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I was also married for 18 years and then did some online dating for a little while. I don't think that you should form any commitments too soon. Though of course it's a bit different for a man because of the stereotype of guys as "players" and I know you do not want to be that. But still.
I felt it was an excellent choice for me to multi-date and even be poly for a time after my divorce. I didn't want to move too fast on committing to a life bond with anybody. I wanted to make sure I'd worked through most of my issues, that I had healed my mind and heart so I could be a worthwhile partner, and that I had recalibrated my picker and wasn't choosing someone who was bad for me. I wanted to make sure I'd absorbed most of the important life lessons and cast off most of the drama from my marriage. Yet I didn't really want to be ALONE as many suggest, during this time. For one thing, I was afraid that if I were truly alone, my ex might try and succeed in getting us back together. And for another, having the moral support of people who believed in me and cared about me, really helped.
Even after I stopped with the poly stuff and went exclusive with one partner, it was a while before we moved in together. 2 years after we met. We've discussed marriage but it likely won't happen until we've been together some 5-6 years. We are in no rush. So that's my advice to you. Don't be in a rush.
But no matter what you choose to do, I personally think that diplomatic honesty is the best policy. Like, without getting into details or rubbing anything in anyone's face, if you aren't ready to cut off other connections, don't act or talk as though she is the only one. Most people will prefer exclusivity before, or when, you get to having sex. Though for some that might not matter, if I'm having sex with someone, I do want to have some idea at least of where they stand. Like even with the guy I can only call a "fling" I knew he was probably seeing and having sex with others, and he knew that I was. At a certain point, honesty gets to be pretty important.
At the least though, I'd wait until you've had some more dates with the prospect you like best, to make sure she's really into you, before you cut off the others. I wouldn't do that after like, one date. There is no OLD protocol that says you must only talk to or date or even sleep with one person at a time. People do what works for them.
I was also married for 18 years and then did some online dating for a little while. I don't think that you should form any commitments too soon. Though of course it's a bit different for a man because of the stereotype of guys as "players" and I know you do not want to be that. But still.
I felt it was an excellent choice for me to multi-date and even be poly for a time after my divorce. I didn't want to move too fast on committing to a life bond with anybody. I wanted to make sure I'd worked through most of my issues, that I had healed my mind and heart so I could be a worthwhile partner, and that I had recalibrated my picker and wasn't choosing someone who was bad for me.
Thanks ... and I definitely have no intention of getting to deep with anyone even if I really hit it off. It's more of understanding expectations in this new world. And yes, communication is key.
#1 and #2 seem like really nice people, but I just like #3's demeanor and personality better. If I had to choose who to go do something fun with, I would probably call her first. I mean I guess the make out didn't hurt either .
I wanted to make sure I'd absorbed most of the important life lessons and cast off most of the drama from my marriage. Yet I didn't really want to be ALONE as many suggest, during this time. For one thing, I was afraid that if I were truly alone, my ex might try and succeed in getting us back together.
Also this is an excellent point. My ex is fixated on getting us back together. Her mantra is "Just one more chance". Well she had about five.
In a way, I want to send her the message that this won't be happening and I'm moving on. That is not my primary motivation, but I was very clear that I am starting to date other people.
Also this is an excellent point. My ex is fixated on getting us back together. Her mantra is "Just one more chance". Well she had about five.
In a way, I want to send her the message that this won't be happening and I'm moving on. That is not my primary motivation, but I was very clear that I am starting to date other people.
Again ... this is using people ...
I feel like online profiles should have a category that says, "I just want to show my ex that I've really moved on. "
I feel like online profiles should have a category that says, "I just want to show my ex that I've really moved on. "
I don't know. One of the women told me that was one reason she started dating again too.
Another one told me that she talked it over with her daughter, and her daughter was resistant at first but then told her "Well Dad sort of decided to do that behind your back, so I think it's ok"
I guess we just have different ideas of what is acceptable, but again I have been extremely open with each of them about how recent things were and they seem perfectly fine with it.
In fact, my "favorite" (numbers seem so callous) initiated things by asking "So have you kissed anyone since your divorce?" and things moved from there.
Last edited by coolcats; 01-02-2019 at 02:53 PM..
Reason: Added more thoughts.
I dunno, I felt like shaking off my ex via other people was more a matter of HIM finding someone else (which he has still failed to do.)
My dating was more a matter of building a support network so that I didn't question myself. When you've been partnered with someone for 18 years, especially since I was 18 when we met, and I finished growing up with him more or less, it can be scary to contemplate going it on your own, letting go the sunk costs, and making your own decisions, living your own life. My confidence was pretty shaky for a while. I was terrified that I would make a mistake, and no one would be there to have my back. Not that I was really counting on my new partners to backstop any bad decisions on my part, but it was incredibly helpful to have people in my life who really cared about me, took the time to really SEE me, who reassured me that "Yeah, you've got his, and yes, you deserve better and can do better, and yes you're going to be ok." I needed that. Badly.
So really it was just a matter of those others being there to help me be strong enough to stick to my guns, if the ex had wanted to get back together. But certainly, the fact that I'd been with other people made him far less likely to try. Being with someone new does send the message, "I'm not yours anymore."
The other thing too, after that long with one person, you don't really know what you want, need, or like in a partner. I felt it was pretty good to date around and experiment some to figure that out. If your marriage wasn't healthy, you might not really know what a healthy relationship even looks like. Take the time to think about that and understand. While I know, OP, that your partner cheated on you, it generally takes two (at least) to make for a wrecked relationship. You have to examine your part in things, not to punish yourself or take on guilt, but to look for learning opportunities. Remember, you can only control yourself, but insofar as that is true, you should do what you can to be part of better outcomes than what you've had.
I was married for 21 years (with the ex for 24 years total). I took almost 2 years before I even started dating! I had to get my head on straight first and it's still not completely sewed on after 6 years.
OP, I'm going to give you a food analogy. Do with it what you will.
I'm out of snacks in my pantry. I go to the store and buy a *ton of snacks. I get home and open ALL the bags because I want my dang snacks NOW and eat them all because I CAN.
Well, here you've got a point to make (to who?), but there are real human hearts involved. Tread lightly. Sounds like you want casual companionship. Let everyone know upfront where your head is at.
I started dating this summer, 18 months after my husband died. My feeling is that there's no expectation of exclusivity for the first few dates but after that you may want to ask the women you're dating what they think. After dates with 3 guys I met on-line which didn't get very far, I'm in one that we've both agreed will become physical (he's recovering from knee replacement- such is dating in your mid-60s). I really prefer to focus on one relationship at a time- I have a good, full life and more would be too much chaos. I also believe that if it's sexual it should be exclusive, but that's me.
Trouble is, neither he nor I have discussed this and bringing it up makes me feel like I'm back in HS and we're having a discussion about "going steady". Ick.
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