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Assuming there is something 'wrong', why not come up with a list of possibilities?
No need to publish them here, but jot down things that might be off-putting about your behavior or demeanor.
If it's worth changing, then you can do something proactive.
Some examples would be complaining, not smiling, staring off into space, checking your texts, etc....
The last guy broke up with me because he said I wasn't into fun stuff and I was too smart.
I knew someone who would say this (well for women he dated). Yes... he was very smart. What he didn't realize was that talking to him always felt competitive. He was a know-it-all and often had to be right. While yes he did have good things to contribute to discussions he did it in a manner that made everyone feel like he was talking down to them.
As for "fun stuff". Everyone has a different idea of what is fun. I'd say it is simply incompatibility. There doesn't have to be a reason or justification for a break up.
I'd also say you are still very young.... you have plenty of time. Look for different avenues and dating pools to play in. I often see people not venture outside their immediate dating pool that they are comfortable in (too heavy reliance on OLD in my opinion). It isn't any surprise when they keep running into the same type of incompatible people. Perhaps join a hobby or special interest group.... at the very least a couple of people already have a common interest so it is easy to break the ice.
In the beginning he behaved as if he was more like me than he truly was. He said it was to impress me but it seems like the wrong strategy.
But yes, that's what he told me: "I should have gotten to know you better first." And if I tell someone that wants to be in a relationship that I want to spend more time getting to know them it could end badly? They'll figure I'm not as into them as they are into me?
It's possible he won't be interesting in dating you any more if you tell him you want to spend more time getting to know him. But it depends on the situation. If you are dating the same person for months, he asks you to be in a relationship and you are still undecided, then yes, I do expect the guy to move on.
What do you need to know from guys before you decide you want to be in a relationship? You won't know everything, oftentimes it may just be a feeling that you like them and you can trust them.
It brings me back to my question, when you are on date are you talking about real things? Getting a sense of what you two want in both life and in a partner?
Honestly, I'm wondering if maybe these guys are getting more deeply involved with you, because you're attractive. Maybe they're the ones pushing to take the dating to the next level. You're going to go through a lot of emotional wear and tear if you allow that pattern to continue.
They do push things a lot. And I believe that they're serious and know that they want to be with me. On my end, I like being in a relationship vs dating without knowing where it's going. So I don't tell them to slow down. I don't want them to lose interest.
I've considered trying to make myself more plain because I don't want to attract guys who are only attracted to the superficial. But it's not natural to me.
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Originally Posted by Levels77
You said a lot of men show interest before they really get to know you and you find that disappointing. Why do you find it disappointing? I think that is a problem with your way of thinking that could be preventing you from getting in relationships.
Because I want them to know who I am before sleeping with me. I like the physical aspects of relationships but I want there to be something behind it.
In the beginning he behaved as if he was more like me than he truly was. He said it was to impress me but it seems like the wrong strategy.
But yes, that's what he told me: "I should have gotten to know you better first." And if I tell someone that wants to be in a relationship that I want to spend more time getting to know them it could end badly? They'll figure I'm not as into them as they are into me?
But he wasn't into you, except on a superficial level. So dating someone like that should "end badly". That's how you weed out unsuitable candidates. You come across to me as being needy of validation from these guys, so you go ahead and get sexually involved prematurely. But what does such superficial validation get you? Ultimately, nothing but self-doubt and disappointment.
YOU should be the one deciding if they're right for you. They should be doing the same, but many men don't think rationally when faced with an attractive woman like you. Their hormones do the thinking for them. So YOU need to be the one to put on the brakes. And if they're offended, or are in too much of a hurry, and leave, that's a good thing, OP. That's how the process is supposed to work. You (along with a lot of other women) want to find the guys, who are interested in getting to know you as a person, not as a pretty doll.
They do push things a lot. And I believe that they're serious and know that they want to be with me. On my end, I like being in a relationship vs dating without knowing where it's going. So I don't tell them to slow down. I don't want them to lose interest.
Because I want them to know who I am before sleeping with me. I like the physical aspects of relationships but I want there to be something behind it.
How can they know if they want to be with you, if they don't know you yet? All they know is, that they see a pretty doll they want to have. This is not the kind of interest you're looking for, ultimately, right? You want guys, who want to appreciate you on a deeper level. So let the superficial and pushy guys go. Why is that hard to do? If they're, as you say, "serious", they'll respect your need to get to know them better, and to provide time for them to get to know you better, too.
Y'all are wasting each other's time, as it stands now.
Assuming there is something 'wrong', why not come up with a list of possibilities?
I've tried but it can be so hard to see yourself and your flaws.
Quote:
Originally Posted by usayit
I knew someone who would say this (well for women he dated). Yes... he was very smart. What he didn't realize was that talking to him always felt competitive. He was a know-it-all and often had to be right. While yes he did have good things to contribute to discussions he did it in a manner that made everyone feel like he was talking down to them.
I really try not to argue and I do not talk down to people. With this guy he would become intimidated if I tried to talk about anything too deeply. He would say, "You think too much. Everything's not that deep".
Quote:
Perhaps join a hobby or special interest group.... at the very least a couple of people already have a common interest so it is easy to break the ice.
I've considered trying to make myself more plain because I don't want to attract guys who are only attracted to the superficial. But it's not natural to me.
Because I want them to know who I am before sleeping with me. I like the physical aspects of relationships but I want there to be something behind it.
This is what I thought was happening. If you read the advice given to single men who post here trying to meet someone, most of the replies encourage the guy to to approach a girl he finds attractive.
Often relationships starts with one person finding the other person attractive. Don't let that turn you off or make you think less of the guy. If he's never spoken to you before, how is he going to get to know you? If he's approaching you, assume he wants to get to know you.
Physical attraction its not as superficial as some would think. If you are put together in your outward appearances, it is a strong bet you are put together in other aspects of your life. It suggests that you look after your health and you pay attention to your body. Those are very appealing traits.
I would advice you be more trusting of these guys who are approaching you and show interest. Believe that they want to get to know you. It only starts with attraction. Allow them to get to know you without thinking in your mind that they are being superficial because they like how you look.
I wish you the best. I'm sure you'll find someone. I had a period where I changed my looks and I got a lot of attention from guys and I really couldn't handle it. I usually wear contacts but to make myself look more plain I would deliberately wear my glasses thinking it would make me look less appealing. I couldn't handle getting on a bus and feeling like men were staring at me or smiling at me and I was wearing nothing provocative.
I wasn't really interested in dating at that phase of my life but if I was I could see how I would feel like the men who approached me were just like the others who would stare or smile at me.
I didn't meet my partner until my mid 30s and mostly dated (no real relationships) all of my 20s.
It's possible he won't be interesting in dating you any more if you tell him you want to spend more time getting to know him. But it depends on the situation. If you are dating the same person for months, he asks you to be in a relationship and you are still undecided, then yes, I do expect the guy to move on.
After a few months, I would know.
Quote:
What do you need to know from guys before you decide you want to be in a relationship? You won't know everything, oftentimes it may just be a feeling that you like them and you can trust them.
I want to know who they are (what drives them, what their perspective on life is), what their goals are, and if I can put my trust in them.
Quote:
It brings me back to my question, when you are on date are you talking about real things? Getting a sense of what you two want in both life and in a partner?
Yes. I usually ask a lot of questions even before the date. So if a guy gives me his number I'll usually talk to him on the phone, text him, etc to get a better sense of him before we even date.
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It's disappointing, because she's hoping they'd be interested in getting to know her as a person, but they're only viewing her as a body. 
