Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I was a gleeful participant in the sexual revolution in the 1970s. I lost count of the number of men I was with. No drugs (except I "inhaled" on occasion), never got pregnant, no trouble with the law. I am now almost 66 and a practicing Christian with two marriages behind me, one ending in divorce and one when my second husband died. Except for one lapse when the first marriage was going down in flames, I was a good and faithful wife during 2 13-year marriages. Who would have thought it given my track record, right? So much for Dr. Phil's "Predictor".
Your post moved me because when I look back I see that many of my relationship choices were men who weren't good enough because I thought *I* wasn't good enough, Why would any decent man want used merchandise? So, I'd latch onto guys with no ambition who would let me pick up the check, and one guy who was sleeping with me one night and his HS sweetheart the next, but punched his fist through a wall when I told him I'd been with another guy. I was so blind I didn't see the hypocrisy.
Value what you are now. Even the bad stuff is part of what got you here. Do NOT let a man put you down because of it. If he torments you with it or wants all the gory details, leave. My first husband would occasionally remind me of my past, but then he knew it was a sore point and liked pushing people's buttons. My second husband was a dear man who loved me as I was and trusted me- with very good reason. We were together a total of 20 years and I was never even tempted by another man.
Set your standards high. Find someone who treats you well. If your current BF can't deal with the truth, move on. It's his loss.
So so so so true. Amen.
OP, become the kind of girl that gets the kind of guy you want. Make a list, and say it out to the universe. Saying it out loud puts it into the realm of reality, and helps you to be accountable to yourself.
You know, I come back to this post for these two sentences.
I think perhaps you should devote less time to finding a relationship and more time to finding reasons to like yourself.
Here's the thing. We have all made mistakes in life. There's not a single one among us that doesn't have a past. And those who don't have a past are likely not all that interesting. Know that and gain some perspective. It's very easy to to think you are bad and every one else is good. But that isn't the case.
The bolded part is what I'd like to address, for it speaks to low self-esteem on your part. People who are confident in their own skin and feel good about who they are don't put themselves in those kinds of relationships. Or if they unexpectedly find themselves with someone isn't what they thought they were, they walk away. For if you are emotionally healthy, it's far better to not be in a relationship than to be in one where you are abused either physically or emotionally.
The first step then isn't the immediate question of what you tell this guy and when. The true first step here is understanding what is good about yourself and then understanding what has fed your past missteps. In truth, you're likely making different variations on the same fundamental mistake in your relationships time after time. With this in mind, confronting whatever mindset is causing this would be a constructive thing to do.
There are people on this board who lack the nerve or the strength to do this, and so they come back here time and again with the same basic problem. They will never find the happiness they want because they disguise their weakness with cynicism. Don't be one of those people.
Instead, cultivate the strength to change. It will feed your sense of self and, ultimately, make for a happier relationship sometime in your future.
I'm sorry but i dont think thats true. All kinds of ppl get into bad relationships. I read a book, it was a true story, about a woman who was really smarted and educated and had a lot going for her and even she ended up in a bad relationship with abuse. When my mom would end up in the woman shelters we would go wit her and even thge counselors there said that rich woman would be there, poor women, educated women etc. All kinds. Even confident ppl, like you are saying. I am a confident person but that doesnt mean I dont get scared that my past will happen again. Thats dumb. I try to accept it & stay aware of it BECAUSE i have been abused. Bad relationships happen to ppl with good esteem and bad esteem. I'm sorry but you are wrong in this case.
To be fair, Daisy... the poster is talking about being emotionally healthy, and making choices based on that. One's wealth or educated status doesn't preclude them from domestic violence or making bad choices. A person may appear to be confident, but it doesn't mean they are. And yes, even bad relationships can happen to those that are (or appear) to be with good or high confidence. The whole point was being emotionally healthy, you'd have some foresight (like seeing red flags for example) and acceptance of being able to walk away from what that (could) develop into unhealthy situation. So no, that poster isn't wrong.
And actually the advice is very good, especially for you. You used to say you wanted to get into law school. A profession like that would require that the person have the ability to make effective and objective arguments and debates. Slinging your "past" and trying to shame you should tell you a lot about the person that's doing it. It should be a red flag and you need to be ok with walking away if the person isn't willing to change that behavior after making it clear that kind of low blow isn't accepted.
