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Over the years, there are many promises from my boyfriend that he would straighten out his financial issues, but I have come to the conclusion that I can never be comfortable living with him or marrying him with the way he views money and what I believe is poor financial judgment. He doesn’t have much money or assets to begin with and is well into retirement age. I have always been very conservative when it comes to money and have worked very hard and continue to work so that I will not be dependent on my children or a partner for my retirement life.
He on the other hand doesn’t seem to be too bothered about the fact that he has very little saved and lives paycheck to paycheck.
We are very compatible in a physical way and have a great time together. As far as I’m concerned we can just continue to date and live in separate homes. But he can’t stop mentioning to me that he wants to live with me soon and get married. He never really asked me how I felt about the subjects but rather just kept on saying he wanted it so on and so forth. We do love each other and I know that love is hard to find especially at an older age so I am not blind to what’s at stake. However, there is no way I could ever be happy with somebody who couldn’t take care of themselves financially. I would never expect anyone to take care of me in that way at all.
It is clear that we have different money values high and perspectives on how we see money and how we treat money. I have been back-and-forth with him over the years and each time he promises to improve his habits however I always end up coming full circle after giving him another chance after many other chances and I have great anxiety with his situation because I know that I will end up picking up the slack
Others have told need to be thankful that I have such a loving man in my life and that’s the part which gives me pause before calling it quits. If you were me what would you do?
Don't marry him. You need to be smart here. Those women that are telling you to be so thankful are either broke, desperate or don't have money issues because they married responsible men. Money is a huge issue in marriage.
I married a guy who was irresponsible with money the first time. It was a disaster. Have you ever had Sheriff's Notices tacked up on the mailbox after judgements were granted against your husband (for debts you knew nothing about) or had attempts made to attach your wages for his unpaid medical debts? I have.
I'm 65 and have joked that I won't marry someone whose plan for financing long-term care is "Qualify for a Medicaid nursing home"- but it's no joke. As his wife, you'll be held liable for any of his unpaid medical debts and if he goes into LTC, Medicaid won't pay the bills til you've spent down to something like $130K in joint assets and $30K/year in income. So- you could be left with very little before you yourself need care. Pre-nups can't get you out of this. And, as mentioned earlier, you'll have to pick up the slack and be the Emergency Fund when the car dies or the house needs a new roof.
Of course he wants to marry you. Don't do it, even if you lose him. Let him find someone else to prop him up.
And he could drop it at any time without telling you, unless you keep checking up on him and that's not a healthy relationship. I'm still concerned about the exposures you'd have. If he has nothing, or almost nothing, set aside, you'll be funding all the big-ticket items and cleaning up messes caused by emergencies. My Ex and I had no finances in common except the mortgage and it was still a disaster.
It doesn't matter. Do not let him either move into your home or marry him. He might love you, but he's also seeking a purse for his financial needs (and I've gathered from what I've read between the lines of your original post that you've assisted him financially in the past). Don't be that purse.
Love him, sleep with him, eat meals with him, but do not cohabitate with a man who is fiscally irresponsible.
I would not let him move in or marry him. It’s too easy for you to start “taking care of him”. He will need a couple bucks here and there, and you will give it to him because you are a couple and love him and “just know” that he will pay you back. He will need a new car, won’t have enough for a down payment and will ask you to co-sign. You will do it because you are together and love him. You will be “too good to him” and he will let you continue.
Whatever you do, keep everything you own in your name only, and don’t ever sign your name to anything he is responsible for.
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