threads (elsewhere) and articles from women complaining about being hit on by guys they're not interested in but that's a risk I've got to learn to take. Maybe asking for flirting techniques would be more in line with my reason for asking? I'm working whatever personality and strengths I have just to be conversational and social...beyond that I don't see what I can do to communicate interest.
Movie, yeah. But it shows what I'm talking about. Goldblum is clearly displaying attraction (and seduction)...physical touch, mostly. That style works for him.
They often act a little crazy. They sit next to you and make tons of noise in places that are supposed to be quiet, and then they keep the noise up until you look their way and they are just staring you down.
But for the most part, they act lost. They also make it a point to get in your space. You can be polite, but then they'd try to "kidnap" you. If you have your own goals, then you can't even afford to acknowledge them because you would have to "fight" for your freedom.
They also do a lot of following. I've had a couple of friends point out to me that at least one guy was following me around. But they just act like they don't know what to do with themselves.
They often act a little crazy. They sit next to you and make tons of noise in places that are supposed to be quiet, and then they keep the noise up until you look their way and they are just staring you down.
But for the most part, they act lost. They also make it a point to get in your space. You can be polite, but then they'd try to "kidnap" you. If you have your own goals, then you can't even afford to acknowledge them because you would have to "fight" for your freedom.
They also do a lot of following. I've had a couple of friends point out to me that at least one guy was following me around. But they just act like they don't know what to do with themselves.
Funny, I knew a woman that was a major flea market junkie. She said she had some guy at the flea market following around and then approached her several aisles later.
The reason she knew it was several aisles is because he attempted to break the ice by using something she said while he was eavesdropping on her conversation with a vendor...several aisles back. He used that to break the ice with her. So, thus it was creepy.
Although, you have to give him credit...he was able to at least approach her as opposed to the men you've described.
Re: Reason for wanting a relationship, here’s a philosophical question for you: Is it emotionally healthy to want a relationship without wanting a specific someone to have a relationship with? Should you meet someone and then want a relationship with them, or want a relationship with someone you haven’t met yet?
For myself it’s a number of factors, starting with the bluntly biological.
-Strong desire to mate
-Desire for companionship, especially in the wake of friends marrying (less time for social occasions)
-Desire for a family
-Desire for a kindred understanding spirit to travel with
-Attraction to specific individuals
Re: Relationships not special. Two thoughts: That’s easy for someone who has had relationships before to say, and it’s possibly cynical. Do you mean all relationships, including the good ones? If so I think that’s very cynical. Seeing two people who care about each other is beautiful. I enjoy seeing beauty in the world, regardless of how commonplace it may be.
Re: Factors. I understand all of that. Those factors haven’t worked out in my favor. So, call me in denial and looking for ways to learn to control factors as well as I can.
It is not cynical to keep yourself from getting destroyed over not having a relationship. Of course there are some good relationships, then there are relationships that appear good, but once you get to know them it's like stepping into a war zone. You don't have to be in a relationship to know that they are not the be all end all of life.
You can see relationships as beautiful (and believe you and me, some of them truly are), but it is not worth your sanity to try and get into one. What I'm saying is don't blow it up to be something it really is not. Accept the possibility that it is not meant to be for you and think about other ways to find fulfillment.
See life is like the stock market, but instead of money, you are putting your emotional and mental well being into the market. Let's say there are plenty of industries. You decide to look into the relationship industry. Now things get interesting here. You find an investment partner for a certain relationship. You decide to partner together and put your investments into the relationship. The only thing is you and your partner are the primary influencers in your relationship.
You put all of your investment into your relationship. However, it turns out that your partner is not that interested in the relationship brand you are investing in with her, and has probably started making some of her own investments in another relationship. Meanwhile, you are probably wondering why you seem to be carrying all of the relationship by yourself, or you are ignoring the signs. Then one day, the big blowout comes when she breaks the news to you that she is not only wanting to leave, but is actually trying to go with the other relationship. You are left emotionally bankrupt, and she has everything, and then goes with the other partner (often times, the partner does to her what she's done to you, but she never moves on from her)
Relationships are fickle these days. In many cases, you are going to run into circumstances where you think you might have something, but nothing comes of it. It could drive you crazy if you want it badly. If you want a relationship, be prepared to put in work for years to finally meet someone who is a good match to you.
“Not close to them personally,” I guess that’s what I mean. I have close friends and family with strong relationships and it warms my heart to see it.
Why worry about something out of my control. Because I’m lonely. I’ve done the “Don’t force anything” bit. Now I’m trying the “Get out and put effort into it” bit.
Put all the effort into yourself in the meantime. You said something to the effect of losing weight and still having a ways to go. You talked about your BMI. You also said that people that know you are noticing and that women are being polite/friendly with you. I'm not entirely clear if you were saying that women have started being polite after you have worked on your body. If that is what you are saying, then that IS something. Work on your body more, keep doing you in the fashion, etc. Looks can help you in some way it is not everything, far from it. Ultimately, I think it is the overall energy you give off.
The goal is to get to where you are happy with yourself. As far as women and relationships, you may have to be content with having friends for a while until you find someone. Just keep building. You may also have to relocate.
This question may seem unrelated, but bear with me...
What are some things you do to have fun?
That's in flux right now. At the core I'm an introvert training myself to socialize. Socialization and my improving physical shape are opening up more options for me. I also don't enjoy my more introverted pastimes as much as I used to (at least not alone).
-Movies
-Board and video games
-TV Series
-Astronomy enthusiast
-Shakespeare
-Musicals
-Museums, artistic and historical
-Classical music
-Watching sports, particularly college sports
-Reading
-Debating points of view
-Learning (I'll browse Wikipedia articles for hours)
-Ballroom dancing (I don't have friends who are into this, and it's awkward going it alone, so it's on hiatus)
-Theme parks and thrill rides
-Once upon a time, I was a strong swimmer, I love the water, may get back into it...swimming, beach, kayaking
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