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I noticed the small ones along the way. Nothing big. Small promises that didnt really raise any flags. And early on in the relationship, i was probably ignoring it. Or i just write it off as maybe he forgot about them. Until now.
We're having a fight about a certain decision and as it turns out, he changed the story a bit when he asked for advises from his family and friends. When we talked face to face, he denied the whole initial agreement that we had, and was implying that i made that decision on my own, without his agreement. At the time, i was at a lost of words, although thinking back, i should have just take out my phone and show him his own messages. I have his multiple agreements on it in text. Anyway, the denial of the agreement actually left me as the villain in the story now. He twist it in a way then presents it to me as if im a gold-digger. And the exact words were 'i feel as if you like me only for my luxurious side'. Disclaimer, im supposed to be paying 50% of that purchase. And the difference is 1900, before splitting into two. He denied agreeing to it, and denied ever having a discussion about budgets. I even have an excel sheet HE prepared and gave specifically for this budget. I didnt show the excel proof at the time, but i tried making him remember of the discussions, which he again denies.
Now, first of i feel betrayed. Who the f doesnt, when someone you love accused you that way. I do love shiny things but I never once asked for my partner to buy me things. I never asked for special gifts, loan any money, nadda. The only thing i remember asking from him would be food, desserts and the like. Nothing expensive or luxurious.
I dont give a sh about thing we're arguing about anymore, but i cant stop thinking about how he handles this. He goes back on his words, and throws me under the bus. Turns out he also didnt mention to them about the 50/50 split payment. As far as i know, he told them its just me deciding and demanding the more expensive option. Naturally, their opinion on me is now negative, which also hurts more and more.
I still love this guy, but the trust i had for him is gone. I also dont know how to move on from this. We're taking a break from each other, and after the break is up, im leaning towards ending it for good. If we were to continue, i cant forget about this. Once in a while it will be brought up again. And seeing how he can easily deny his own words, even though i have it in writing and he prepared his own budget documents, this habit is probably gonna happen again and again.
Is there a way out of this? Can this habit be.. handled? Improved? All of my own friends and families now, in a way, hates him for accusing me that and ****ting on his own promises. Or as my good friend advised me, this type of people can be difficult and its better to just leave, before further heartaches.
I've never loved someone as much as i love him, but i've never been betrayed like this.
I agree it's a betrayal when someone denies what their own words were, and the person tries to change the story. It's a form of gaslighting - trying to make you believe that something happened in a different way than what you know full well happened.
I think of it as a character flaw and a mental flaw in thinking. Trying to make you believe how something happened that didn't happen seems so deceitful - because it is deceitful. It seems to stem sometimes from the person wanting to appear better in the questioned scenario than they actually were. Other times it's to gain an advantage.
Either way it makes one question how one can be emotionally close to a person who perpetrates this type of dishonesty. Or if they truly don't remember what happened and they are insisting on the wrong version, it makes one wonder about their mental stability if their perceptions are so off.
Look up "gaslighting". He's playing mind games and he's trying to turn friends and family against you. Get out now or eventually you'll start questioning your own instincts. You deserve better.
I agree it's a betrayal when someone denies what their own words were, and the person tries to change the story. It's a form of gaslighting - trying to make you believe that something happened in a different way than what you know full well happened.
Yeah, in a sense this is a form of gas lighting, perhaps the worst and most toxic situations.
This is who he is. Make this break permanent. You don't want to be part of any of this. You dodged a bullet. You also should have shown the written transcripts/texts.
I agree it's a betrayal when someone denies what their own words were, and the person tries to change the story. It's a form of gaslighting - trying to make you believe that something happened in a different way than what you know full well happened.
I think of it as a character flaw and a mental flaw in thinking. Trying to make you believe how something happened that didn't happen seems so deceitful - because it is deceitful. It seems to stem sometimes from the person wanting to appear better in the questioned scenario than they actually were. Other times it's to gain an advantage.
Either way it makes one question how one can be emotionally close to a person who perpetrates this type of dishonesty. Or if they truly don't remember what happened and they are insisting on the wrong version, it makes one wonder about their mental stability if their perceptions are so off.
He's quite .... interesting. He claims himself as emotionally distant. But i dont really feel that way at times. He's very romantic, caring and thoughtful. But when it comes to, say, im talking to him about past family stuff, personal things. Things that people would normally give emotional support, or opinions etc, he'd just go 'i see'. We talked about it once, i told him it can be frustrating because i feel like i cant talk about those kind of things with him. And his answer was, he's quiet because he's listening to me. Thats it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by athena53
Look up "gaslighting". He's playing mind games and he's trying to turn friends and family against you. Get out now or eventually you'll start questioning your own instincts. You deserve better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123
Yeah, in a sense this is a form of gas lighting, perhaps the worst and most toxic situations.
I read some articles on it. Just for this particular fight, how bad is it? Can our relationship still be saved, can he improve or change himself? I know i have to check that with him, but in your opinion, is this behavior 'treatable'?
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan
How about you just go ahead and break up so that you can begin the process of healing?
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffypoopoo
This is who he is. Make this break permanent. You don't want to be part of any of this. You dodged a bullet. You also should have shown the written transcripts/texts.
Because there's so much good in him too. And i have my own flaws too, which he seems to have been quite understanding so far. And when it comes down to it, i still love him. Part of me still wants to try and salvage this relationship, for both of us to improve ourselves. Like i said, i have my own flaws too.
Yeah i was beating myself up for not showing him those texts. And let him just get away with those statements then. But so far i've prepared some proofs and backup points when we're meeting after the break. I want to tell all of this to his face. I kinda suck at face to face discussions, i always lost my words along the way
1. EVEN if he truly forgot the details of your all's arrangement...he threw you under the bus to his family.
2. He didn't/would not stand up for you, to his family. He's a grown-ass man who will always be beholden to his family? Are you SURE you want his mama being the other woman all the time?
The very BIGGEST thing to me in all this is...he LIED to them, and let YOU be the bad guy. It will ALWAYS be this way...this incident is just a preview of things to come. He should be holding you up and defending you.
Because there's so much good in him too. And i have my own flaws too, which he seems to have been quite understanding so far. And when it comes down to it, i still love him. Part of me still wants to try and salvage this relationship, for both of us to improve ourselves. Like i said, i have my own flaws too.
I'm sure there is good in him and I'm sure you're not perfect, but you need to look at the whole picture. My Ex could also be warm and loving and he was thrilled to be a father but in the end there were too many dealbreakers and I divorced him. His alcohol abuse eventually killed him. My 4-year old granddaughter started asking DS about HIS Daddy and after DS and I talked, I brought her pictures of "Grandpa Walter" and told her many of the good things- he was smart, he loved to read, he had a finely-tuned sense of humor...of course there are positive things I can say but in the end if I'd stayed with him he would have dragged DS and me down with him.
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