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My boyfriend and I (both 21) of a little over the year have had a rocky December. It began witn his request for space over clouded feelings for me. He was suffering from much depression, possible diagonsis of Borderline Personality Disorder and was stressed from school. After some therapy appointments and space away, he came back wanting to stay together and work things out.
Since then, we’ve had plans for me to accompany (and drive) him to a weekend trip nearby with his group of friends. That is in a few weeks. We took this same trip last year when we started dating but it didnt go well. This was because I was extremely insecure about the amount of weed people were smoking and I was shy and didn’t know his friends. That has since changed and I am now comfortable around weed and don’t really care. The trip, however, left a sour taste in his mouth. He knows though that my insecurities about weed have gone away.
Two days ago, he texted me and uninvited me to the trip. He apologized for how mean this was, but said he now preferred it to be a friends only trip. He wanted to spend time witn his friends without couples there. While I certainly have no issue with him wanting a friends-only trip, I took major issue with this.
Uninviting me after inviting me made me feel abandoned, hurt, neglected and disrespected. I communicated all of this to him. I told him that if he had concerns about the weed thing, he should talk to me - I’m happy to work on whatever. He said it wasn’t about that and that I shouldn’t take it personally - he just wants a trip with his friends. He proposed us taking a seperate trip with just the two of us. I was still angry.
This un-invitiation is particularly upsetting because it comes at a sensitive time in our relationship and at a bad personal time for me. This past week, my brother (who has long suffered with drug abuse) over-dosed at home and my mom and me were there calling 911 looming over his lifeless body. He survived, but the issues are still ongoing. My parents kick him out one day, put him in rehab the next, etc. Same cycle for years, but this particular time was traumatizing for me since I saw him almost die up-close. I haven’t been able to much and just want my boyfriend to be there for me.
As a result, I would like to go with him to the group trip to get away and also because our relationship needs to be spiced up anyway. He cannot keep me seperate from his friends all the time. (I barely am ever with him and them - only on special occasions). I explained all of this to him and he said that him wanting to be on the trip alone and my personal issues were seperate issues - “I can be supportive and there for you, without you going on the trip with me.”
I feel extremely hurt and awkward heading into this weekend (his birthday weekend). Am I wrong? Is there a compromise? Any thoughts or advice?
Two days ago, he texted me and uninvited me to the trip. He apologized for how mean this was, but said he now preferred it to be a friends only trip. He wanted to spend time witn his friends without couples there. While I certainly have no issue with him wanting a friends-only trip, I took major issue with this.
Uninviting me after inviting me made me feel abandoned, hurt, neglected and disrespected. I communicated all of this to him. I told him that if he had concerns about the weed thing, he should talk to me - I’m happy to work on whatever. He said it wasn’t about that and that I shouldn’t take it personally - he just wants a trip with his friends. He proposed us taking a seperate trip with just the two of us. I was still angry.
This un-invitiation is particularly upsetting because it comes at a sensitive time in our relationship and at a bad personal time for me. This past week, my brother (who has long suffered with drug abuse) over-dosed at home and my mom and me were there calling 911 looming over his lifeless body. He survived, but the issues are still ongoing. My parents kick him out one day, put him in rehab the next, etc. Same cycle for years, but this particular time was traumatizing for me since I saw him almost die up-close. I haven’t been able to much and just want my boyfriend to be there for me.
As a result, I would like to go with him to the group trip to get away and also because our relationship needs to be spiced up anyway. He cannot keep me seperate from his friends all the time. (I barely am ever with him and them - only on special occasions). I explained all of this to him and he said that him wanting to be on the trip alone and my personal issues were seperate issues - “I can be supportive and there for you, without you going on the trip with me.”
I feel extremely hurt and awkward heading into this weekend (his birthday weekend). Am I wrong? Is there a compromise? Any thoughts or advice?
IMHO re-read the bolded text. It sounds to me as if he was trying to be considerate. If the other people going on the trip also won't be going as couples this sounds fair. As you said, you are already upset over your brother. It is clouding your perception of your BF. He is correct. FWIW I don't think missing this trip should be the cause of a breakup. Take him up on the offer of another trip for yourselves. Work it out then without an audience.
Don’t you both think un-inviting me (after so much planning and excitement) is extremely rude and disrespectful, though, - especially in my time of need?
Don’t you both think un-inviting me (after so much planning and excitement) is extremely rude and disrespectful, though, - especially in my time of need?
Your "time of need"?
If this is the same guy from your other thread, you need to let him go. Once and for all.
Because you're only 20 and 21 and because in your other thread he said about a dozen times that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. But you won't listen.
Yes, his "uninviting" you was a strong statement. I would let him go, and tell him you wish him luck in 2019.
He came around with that - chalked it up to issues from his past with commitment (via his mother) through therapy and said he wants to give it a try and work on things. I don’t understand if you really read this thread thoroughly or not.
I don’t understand if you really read this thread thoroughly or not.
I read it.
This is why I am saying you need to leave each other alone:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ravens97
... his request for space over clouded feelings for me.
He was suffering from much depression, possible diagonsis of Borderline Personality Disorder and was stressed from school.
... he now preferred it to be a friends only trip.
He wanted to spend time witn his friends without couples there.
He said ... I shouldn’t take it personally -
he just wants a trip with his friends.
I haven’t been able to much and just want my boyfriend to be there for me.
... he said that him wanting to be on the trip alone and my personal issues were seperate issues -
He is trying to make space between you again. You want to "spice things up" on this friends trip, which is not a great idea because of the group dynamic and because it went badly last year, even though you claim you feel totally differently about those people and their weed smoking now.
I'm really truly sorry about what you went through with your brother. But honestly it reads like that has been an ongoing issue with him. Yes, you experienced it firsthand, but it sounds like you want to use it to get your BF to behave the way you want and are not listening to what he is telling you he wants.
This is a pattern for you guys. If you really were in a time of need, then someone who was actually in love with you would recognize that and would be there for you. He is continually putting you off.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 12-21-2018 at 05:08 PM..
You’re too needy. Step back and learn to act like an adult.
Honestly, you don’t want to be with someone with depression and borderline. Run.
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