Please stop telling loney people who complain to get help

[Katnan]

Originally Posted by old_cold

Way too often, posters will mention things like social anxiety, depression, even severe depression sometimes, and patterns of picking partners who were abusers.
What else can or should be done except suggest professional help, be it a doctor or therapist?

The ones on here that act as if they have the capability to provide such help really don't.

That is one of the real downsides of the internet, that people who very obviously need help won't get it because they have online outlets to vent and complain but not actually do anything productive to improve.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by Liberty2011

That is one of the real downsides of the internet, that people who very obviously need help won't get it because they have online outlets to vent and complain but not actually do anything productive to improve.

I'm not sure that 25 years ago it was better, when there wasn't anywhere to vent. Perhaps it was better in that they didn't find like minded people so easily to re-enforce their negativity, but there may be some benefit in just being able to vent.


I often wonder if the internet was like it is now in, say, 95, would I have just kept my negativity online instead of venting to friends who practiced the tough love I needed to push me to get the help I needed to treat my depression and maladaptive thinking practices.

[homina12]

Originally Posted by timberline742

Lots of therapists aren't a good fit. No doubt. It's like dating in that only you may have to meet several to find the right one for you.

I have been to a therapist since I started posting here 6 years ago. Finding a therapist was very much like dating. Including, for me anyway, finding a good fit when I went on feel more than staying rigidly within some of the criteria I started with. And since the process was mostly online, though I've never done online dating, it felt very much like what people describe.

I talked to three people before deciding to continue with one. Of the two I did not choose to see, one seemed plenty competent and suited for some people but not right for me, and the other didn't seem right for anyone, so more parallels.

[homina12]

Originally Posted by Liberty2011

That is one of the real downsides of the internet, that people who very obviously need help won't get it because they have online outlets to vent and complain but not actually do anything productive to improve.

Originally Posted by timberline742

I'm not sure that 25 years ago it was better, when there wasn't anywhere to vent. Perhaps it was better in that they didn't find like minded people so easily to re-enforce their negativity, but there may be some benefit in just being able to vent.


I often wonder if the internet was like it is now in, say, 95, would I have just kept my negativity online instead of venting to friends who practiced the tough love I needed to push me to get the help I needed to treat my depression and maladaptive thinking practices.

Sadly, I think the less emotionally healthy the person is, the more at risk they are for their online efforts doing more harm than good, either through being a poor substitute for real intervention, or through the echo chamber effect of finding like minded people they'd never encounter otherwise. Someone with some stability but who is struggling can use a forum like this in a healthy way, sifting through responses and choosing whether any seem potentially helpful. So being open minded while still thinking critically.

And Timberline, the thing that always comes to mind when you talk about your friends doing tough love with you is that they were your friends, and that you had that foundation of trust with them. That's not really the case here 95% of the time, and so I that's why I often express a bit of skepticism when you take a tough love sort of approach here. My 2 cents that I feel odd expressing in a thread where this dynamic is actually playing out, because I may be wrong.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by homina12

And Timberline, the thing that always comes to mind when you talk about your friends doing tough love with you is that they were your friends, and that you had that foundation of trust with them. That's not really the case here 95% of the time, and so I that's why I'm often express a bit of skepticism when you take a tough love sort of approach here. My 2 cents that I never feel odd expressing in a thread where this dynamic is actually playing out, because I may be wrong.

You're absolutely correct on the difference, and I totally understand your point, but I don't know how else to really help a person who is struggling the way I struggled. I'm not a professional therapist who likely has a larger toolbox (one would hope) to work with different personalities/mentalities. I mean, that's why so many people suggest therapy, or speaking to one's friends about these issues. In lieu of those recommendations, I try to act as a surrogate friend and provide the most constructive advice I can, which often is tough love.

[Wellstone]

For those who don’t believe in therapy, you probably have not found the right therapist. Also realize that what you get out of it is directly related to what you put into it. You have to spill your guts and really get to the roots of why you feel like garbage, don’t hold anything back. There is almost always something in your sub conscience from earlier in life that causes a person to feel the way they do, or have generally low self esteem. That was my experience, I wish I knew then what I know now, then maybe I wouldn’t have gone through my teens and early 20’s feeling so miserable.

I saw a few therapists when I was young and never gave them anything to work with, so of course they didn’t help me much. I think the most important thing is to be open and honest with yourself and to close friends. The support people need is out there if you’re willing to communicate. Otherwise you’ll just be a victim and go through life feeling miserable and sorry for yourself.