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Thanks in advance for reading this very long posting.
My girlfriend (now ex-?) and I just broke up despite the fact that neither of us wanted to.
We were (and still are) incredibly in love. We both saw our relationship as the best we've ever had. We were devoted and committed to each other. Every aspect of our relationship was as perfect as could be. We fell in love quickly and basically I moved into her place and spent easily five out of seven days a week at her place. Our sex life was awesome. We repeatedly told each other that the ours was the love of each of our lives. In the eight months we were together we never had a real fight. We disagreed but never a real fight. We just enjoyed being with each other. Our love was so easy and so fulfilling. We would tell each other that we've never been happier than we are right then. That no one ever made each of us happier. No one was a better lover. We really felt like soulmates and that it felt like we knew the other person forever. This truly was an ideal pairing
Now the kicker. There's a substantial age difference between us. I'm the older one. I won't go into details but this wasn't something utilitarian. We were in it because we were in love. We didn't "use" each other. We shared in the decision making. I deferred to her as often as she did to me. There wasn't a maturity gap - she and I were on the same page in almost everything except things that could be labeled generational, but we shared with each other and it became one of the things we valued the most. Her friends all accepted me and my friends did the same.
However, her parents, especially her mom, objected - vehemently. Her mom constantly said rude and nasty things to her (you can imagine what) and her dad said downright disgusting things to her. I met her dad but not her mom. Her mom flat out refused to meet me saying she had no interest.
So here's the crux of the situation. She would always tell me that the only person she loved more than me was her mom, but of course that's a different kind of love. But, notwithstanding her family was paramount and she couldn't go through life without her mom especially because of our age gap. That is, she always worried that if she became estranged from her family and something ended up causing our relationship to end, she would have no one to lean on. Despite that we often thought about leaving our state and staring anew somewhere else, but she decided she really needed her family.
Back in early December we said to me that she wanted a break so she could work on her mom. It was so incredibly painful. Neither of us wanted to leave. It was so emotional for both of us. The pain was real. I cried a lot. She says she cried non-stop the whole weekend. After two days we talked and ended up back together again. We agreed that she would work on things with her mom while we stayed together.
Well, a month later and her mom basically won't listen. She has repeated told her how much she loves me but her mom is so against us (ageist) that it caused so much anxiety in my girlfriend that she got violently sick. Then on Thursday she called her dad and he said some of the most vile and disgusting things to her that she couldn't take it.
She sat down on the bed and told me she couldn't be with me. It was the worst thing she's ever done. She cried incessantly. I was shell shocked. Packed up my things. Gave her a weak hug. Told her I loved her and left.
She's told me by text that she's cried almost constantly and so much that her eyes are swollen shut. She's sick with pain.
I'm the same way.
This is such a cruel cruel thing. Two people who are so in love forced to separate because of something we can't control and because other people cannot bend their minds and hearts enough to at least try to accept the love we have.
So my question is simple. Should I try to work with my girlfriend to get to some place where we can stay together? Or should I start the painful process of getting over her? When we took our break back in December she told me she was sure our paths would cross again. She told me on Thursday that she still wanted me in her life. But the pain of being "friends" is too hard for me.
I think where she's at in her mind is that if there was a way she'd try. But I'm not sure.
I would love anyone's objective advice. Thanks again for reading this very long posting.
I don't see you as having any power in the situation. Not sure why on an anonymous board you left out the most important thing: age. If she's 21 and you're over 40, well, I can see the parents' issue. If she is 30 and you're 50, that's a bit different.
No point in asking for advice if you leave out the most critical piece of information.
I don't see you as having any power in the situation. Not sure why on an anonymous board you left out the most important thing: age. If she's 21 and you're over 40, well, I can see the parents' issue. If she is 30 and you're 50, that's a bit different.
No point in asking for advice if you leave out the most critical piece of information.
First of all, her parents sound abusive. I know you haven't quoted them directly but I can use my imagination and no woman should have to put up with that type of demeaning language from anyone, let alone her parents.
Does she live with them or is she otherwise financially dependent on them? That might make it harder to detach.
