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Old 01-21-2019, 06:57 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
1,784 posts, read 1,463,033 times
Reputation: 2763

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A person who was in my past (over 10 years ago) reconnected with me recently. We initially met back when we were both younger and single. We drifted apart due to life happening. He got married, had child(ren) and I lived my life as a single (no children). Now, we've crossed paths again and hit it off while catching up on each other lives.

He told me upfront that he was going through a divorce. I accepted his word on face value (not long ago it was common to hear of married man telling a single woman he's interested in that he's going through a divorce). He has been vetted and I found out that he has been honest with me. The issue I have is that I'm affected by what is affecting him which is his "divorce proceedings and issues". It involves me to the extent that we're involved.

Although it's only been a short time, I enjoy him in my life and potentially can see a future with him. However, I don't like feeling like I'm "that person" sitting on the sideline waiting for someone else's marriage to die officially (divorce). I would never want that to happen to me when I marry.

Additional info in case it's helpful to this discussion: He filed for the divorce, not her and he shared that she has done everything over the past 1.5 yrs to delay the proceedings. I feel sad about any marriage ending. Marriages are supposed to be until death although I know "life happens" and things don't always work out like the ideal version does. Thinking back on when we reconnected, now I wish I would have told him to call me back after his divorce is finalized - but it's too late for that at this point.

Looking for advice from those who have dated someone who was going through a divorce. Or, a divorcee who started before your divorce was finalized. What takeaways from the experience can you share? Would you recommend a person in the midst of divorce proceedings date? Shouldn't they wait so that they don't get another people caught up in their legal and emotional issues of this magnitude?
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Old 01-21-2019, 07:03 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,941 posts, read 20,306,460 times
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Terrible idea. If you see a future, you’re fooling yourself. Stand clear till the divorce has been settled for a year or more. He’s just looking for a distraction right now.
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Old 01-21-2019, 07:07 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,323 posts, read 8,743,794 times
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Yes - I don't even know how much before we started dating that he started divorce proceedings. But...it seemed to be going too slowly in my mind and in addition to it being a bit of an LDR, I broke it off. If wasn't because it was "too soon" for him, as far as I could tell.

He did end up getting the divorce but I think it may have been a year after our relationship ended. He certainly wasn't stringing me along but it wasn't an ideal situation.

So some of the major factors that are possible, but not necessarily issues, in my opinion:
  1. They aren't actually getting divorced - it's a lie
  2. It's too soon for them to be in a dating relationship and you'll end up being the rebound
  3. It can affect the timeline of your relationship if the divorce is complicated or they can't "publicize" your relationship due to custody or other money issues that aren't settled yet.
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Old 01-21-2019, 07:07 PM
 
4,094 posts, read 1,632,942 times
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from the OP....
"What takeaways from the experience can you share?"
do not take him at his word. (or hers. history)
"Would you recommend a person in the midst of divorce proceedings date?"
never. not once. do not do this.
"Shouldn't they wait so that they don't get another people caught up in their legal and emotional issues of this magnitude?"
that is their choice. not yours.
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Old 01-21-2019, 07:22 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
1,784 posts, read 1,463,033 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
Terrible idea. If you see a future, you’re fooling yourself. Stand clear till the divorce has been settled for a year or more. He’s just looking for a distraction right now.
Thx.
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Old 01-21-2019, 07:26 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
1,784 posts, read 1,463,033 times
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Default Ok

Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Yes - I don't even know how much before we started dating that he started divorce proceedings. But...it seemed to be going too slowly in my mind and in addition to it being a bit of an LDR, I broke it off. If wasn't because it was "too soon" for him, as far as I could tell.

He did end up getting the divorce but I think it may have been a year after our relationship ended. He certainly wasn't stringing me along but it wasn't an ideal situation.

So some of the major factors that are possible, but not necessarily issues, in my opinion:
  1. They aren't actually getting divorced - it's a lie
  2. It's too soon for them to be in a dating relationship and you'll end up being the rebound
  3. It can affect the timeline of your relationship if the divorce is complicated or they can't "publicize" your relationship due to custody or other money issues that aren't settled yet.

In this case, the divorce is actually happening (latest legal meeting has already occurred in 2019) so it's not going too slowly for me. I definitely hear your other two points, though.
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Old 01-21-2019, 07:32 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
1,784 posts, read 1,463,033 times
Reputation: 2763
Default Are you saying all who are divorcing can't be trusted?

Quote:
Originally Posted by turkeydance View Post
from the OP....
"What takeaways from the experience can you share?"
do not take him at his word. (or hers. history)
"Would you recommend a person in the midst of divorce proceedings date?"
never. not once. do not do this.
"Shouldn't they wait so that they don't get another people caught up in their legal and emotional issues of this magnitude?"
that is their choice. not yours.
Turkeydance,

Are you saying to not take a divorcing person at their word? Or, to not take a divorcing MAN at his word? Is it a gender thing for you?

I ask because I know several women who've divorced recently or going through the proceedings and they honestly got divorced / are honestly divorcing.
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Old 01-21-2019, 07:49 PM
 
Location: Emerald Coast, FL
5,329 posts, read 8,444,755 times
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I've dated women going through a divorce, and I dated while going through my own (which I initiated). Every situation is different, and IMO should be taken on its individual merits. Some people in divorce proceedings are not ready to date, but others are, and can be great prospects if you are patient. You do have to decide what to do, what to believe, but that's also true for dating single people, or those who have long been divorced. It is the individual you should evaluate, not necessarily their status.
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Old 01-21-2019, 08:57 PM
 
Location: NE Mississippi
13,977 posts, read 8,784,518 times
Reputation: 20397
Quote:
Have You Dated a Person Going Thru a Divorce or Dated While Divorcing?
No, but a funny thing happened to be some years back.
I was standing in a bar and a woman walked up to me. "How old are you", she asked.
"I'm 42"
"Well, would you like to dance"?
"Jeez! How old ya gotta be??"
And her thing was, if you are standing around in a bar and you are less than 40, you are either cheating on your wife or recently divorced and she had heard enough from those types. She didn't want to hear it any more. Didn't want to hear a bunch of lies and didn't want to hear how the guy was losing everything to someone who was "lazy or crazy".
She was nice. Can't remember her name.
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Old 01-21-2019, 09:29 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
1,784 posts, read 1,463,033 times
Reputation: 2763
Default This resonates

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude View Post
I've dated women going through a divorce, and I dated while going through my own (which I initiated). Every situation is different, and IMO should be taken on its individual merits. Some people in divorce proceedings are not ready to date, but others are, and can be great prospects if you are patient. You do have to decide what to do, what to believe, but that's also true for dating single people, or those who have long been divorced. It is the individual you should evaluate, not necessarily their status.
TaoistDude,

Your post really resonates with me. At the end of the day, I agree that a person should be taken on individual merit. If I was in that situation, I'd want to be evaluated as individual and not on what all "men" or all "women" do because there are always exceptions to the rule. Thank you for responding.

One additional question for you, having gone through the experience and now past it, looking back do you think that you should have waited until you've been legally divorced for a certain length of time (say 1 year) before dating again? Was it fair to the person(s) you were dating that you were not really emotionally over the divorce (if that was the case) being that you were still going through it?


P.S - I'm not discarding any responses to this question from people who have been in this situation because I believe that there is something to be learned from almost all experiences shared. Even if it's what not to do.
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