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Old 01-26-2019, 06:58 AM
 
3,926 posts, read 2,011,113 times
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Oh I got a good one for ya. I knew a guy and a gal that was dating from a Meetup. Both in their 40s, she was going through a divorce for quite a while. He was legitimately single. As soon as she divorced, she dumped his ass and just went into a DATING relationship with her now ex-husband.

You have no idea what level of F-ed up that was. She FINALLY becomes LEGITIMATELY single, and dumps the legitimately single boyfriend to date her ex. You can't make this crap up! lol
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Old 01-26-2019, 11:41 AM
 
Location: Columbia SC
14,190 posts, read 14,546,848 times
Reputation: 21994
I would only consider marrying a divorced person if they have been divorced a few years and had a fling or two after their divorce before we met. They had little to no involvement with former spouse. No children at home. Had a good paying job. Not emotional. Not on any type of mind altering drugs. Social drinker. Likes sex. Size 12 or less dress. Premenopausal.

If not looking to marry or live with them then only social drinker, likes sex, size 12 or less dress, and premenopausal matters

Did I miss anything?
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Old 01-26-2019, 12:18 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
2,919 posts, read 2,553,765 times
Reputation: 5282
Default Similarities

Quote:
Originally Posted by CindyRoos View Post
Every situation is different. My divorce was just final 10 days ago. I filed in September 2018. I didn't fight about anything and I walked away with nothing for many reasons. It comes down to my happiness was worth more than money. I was not happy for the last 5 years of my marriage and my heart moved long before my body left the house when I finally walked out on Sept 2nd. My reason for not doing it sooner is fear of many things. Running into an old friend of mine from 35 years ago made me realize I had to swallow that fear and do something about my situation before I got any older. That old friend of mine turned out to now be my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier! He was there for me when I was tearful and all of that but he knows he is not a rebound relationship. Looking back now these last few months made me realize he just came along at the perfect time and gave me the courage to take that leap of faith in myself.
So, everyone has there own story. I would not want to meet someone who is the middle of a messy divorce with young children and all. That would be very stressful for sure.
Good luck on your future

Cindy,

Our situation is similar to yours in that we were old friends who reconnected as well. We reconnected after 10 years. We didn't run into each other in the physical sense but out of the blue he emailed me to say "hi Klassyhk (he used my real name)" and that was it. I was in the midst of solo traveling (even though I care for solo travel) across the country (to several states) and check messages as a perfunctory habit before hitting the road. Boy was I shocked to see his name in my inbox because I hadn't thought about him for over a decade. I simply responded to his greeting with "hey John Doe! How are you?" From our innocuous contact sprang a phone conversation (very short because by then I was in another state and my flight had started boarding). Nevertheless, the brief friendly chat on the phone sealed the deal because it seemed as our friendship had never been disrupted. The time gap closed considerably. The difference between this time and previously is that we're both more mature and life-seasoned. Unbelievable chain of events and shows that you can't control life; you can only control your response to it.

You're right that everyone has their own story in this type of situation.
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Old 01-26-2019, 12:29 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
2,919 posts, read 2,553,765 times
Reputation: 5282
Default Didn't miss a thing

Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
I would only consider marrying a divorced person if they have been divorced a few years and had a fling or two after their divorce before we met. They had little to no involvement with former spouse. No children at home. Had a good paying job. Not emotional. Not on any type of mind altering drugs. Social drinker. Likes sex. Size 12 or less dress. Premenopausal.

If not looking to marry or live with them then only social drinker, likes sex, size 12 or less dress, and premenopausal matters

Did I miss anything?
Lol.
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Old 01-29-2019, 09:25 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
2,919 posts, read 2,553,765 times
Reputation: 5282
Default Worked with a couple like this

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123 View Post
Oh I got a good one for ya. I knew a guy and a gal that was dating from a Meetup. Both in their 40s, she was going through a divorce for quite a while. He was legitimately single. As soon as she divorced, she dumped his ass and just went into a DATING relationship with her now ex-husband.