You mentioned being scared... all that poster was trying to do is encourage you to overcome it and engage in healthy behaviors. To overcome fear is to understand and accept it then change what triggered it.
There are things in my life (and anyone's) that is my own business and you are not necessarily entitled to know them. Some things affect a particular relationship and others have, or should have, no impact because they are irrelevant. Sorry, not everyone is entitled to every detail of my life. I'll never give you my passwords either, and I won't ask for yours.
What is YOUR secret? ...just playing devil's advocate, of course.
“They” are not irrelevant if “they” are causing serious doubts, personal conflict or worry over involving others.
I understand the hill your attempting to die on here, but as it relates to the OP this is not something she can just forget about and move on from. She’s having a personal dilemma caused by a past she has yet to come to terms with in a way that allows her to move on.
OP. If you haven’t please consider seeking a professional you can talk through these feelings with and where they may come from. These “other people” don’t matter. You cannot control how others feel. You need to focus on yourself and what YOU ultimately need to move yourself forward in life.
There's a happy medium between saying nothing and over-sharing or letting people use it as a weapon against you.
Personally, I'd want to know if a guy had a problem with the skeletons in my closet, especially if he was extremely religious or conservative. Someone mentioned being abused as a child and I see no reason to volunteer that at all- they had no power, they had no say, and they're a survivor. Stuff you did as a consenting adult that might be a dealbreaker- yes, you should volunteer it, but not "confess" it or go into gory detail. The right partner will accept you as you are, right now, recognizing that we're a product of EVERYTHING in our past, not all of it good, but that the result can be very good.
i've dated people who used the past to define the future. they feel secure 'knowing' from this past, but are hardly willing to plan/take responsibility for the future, whatever that brings. not a real foundation for a developing relationship.
Hey there Belle! I have nothing to add right now. Except to say that I can tell in your words that you've grown so much over the past couple of years. You're really starting to sound like a woman who knows herself, and that's awesome. Keep reaching for the stars, gal.
A couple of years before I met my current husband, I had a baby that I gave up for adoption. When my husband and I were getting serious, my mom kept saying "You really need to tell him about the baby and the adoption. This is NOT something you or he are going to be blind sided by down the road."
I was terrified to tell him, but I knew my mom was right. Better that he knows and processes something before a young man comes knocking on our door seemingly out of the blue, and THEN my husband find out. THAT was a personal thing that he NEEDED to know because of possible future circumstances.
And when my husband and I had our first date, he told me "I'll be honest with you, I've been married 3 times. The last 2 wives, it was completely my fault and here's why."
Hey. We both had "red flags" waving in front of us. But...I think we both 'got' each other, and realized true forgiveness begets forgiveness for others...
Or...like someone else said...we ALL have a past. ANYONE who uses your past against you is not worth another minute of your time.
Right now I am talking to someone who is Mormon. He seems like a great guy but he’s looking for someone to get serious with and I just worry about bringing up my life.
I wonder when you say "talking" - is he currently on a mission? He may just be talking to get you interested in converting. That's their job in the mission years - talking to a lot of people.
I know young people use "talking" to mean other things sometimes though. Has he expressed any romantic interest?
A couple of years before I met my current husband, I had a baby that I gave up for adoption. When my husband and I were getting serious, my mom kept saying "You really need to tell him about the baby and the adoption. This is NOT something you or he are going to be blind sided by down the road."
I was terrified to tell him, but I knew my mom was right. Better that he knows and processes something before a young man comes knocking on our door seemingly out of the blue, and THEN my husband find out. THAT was a personal thing that he NEEDED to know because of possible future circumstances.
That would be my concern- that if whatever it was came to light later, even if your partner would have been OK with it they'll be blindsided and maybe hurt that you didn't have enough confidence in the relationship to tell them in the first place.
And, BTW, I think it's a tremendous act of courage and selflessness to give up a baby for adoption. I hope the child and his/her parents realize how lucky they are.
I wonder when you say "talking" - is he currently on a mission? He may just be talking to get you interested in converting. That's their job in the mission years - talking to a lot of people.
I know young people use "talking" to mean other things sometimes though. Has he expressed any romantic interest?
If he were on a mission he would not be talking to any woman alone.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
