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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JBT1980
I don’t give people my problems nor do I think women are so clairvoyant that they see right through me and say I can see this guy doesn’t like himself so I’m not interested.
I can't speak for you, but in my 20s I absolutely used to believe this. That I hid my insecurities, thought my negative attitude was firmly internal and not apparent to womenfolk. I was wrong. So so very wrong. I thought I masked it all and put on a good outward appearance, after all, I did so in the professional and family arena. But no, everyone knew it, it turns out. They picked up on it immediately. I wouldn't call it clairvoyant, but people were just aware. Women, lots anyway, are super intuitive.
What iam saying is these reasons you’re giving me for my failures (insecurities self image etc) are not the reasons because I don’t give people my problems nor do I think women are so clairvoyant that they see right through me and say I can see this guy doesn’t like himself so I’m not interested.
The only place where it has hurt me is that I rarely approach women and have only asked a handful out..That part is a huge handicap I admit
Can you describe the person that I might believe you to be, from a brief interaction? Without saying anything about your physical appearance? What might one surmise from a half-hour conversation with you?
Women pick up cues that you put out into the world. Whether we interpret them accurately or not, we do. We do this about everyone we encounter. Usually we don't even think about it, we just have a positive feeling or an uncomfortable feeling about someone, and that tells us all we need to know about whether we want to interact or shut it down.
I am not the only woman in the world who is friendly in general.
So if you don't interact with many women, that is problem #1. I'm not saying "asking them out" I'm saying interacting. Talking.
If women shut you down when you aren't trying to ask them out, you're projecting something that makes women uncomfortable. Friendly women who feel comfortable will chat with ugly people. I do it all the time. I'm not the only female extrovert on the planet. Women pick up on how you carry yourself and that comes from within you. I know plenty of ugly men who carry themselves in ways that aren't off-putting. They have wives and girlfriends, too.
If women shut you down when you are trying to ask them out, you might be trying too fast or soon. Try more interactions with less agenda for a while.
You know, it would be very interesting, if you went to some kind of Halloween party in costume or Masquerade event, and tried to interact with women. Do you think you'd have more success if women couldn't see your face? I bet not.
Can you describe the person that I might believe you to be, from a brief interaction? Without saying anything about your physical appearance? What might one surmise from a half-hour conversation with you?
Women pick up cues that you put out into the world. Whether we interpret them accurately or not, we do. We do this about everyone we encounter. Usually we don't even think about it, we just have a positive feeling or an uncomfortable feeling about someone, and that tells us all we need to know about whether we want to interact or shut it down.
I am not the only woman in the world who is friendly in general.
So if you don't interact with many women, that is problem #1. I'm not saying "asking them out" I'm saying interacting. Talking.
If women shut you down when you aren't trying to ask them out, you're projecting something that makes women uncomfortable. Friendly women who feel comfortable will chat with ugly people. I do it all the time. I'm not the only female extrovert on the planet. Women pick up on how you carry yourself and that comes from within you. I know plenty of ugly men who carry themselves in ways that aren't off-putting. They have wives and girlfriends, too.
If women shut you down when you are trying to ask them out, you might be trying too fast or soon. Try more interactions with less agenda for a while.
You know, it would be very interesting, if you went to some kind of Halloween party in costume or Masquerade event, and tried to interact with women. Do you think you'd have more success if women couldn't see your face? I bet not.
I think you’re letting some women off the hook for just being b-i-t-c-h-e-s..And I didn’t say it happens a lot it happened maybe once or twice but as I said I rarely approach women I don’t know..
That’s not really my strength anyway..I need to warm up to people first I’m not great at making the first move and breaking the ice..
As far as what people would surmise after a half hour convo with me? I know most people who interact with me and know me would talk pretty positively about me and this isn’t me tooting my own horn I’m just being honest..
Maybe the first half hour I’d be a little more guarded then when I get to know somebody unless I have a few drinks in me lol but I think they’d get a decent vibe from me..I’m never gonna be life of the party but I’m pretty laid back funny I guess..
As far as not having an agenda with women I’ve asked out like 5 women in 38 years I don’t think too much of agenda with women has been my problem if anything it’s the opposite.
As far as not having an agenda with women I’ve asked out like 5 women in 38 years I don’t think too much of agenda with women has been my problem if anything it’s the opposite.
That doesn’t mean you don’t have an agenda. I hate feeling like I’m looking into every interaction with a woman my age-ish with a goal to gauge her availability and interest level, but I’ve done that in the past. That’s agenda.
That doesn’t mean you don’t have an agenda. I hate feeling like I’m looking into every interaction with a woman my age-ish with a goal to gauge her availability and interest level, but I’ve done that in the past. That’s agenda.