You have no idea what level of F-ed up that was. She FINALLY becomes LEGITIMATELY single, and dumps the legitimately single boyfriend to date her ex. You can't make this crap up! lol

I worked with a husband and wife many moons ago that had this experience except it was the husband that had the GF. Shortly after his wife divorced him, he quit the GF and went back to the wife. He did it twice but I'm not sure it was due a GF both times. This couple are now in their third marriage to each other. Looks like it's going to stick this time as its going on 15 yrs this go-round and they're both much older now.
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Old 01-29-2019, 09:37 PM
 
30,855 posts, read 36,746,227 times
Reputation: 34384
Quote:
Originally Posted by Klassyhk View Post
A person who was in my past (over 10 years ago) reconnected with me recently. We initially met back when we were both younger and single. We drifted apart due to life happening. He got married, had child(ren) and I lived my life as a single (no children). Now, we've crossed paths again and hit it off while catching up on each other lives.

He told me upfront that he was going through a divorce. I accepted his word on face value (not long ago it was common to hear of married man telling a single woman he's interested in that he's going through a divorce). He has been vetted and I found out that he has been honest with me. The issue I have is that I'm affected by what is affecting him which is his "divorce proceedings and issues". It involves me to the extent that we're involved.

Although it's only been a short time, I enjoy him in my life and potentially can see a future with him. However, I don't like feeling like I'm "that person" sitting on the sideline waiting for someone else's marriage to die officially (divorce). I would never want that to happen to me when I marry.

Additional info in case it's helpful to this discussion: He filed for the divorce, not her and he shared that she has done everything over the past 1.5 yrs to delay the proceedings. I feel sad about any marriage ending. Marriages are supposed to be until death although I know "life happens" and things don't always work out like the ideal version does. Thinking back on when we reconnected, now I wish I would have told him to call me back after his divorce is finalized - but it's too late for that at this point.

Looking for advice from those who have dated someone who was going through a divorce. Or, a divorcee who started before your divorce was finalized. What takeaways from the experience can you share? Would you recommend a person in the midst of divorce proceedings date? Shouldn't they wait so that they don't get another people caught up in their legal and emotional issues of this magnitude?
Honestly, the divorce proceedings are likely just the beginning. Once kids are involved, you're never truly divorced.
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Old 01-29-2019, 10:29 PM
 
9,333 posts, read 6,870,607 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Klassyhk View Post
Thanks to all who've responded. I've literally have learned something from every post.

The update: Since I've started this thread, the mediation (it took several to get to this point) is over. The divorce has finally been agreed to by both parties. He said the legal decree granting their free status should be received in the mail within the next two weeks. How do I feel? Believe it or not, I'm experiencing a mix of emotions sometimes going from one extreme to the other. I've been encouraged by a few posters that it's not all doom, gloom, and relationship failure dating someone going through a divorce. However, those persons are few and far in between. It seems that the majority needed time, at least a year, before they were ready to date and marry again. I've noticed he's more pensive, quiet, and moody. That's to be expected, in my opinion. I don't ask questions, I let him share with me whatever he chooses of his own volition. One thing I've always liked about him is his honesty - even when it was things that I didn't want to hear. I respect the fact that he was not lying about the divorce happening.

On the other than, all I can say is, never again. I will ask to see the divorce decree up front or the man can keep walking to the next woman for all I care. This situation has put me on a wave of emotions of sorts, too. Over the course of a day, I go from one of these feelings to the other:

- Sadness about a failed marriage even though it wasn't my marriage. I can't imagine what they must be going through. I think of my saddest break up and then remember being told a broken marriage is worse than any relationship breakup.

- Annoyance that he contacted me while he was in the midst of this process instead of year after it was over.

- Mixed feelings regarding whether I should pull back from him and let our friendship die a quiet, slow death out of concern that he needs time to deal with the psychological aftermath of divorce - at least a year seems to be the consensus. He hasn't said this to me but the finalization of the divorce literally just happened so he may not be sure himself at this juncture what he needs.

- Concern for him. If it were me, I'd definitely want support of someone that I could potentially see a future with. I care about him to NOT want to abandon him but by that same token, I'm thinking but where does this put me? Being there for a friend is important but being unable to start building a good foundation for a relationship comprised of two emotionally healthy people, is where this puts me.

