Am I being too picky/ridiculous? (date, guy, attracted, young)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yeah, stop being shocked that he doesn't know things, OP. People are different, and their life experiences can be different from yours without being "lesser than." You either like who he is or you don't.
IDK about picky, but you are being premature in trying to make a decision about whether you two are a match. This is the kind of thing that you will need lots of time and interaction to decide if you can live with it or not.
Knowing what a hard time you have had finding a healthy relationship, I think you should calm down and get to know him better. It sounds like the fundamental traits that make him a good person are checked off.
Having said that, be wary of falling for "potential." If you do stay together, you won't always find yourself in the role of fairy godfather, introducing your wide-eyed boyfriend to life's new pleasures. At some point he may tire of you pushing him to subscribe to your fun, adventurous lifestyle and he may want you to stay in and watch a TV show with him. Can you live with that?
Stop looking so far ahead and just spend time with him. Consider that he may have things to teach you as well.
I agree. I see there possibly being a balance created. I am extroverted he is introverted. I am looking to slow down a little bit, and staying in watching a movie on Friday night sounds great to me. I defnitely don't need a replica of me. In fact a good friend of mine, we are so much alike and we dated briefly, that we could never work because we were too much alike. Two extremely extroverted, super social, and two guys with huge egos would never go well.
So with this guy, I see him as an opposite that may bring some balance. It's just he's just such an extreme on the other side, that it's uncharted territory for me.
With that being said I am taking it super slow. We haven't kissed or anything, and that because I have preferred not to. After our third date he texted me saying he wasn't sure if we should date because, he likes me and he doesn't think I do (due to lack of intimacy). I basically responded and told him that I just take things super slow. That I want to get to know him for him before we get intimate. Because in reality the second you kiss or have sex, expectations are now set, and in some cases (like this one) you really don't know the person. he understood and agreed he would like to get to know more to. I agree on that point 100% on getting to know him.
Well, you did say you are adventurous and love exploring, so "uncharted territory" should be perfect for you.
True.
I think the post came about because he was kind of putting pressure on me after the third date. Basically he was saying we need to kiss or hold hands. I was like wait, wait, wait, I need to figure this out.
I think the post came about because he was kind of putting pressure on me after the third date. Basically he was saying we need to kiss or hold hands. I was like wait, wait, wait, I need to figure this out.
Oh come on, you've said yourself that gay guys hook up and then decide if they like each other. Why are you suddenly being so discriminating?
In all honesty we don't have too much in common. Aside from being gay, and sharing similar morals and some values, it feels like his day to day, is completely different from mine.
Morals and values are very important to have in common, I think more than interests which can change over time. As long as he's willing to expand his horizons, and you have your own interests in a slower paced life, as least sometimes, it sounds like there is a fair amount of room for common ground. And even a spouse/long term partner doesn't have to share everything. You can still have friends and activities that you don't do in common, along with the things you share.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928
True.
I think the post came about because he was kind of putting pressure on me after the third date. Basically he was saying we need to kiss or hold hands. I was like wait, wait, wait, I need to figure this out.
Communication. Explain why you want to take it slow. But on the other hand, if there isn't physical chemistry, this isn't going to happen. So maybe there's some give and take on both sides here. You don't have to jump in bed together to start having some physical contact.
Oh come on, you've said yourself that gay guys hook up and then decide if they like each other. Why are you suddenly being so discriminating?
Oh they sure do and I have in the past and still do. But when I meet a quality person, I definitely want to take things slow if I see potential. If I had zero interest in dating him after a first date, I would definitely be up to roll in the hay with him for fun, and open to a friendship after that.
But being that he likes me and being that he still has my interest, I am trying to be careful. And I am not holding it against him that he wants to get intimate. I think it's moreso, I am trying to figure out how I feel about him. So with me still figuring it out, and him letting me know he likes me, I feel it would not be cool to lead him on with a kiss or sex if I am still trying to maneuver my feelings towards him. It doesn't bother me that he brought it up, it's more that I am trying to figure it out first.
I think that taking your time in seeing if you can build some connection, is a good idea. It can strengthen a relationship, I believe, to slow your roll. I didn't used to think that, until I did take things a bit slower and I believe it made a huge difference, for the better.
I think that the things BirdieBelle expressed in the post on page 1 were very valid thoughts. You've got to decide if this can be good, or if it'll be bad, and it could be good. I think that optimally you want a balance of some commonalities and some differences, however it's important that both of you are accepting of your differences. Embrace them, even. If you are disdainful of him for the ways in which he is not like you, or vice versa, that's a problem.
