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That's in flux right now. At the core I'm an introvert training myself to socialize. Socialization and my improving physical shape are opening up more options for me. I also don't enjoy my more introverted pastimes as much as I used to (at least not alone).
-Movies
-Board and video games
-TV Series
-Astronomy enthusiast
-Shakespeare
-Musicals
-Museums, artistic and historical
-Classical music
-Watching sports, particularly college sports
-Reading
-Debating points of view
-Learning (I'll browse Wikipedia articles for hours)
-Ballroom dancing (I don't have friends who are into this, and it's awkward going it alone, so it's on hiatus)
-Theme parks and thrill rides
-Once upon a time, I was a strong swimmer, I love the water, may get back into it...swimming, beach, kayaking
Okay, so things are changing for the better. At this point, all you have to do is be patient. Keep improving your physical shape, keep socializing, keep meeting people and in time you may actually get some dates and even find yourself in something serious.
Swimming sounds really good. Do what you enjoy... You might meet someone at that activity as well.
Put all the effort into yourself in the meantime. You said something to the effect of losing weight and still having a ways to go. You talked about your BMI. You also said that people that know you are noticing and that women are being polite/friendly with you. I'm not entirely clear if you were saying that women have started being polite after you have worked on your body. If that is what you are saying, then that IS something.
Women have always been polite and friendly. That hasn't changed so much as I've started trying to socialize around people instead of always being a man on whatever mission I happen to be on and ignoring chances to talk.
That's the crux of the post here. Women have always been polite and friendly and no more. In the past I've just gone for it with the ones who I was interested in, and struck out. Have there been more who were interested, but not showing it for whatever reason? Is there something subtle I can do to display my attraction to them that might increase my chances of finding someone who's interested and hoping I'll ask them out? Signs in the thread really point to No, that I should be just asking them out (except for this one which seems to indicate the opposite...DON'T ask out someone who's not showing me obvious sounds of interest, which is no one so far in my life...it would explain the ubiquitous rejections, though).
Yes, relocation is in my medium-term plan. I'll be limited on where I can go because of job factors, but it's something I'm going to work on.
Women have always been polite and friendly. That hasn't changed so much as I've started trying to socialize around people instead of always being a man on whatever mission I happen to be on and ignoring chances to talk.
That's the crux of the post here. Women have always been polite and friendly and no more. In the past I've just gone for it with the ones who I was interested in, and struck out. Have there been more who were interested, but not showing it for whatever reason? Is there something subtle I can do to display my attraction to them that might increase my chances of finding someone who's interested and hoping I'll ask them out? Signs in the thread really point to No, that I should be just asking them out (except for this one which seems to indicate the opposite...DON'T ask out someone who's not showing me obvious sounds of interest, which is no one so far in my life...it would explain the ubiquitous rejections, though).
Yes, relocation is in my medium-term plan. I'll be limited on where I can go because of job factors, but it's something I'm going to work on.
You've probably said it before, but what type of area do you live in?
Is it a small town, rural area, medium sized city? Large city?
First paragraph is dead on. During a date, that's one. I was weak on that on my lone date. I didn't feel any interest from her, so I was nervous to show anything. But also how to show interest beyond being friends...in a socially acceptable way.
Definitely over-thinking. But "doing what comes naturally to me"...never has worked. I am not a naturally attractive person. I'm polite, friendly, and learning to be conversational. But I am not charming, swoon-worthy, smooth, or interesting. No one has ever escalated with me. Maybe I need to express something first? Maybe I'd also come off like a creep. I've read many threads (elsewhere) and articles from women complaining about being hit on by guys they're not interested in but that's a risk I've got to learn to take. Maybe asking for flirting techniques would be more in line with my reason for asking? I'm working whatever personality and strengths I have just to be conversational and social...beyond that I don't see what I can do to communicate interest.
Movie, yeah. But it shows what I'm talking about. Goldblum is clearly displaying attraction (and seduction)...physical touch, mostly. That style works for him.
I'm looking for a style.