As for her concerns that she needs to allow for the possibility of needing her parents' support if your relationship breaks up- what type of support would she get? I can just imagine the "I told you so's". And is there any guarantee that they'd like the next guy?
I'm sorry both of you are going through this. Your friend has to choose between you and her parents and she's made her choice although I don't think they're great parents. Had you discussed the issues the age difference creates? When I was 50, I married a dear man who was 65 but at least there was no issue about whether or not to have children. Predictably, I outlived him; he died 2 years ago at age 78. Do you think she would be able to handle the very likely scenario of you slowing down earlier, probably dying first, maybe even leaving her with a child to raise? I knew what I was getting into and I'd marry him all over again, but the age difference does present difficulties.
When you truly love someone, their happiness becomes more important to you than being together. The acrimony with her family is making her unhappy. For you to continue to pursue the relationship at this point would be purely selfish. If it's meant to be, you will eventually be together, but right now she has made it clear that she wants and needs to focus on her family relationships. She also needs space to consider her options and choices free from your influence. Consider that giving her that space is the most loving thing you can do.
First of all, her parents sound abusive. I know you haven't quoted them directly but I can use my imagination and no woman should have to put up with that type of demeaning language from anyone, let alone her parents.
Does she live with them or is she otherwise financially dependent on them? That might make it harder to detach.
As for her concerns that she needs to allow for the possibility of needing her parents' support if your relationship breaks up- what type of support would she get? I can just imagine the "I told you so's". And is there any guarantee that they'd like the next guy?
I'm sorry both of you are going through this. Your friend has to choose between you and her parents and she's made her choice although I don't think they're great parents. Had you discussed the issues the age difference creates? When I was 50, I married a dear man who was 65 but at least there was no issue about whether or not to have children. Predictably, I outlived him; he died 2 years ago at age 78. Do you think she would be able to handle the very likely scenario of you slowing down earlier, probably dying first, maybe even leaving her with a child to raise? I knew what I was getting into and I'd marry him all over again, but the age difference does present difficulties.
Thanks so ,much for the reply. Her mom really loves her and she loves her mom. As I said, she's told me over and over that the only person she loves more than me is her mom. From what she tells me her mom is not abusive. She's supportive of my gf except in this one thing.
Her dad is another story. Her mom and dad are divorced. Her dad is basically a misfit. He doesn't have a real job. He goes from state to state finding short term work. He's an alcoholic and he's the abusive one (verbally). She's told me the vile things he says, but the last one was what caused her to move to break up. He basically said something like "how's grandpa? Gee. if I knew you were into old geezers I might have help take care of your needs."
She fights back of course, telling him to stop being rude, but the pressure and anxiety that her mom and dad generate is so difficult she decide on the break up. BTW her step dad doesn't know about this. She doesn't really get along with him so it doesn't matter. Some of her cousins know about us and they're supportive. But none of her aunts and uncles know.
And that's why I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't move on. But just wait it out?
She's tried to stand up to her. She's an only child so she doesn't have siblings to rely on.
She doesn't need siblings to rely on. She has to stand on her own to be able to live a life of her choice, and if she isn't willing to face the consequences that can come with establishing emotional boundaries as an adult child or she doesn't know how to do that, then she won't be a good partner for you regardless.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x703jko
I understand what you're saying. But she knows how she feels. She's just as hurt as I am.
Yes, I'm sure. And I would suggest that she thinks she knows how she feels. But I'm not sure that's true. She probably mainly wants the conflict to stop, but she's been loyal to her parents longer than she's been loyal to you, and I bet most of what she's feeling now is a combination of guilt and resentment. She has to work on her relationship with her parents in order to be an emotionally healthy adult.
Quote:
Originally Posted by x703jko
Are you suggesting I wait and see or start moving on?
Well, you aren't in a position to wait and see, because this is not something that can be fixed quickly.
If y'all are so perfect for each other, WHY exactly are her parents SO opposed to you? Why can they not see that? Is her mom, who is probably about your age or even a bit younger, just a narcissist? Or is there something about you and your situation that worries them?
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