- Feeling awkward when talking to him because of not knowing what to say and not wanting to say the wrong thing. (Ex: "Oh, I'm so sorry your marriage didn't work out, bless your heart" or "Excellent! Now that's out of the way - you & I can get on with our life together".) Not wanting to seem insensitive or indifferent toward the situation at this delicate time.

- Not wanting him to think that I "feel sorry for him" even though I do. Most men I know hate being pitied especially by a woman they're attracted to and want a relationship with.

- To be honest, now that the decree is finalized, he may realize that he's not ready for a relationship at this time and rethinking everything he's been through in his marriage. Guess it remains to be seen.
I’ve read this thread multiple times and I’m still trying to find a single thing this guy has done wrong? His divorce took forever so what.

It reads like you have a ton of feelings about his relationship and the hang ups are on your end.

Please summarize if I missed something where he actually deserves any of this scrutiny!
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Old 01-30-2019, 02:58 AM
 
1,158 posts, read 948,456 times
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I dated someone going through a divorce 20 years ago. Although I loved this person very much and wanted to get married to him things did not work out.

At the time it seemed really quite simple. He had married his high school girlfriend (who turned out to be a lesbian). He told me the marriage had been dead for a long time and they were divorcing. They has been married for 7 years and together for 10 and had no children.

It wasn't that simple. It took several years for their divorce to be resolved. He struggled with tremendous depression. Another poster said it best -- drama, drama, drama. Our relationship failed.

In hindsight, what I underestimated was the very real emotional toll divorce takes. There are very real feelings of grief and loss when any relationship ends. The guy I was with was quite sensitive. It is a process.

Experts estimate for every 5-7 years a person is married it takes on average a year to process the divorce. A year might not be enough if the marriage was lengthy. Statistically second marriages fail 70% of the time.

I would never get emotionally invested in someone that was separated or divorcing again whose divorce was not final and had not worked through the grief process. I think had we waited to begin our romantic relationship once he had processed his feelings our relationship would have had a different outcome.

Anytime someone has children, although the divorce is "final" they are still tied to their ex for life due to the kids. All the unresolved issues from the marriage linger.

Last edited by Angie682; 01-30-2019 at 03:16 AM..
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Old 02-01-2019, 12:47 AM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
2,919 posts, read 2,553,765 times
Reputation: 5282
Default At the time...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SWFL_Native View Post
I’ve read this thread multiple times and I’m still trying to find a single thing this guy has done wrong? His divorce took forever so what.

It reads like you have a ton of feelings about his relationship and the hang ups are on your end.

Please summarize if I missed something where he actually deserves any of this scrutiny!
When I first started the thread, he said that he was in the midst of divorcing as they'd had 3 mediations (sp) already but the wife no-showed. There was a mediation coming up. Since I've never been divorced (nor married for that matter), I didn't know what a mediation was, and didn't know how long a divorce would take to be completed. I didn't want to be involved with a married man because I felt that would be a waste of my time as he wouldn't be able to progress in a relationship with me if he's tied up emotionally dealing with a divorce from his wife. Morally, I didn't feel comfortable dating him until the papers legally declared him single.

The lasts mediation took place recently, the wife showed up, and both agreed to the terms. So, there is no longer the moral issue for me.

After reading what people said here, I then became concerned about his emotional health thinking he'll be sad or depressed and would need at least a yr to heal from the divorce. Especially when he was uncharacteristically quiet and pensive after the mediation was over. However, at this point, its been almost two weeks and there no more signs of continued pensiveness or quiet reserve. Things are going well with us.
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Old 02-01-2019, 08:02 AM
 
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,497,398 times
Reputation: 7608
I am going through a divorce now myself. If I said people shouldn't date someone who is...I'd be shooting myself in the foot! :P But to be serious, it's a throw of the dice in any relationship. You can meet a bad guy in a divorce, you can meet a bad guy online & you can meet a bad guy at the grocery store. You can also meet a good guy in all of those places. If you don't try, you'll never know. What's a few months of dating to find out?
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