I think you’re letting some women off the hook for just being b-i-t-c-h-e-s..And I didn’t say it happens a lot it happened maybe once or twice but as I said I rarely approach women I don’t know..
That’s not really my strength anyway..I need to warm up to people first I’m not great at making the first move and breaking the ice..
As far as what people would surmise after a half hour convo with me? I know most people who interact with me and know me would talk pretty positively about me and this isn’t me tooting my own horn I’m just being honest..
Maybe the first half hour I’d be a little more guarded then when I get to know somebody unless I have a few drinks in me lol but I think they’d get a decent vibe from me..I’m never gonna be life of the party but I’m pretty laid back funny I guess..
As far as not having an agenda with women I’ve asked out like 5 women in 38 years I don’t think too much of agenda with women has been my problem if anything it’s the opposite.
Some percentage of women are b-words, for certain. Some percentage of men are a-holes. But a hell of a lot of people are pretty nice. If you're encountering an overwhelming number of people who are not decent humans, again, there could be something you could be doing differently.
Do you interact with lots of women, when you are NOT trying to get a date with them? You have asked out 5 women in 38 years, ok...so if you took the total number of women you've talked to for half an hour at least...or, hell...15 minutes?...what percentage of those are those 5 women?
Maybe you need to people more, or perhaps find better groups to be involved in socially.
Some of us go through life making friendly conversation with all sorts of people just to interact, be socially connected, network, share a little positive vibes for a sec, something like that.
I talk to strangers every day. Sometimes for a few moments, sometimes for longer if the circumstances permit. I am practically never thinking of what I can get from them. Which is why the "approach" thing is so weird and forced to me, I can't imagine walking up to someone with this idea in my head of wanting something like a date and talking to them with the purpose of trying to get it. About the closest I've ever done to that is trying to bum a cigarette. And even then, I'd feel super weird just walking up to someone and asking, if I don't see them actually smoking one. Even though, hey, they MIGHT be a smoker who is not at that moment smoking! Yeah, not gonna do it.
Given that out in the world, some percentage of people are even single or potentially interested, I can't imagine just "approaching" some random person with the intention of asking them out. But I can totally imagine thinking that they look interesting enough to talk to, and approaching them to be friendly and see if they'd be open to chitchat.
That doesn’t mean you don’t have an agenda. I hate feeling like I’m looking into every interaction with a woman my age-ish with a goal to gauge her availability and interest level, but I’ve done that in the past. That’s agenda.
I’m a 38 year old man with sexual urges most men have the same thought pattern when seeing attractive women out especially in a bar or club environment lol..
Doesn’t mean I act on it or I look at women as nothing more then sexual objects.. But let’s not be naive here.
Some percentage of women are b-words, for certain. Some percentage of men are a-holes. But a hell of a lot of people are pretty nice. If you're encountering an overwhelming number of people who are not decent humans, again, there could be something you could be doing differently.
Do you interact with lots of women, when you are NOT trying to get a date with them? You have asked out 5 women in 38 years, ok...so if you took the total number of women you've talked to for half an hour at least...or, hell...15 minutes?...what percentage of those are those 5 women?
Maybe you need to people more, or perhaps find better groups to be involved in socially.
I don’t have any single women in my social circle..Most women I converse with are friends /wives girlfriends.. and outside of them those 5 I can’t say I’ve had a lot of 30 minute convos with single women..
Haven’t had a lot of chances and when I have I admit I get approach anxiety at times and probably didn’t say much to them.
Because I can love myself and still have insecurities and self esteem issues about attracting women..I don’t see why one has to correlate with the other.
Why can’t I be realistic about how women aren’t attracted to me yet still love myself as a person?
As I said in the other thread the only time where being realistic or honest about your situation is “not loving yourself” is when it comes to admitting you’re not attractive to the opposite sex..
If I said I suck at fixing cars or math nobody would say you don’t love yourself I would just be being honest at and self aware..
But after 38 years of little positive attention from women if I come to the hypothesis that I’m not attractive to women I must hate myself and am sooooo negative lol
Look, if you truly "love yourself" while having insecurities and self esteem issues about attracting women, then ok. It is what it is.
See, all we see on this forum is words so we're not always going to come to the correct conclusions. None of us are perfect here. I personally am the first to admit that I am a total screw up. There, I said it. I'm a screw up. But I'm working on myself and I give you the benefit of the doubt that you are working on yourself.
No one is going to be good at everything. I personally don't know the exact type of relationship you have with your friend. Meaning I've never seen you, or her, let alone you and her together. I don't know exactly how you feel about her. I don't know all of the ins and outs. I only know what you post on this forum
In the other thread, you've made it clear that you have decided to stick with her. Now, the next step is making peace and being satisfied with what you are going to get if you haven't already. That's all there is to it.
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