My partner and I have many overlapping areas of interest. But he has been an introvert and has had 20 more years than me to explore a world of culture and media, so he introduces me to lots of music, shows, and movies I've never seen. I like a lot of them, and even when I don't, I feel like my perspective is broadened by those new experiences. I'm a social, outgoing extrovert and he is a quiet introvert. But he doesn't have issues with how I am, and I don't have issues with how he is. I understand he needs alone time sometimes. He knows I need people time. Occasionally, my myriad of social contacts pays off big for him, like when I get invited to really cool things and he is also invited as my partner. We ended up spending a weekend at this amazing lodge up in the mountains, for free (the place was normally about $2K a night!) because a friend of ours bargained for time there, for services rendered in his legal trade, with a client. On his own, he wouldn't be connecting that way with such people, to get invited to something like that. He doesn't mind that he's on my coat-tails in that aspect. It's a fringe benefit of being with me, that he appreciates.
I guess what I am saying is, can you envision both of you having real appreciation for the new things you bring to one another's lives? Does he drag his feet about visiting a new neighborhood?
And another consideration... Can he afford to keep up with you? Not just in the sense of whether he has the money, but also his spending preferences. If he is more frugal and sees your habits as frivolous and extravagant, he might grow contempt for you, just as you could grow contempt for his choices to NOT explore the world as you do.
Just stuff to think about. I could see this set-up going in either direction, it depends mostly on how agreeable and accepting both of you are able to be.
Morals and values are very important to have in common, I think more than interests which can change over time. As long as he's willing to expand his horizons, and you have your own interests in a slower paced life, as least sometimes, it sounds like there is a fair amount of room for common ground. And even a spouse/long term partner doesn't have to share everything. You can still have friends and activities that you don't do in common, along with the things you share.
Communication. Explain why you want to take it slow. But on the other hand, if there isn't physical chemistry, this isn't going to happen. So maybe there's some give and take on both sides here. You don't have to jump in bed together to start having some physical contact.
Yeah, I explained to him why I take it slow. He then understood and said he would like to continue getting to know me better then. I also told him if he's unsure he can always ask me how I am feeling about things because I will tell him the truth. Even everything I mentioned in this thread I wouldn't be afraid to tell him.
I guess we shall see where physical chemistry takes us. He told me that intimacy is very important to him and I told him I understood. So I am now more willing to do my part to help fulfill that on the fourth date if things continue to go well (and I just mean kissing not sex).
I think that taking your time in seeing if you can build some connection, is a good idea. It can strengthen a relationship, I believe, to slow your roll. I didn't used to think that, until I did take things a bit slower and I believe it made a huge difference, for the better.
I think that the things BirdieBelle expressed in the post on page 1 were very valid thoughts. You've got to decide if this can be good, or if it'll be bad, and it could be good. I think that optimally you want a balance of some commonalities and some differences, however it's important that both of you are accepting of your differences. Embrace them, even. If you are disdainful of him for the ways in which he is not like you, or vice versa, that's a problem.
My partner and I have many overlapping areas of interest. But he has been an introvert and has had 20 more years than me to explore a world of culture and media, so he introduces me to lots of music, shows, and movies I've never seen. I like a lot of them, and even when I don't, I feel like my perspective is broadened by those new experiences. I'm a social, outgoing extrovert and he is a quiet introvert. But he doesn't have issues with how I am, and I don't have issues with how he is. I understand he needs alone time sometimes. He knows I need people time. Occasionally, my myriad of social contacts pays off big for him, like when I get invited to really cool things and he is also invited as my partner. We ended up spending a weekend at this amazing lodge up in the mountains, for free (the place was normally about $2K a night!) because a friend of ours bargained for time there, for services rendered in his legal trade, with a client. On his own, he wouldn't be connecting that way with such people, to get invited to something like that. He doesn't mind that he's on my coat-tails in that aspect. It's a fringe benefit of being with me, that he appreciates.
I guess what I am saying is, can you envision both of you having real appreciation for the new things you bring to one another's lives? Does he drag his feet about visiting a new neighborhood?
And another consideration... Can he afford to keep up with you? Not just in the sense of whether he has the money, but also his spending preferences. If he is more frugal and sees your habits as frivolous and extravagant, he might grow contempt for you, just as you could grow contempt for his choices to NOT explore the world as you do.
Just stuff to think about. I could see this set-up going in either direction, it depends mostly on how agreeable and accepting both of you are able to be.
These are all great points. I appreciate the thoughtful response.
At the moment he can't afford to keep up with me (he just lost his job). However, I have been in that situation, so I am not holding it against him at all. In reality, it's more about seeing how open he is about exploring and taking on new things. Aside from being adventerous myself, I am an ethnic minority part of a multicultural family. My friends are all of different ethnicities and races. So part of dating me is being exposed and accepting of very different cultures and people than one might normally be used to. He's the opposite where he lives in a very homogenous environment. So I am just trying to see how open he is as an individual too.
So far he seems fairly open, but again, I feel like I need to get to know him more. In reality we have only spent about 8-10 hours together in total between the three dates, so I really can't say I know him yet, butI am trying to get to know him more for those reasons.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