I'm a bit older, but how to show interest when ON a date? Explore your mutual interests with your date. Discuss your TV shows, museum exhibits, outdoor activities, sports, ask about her favorites, etc. etc.
Give some thought prior to the first date what you might do for a second. Is there a museum exhibit or game or something coming up that you would take her to, if she agreed to see you again? Subtly bring an event into the conversation. That gives her a way of showing her interest, if she says something like "that sounds fun". If she seems to like the idea, follow up with her at the end of the date, or soon thereafter.
I'm not super touchy feely in the early stages, on a first date, but that didn't mean I wasn't interested. As a rule, if I agreed to see someone again, I WAS interested, whether or not I was throwing myself at him.
And if you don't get ANY positive feedback or agreement to see you again, don't be text buddies. Let her go and move on.
Some others mentioned OLD. As an introverted woman, it worked for me, because at least I knew I was dealing with men who weren't in committed relationships (well, most of them.... there were some cheating scammers now and then). But if you go the OLD route, listen to what women say they liked and appreciated, not men who insist they know what women like...
I'm a bit older, but how to show interest when ON a date?
More about getting to the date. How to express interest in a woman in a subtle, acceptable way. The goal is to differentiate my attraction to her from every day friendliness, see if there’s any reciprocation.
What you mentioned is good for if I can actually make it to the date.
The last thing I want is to have a guy come up and lay his "style" on me. Nothing makes me feel like one of a million quicker than that.
You're too analytical. There's not enough access to the soul and guts in you. There's not enough of the real you there. You're trying too hard to find the formula, and all that's doing is leading you around by the tail. You've stripped away what might make you interesting so that what's left is just a nervous, self-conscious mish-mash of processes and applications that you've picked up from all these random places.
I honestly would put everything besides your job on the back-burner and focus ALL (and I mean all) your energy on relocating. You need to be in a new bigger city with more to do so you can do things besides go home at night and obsess about why you don't have a girlfriend.
The last thing I want is to have a guy come up and lay his "style" on me. Nothing makes me feel like one of a million quicker than that.
Right!? One of a million instead of one in a million. That’s why I say that “social proof” is such crap, normal women don’t want someone else’s guy, someone who says: “What!? I can look, ALL women are beautiful!”... ok, anyone will do then, keep walking
More about getting to the date. How to express interest in a woman in a subtle, acceptable way. The goal is to differentiate my attraction to her from every day friendliness, see if there’s any reciprocation.
What you mentioned is good for if I can actually make it to the date.
If you take the plunge into online dating, most of what I mentioned can be done on the first meeting, not technically a "date". Having some specific things in mind for an actual date is good to mention, either at or soon after that first meeting.
I would just suggest you don't make OLD a "numbers game". If you're already feeling the sting of rejection, I don't think sending tons of generic messages to all the women is a good approach. Only message women who have filled out their own profile to a decent degree. You're more likely to find serious minded women who are looking for a relationship and not a hookup. Tailor your initial message to her, speaking to one or two interests or areas of compatibilities in your profiles. You have the advantage of knowing she's available, and knowing you have at least something in common to talk about.
And... if you don't hear back, don't take it too personally. Keep on trucking until you get a reply or two.
Chit chat on the app for a day or two, then make arrangements to meet in person. No point in being endless text buddies with someone who isn't serious. If she won't agree to meet in a reasonable period of time, let it go.
The key is not to get too invested in anyone until you have met and agreed to a real date, after meeting once to see if there's any chemistry/attraction/compatibility, to see if their profile seems reasonably accurate (knowing everyone is trying to put their best foot forward, but not ridiculously so to the point of being unrecognizable or dishonest).
There will be liars and fakes. There will be flakes and weirdos. This is a given. But not being one gives you better odds of finding someone of like mind, I think....
Worked for me, and I am an older woman, not the key demographic that is supposed to have luck in OLD. But I was persistent. And in time, I learned not to take it too seriously until a man stuck around for a bit.
I wish you luck. It isn't easy. But I think narrowing your approach to women who are making themselves available to date is a good first step. Also, you express yourself well in writing from what I see here, and that's a strength you can use in the early stages, to ask for that first meeting.
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