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Hi-
I just don’t know where or who to turn to. I’m embarrassed to tell friends/family... even my mom because she views my husband and i’s relationship perfect. And my husband is so loving and wonderful. This, this is not the case. I put on a mask every day to show others I’m happy, I live I wonderful life, and I’m happily married.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years. Beginning was wonderful. There was no arguments for years. We were both kind of the social type. We enjoyed spending the weekends with friends and going out and doing stuff. When we decided to try for a baby, everything went down hill. I was working as a horse trainer. Very stressful job. Working 70 hours a week with very little pay. And so much drama. My husband is a welder. He had a 7-4 job and was very responsible. We quit having much a social life once I was pregnant. I worked weekends and he worked around the house or welding for clients. We moved to a very nice 2 acre lot with neighbors somewhat close by. I quit my highly stressful job as it was putting stress on my husband and new life with a baby. I felt it was in the best interest and would solve some of our arguments between us if I just stayed home for a while. It was good for a couple months and the arguments started again. He got upset for me not taking care of the house as much as I should for “being home” and I got upset at him for being out till 3am 1-3 times a week with the new neighbors and a newborn I was taking care of.
I never got to the “depressed” state. However, the more I think about it, what is that limit? When do you know you’ve hit rock bottom? I have a new baby, just quit my dream job for the sake of my family, I’m now fat, and board. While my bachelor husband goes out and parties. I finally had enough and got a part time job to keep my sanity. It has helped me not explode as much. I have been feeling better about myself.
When my husband comes home drunk I typically go downstairs and ask him “what’s wrong with you?!?”, “this is stupid!”, and “I can’t believe you!”. I’m always starting the arguments. He doesn’t get emotional. I never know what he’s feeling. He argues back about how I’m nuts or insane and then typically falls asleep and wakes up apologizing. This past year, he’ll come home drunk and I’ll get upset and he’s been braking the door, punched the fridge and punched our whole hallway wall. It’s getting worse. He won’t talk to me how he’s feeling. No matter how I try getting it out of him. I have to text him. And then if I spend enough time trying to pry it out of him, he’ll text me back with what he’s feeling. He thinks I need to go out with friends. Or he wishes I had friends to hang out with. However, I don’t think that’s my problem. I get my social time at work. When I come home in the evening, I want to be with him and the baby... but he thinks it’s okay to leave when he gets home and drives a block down the road to go hang with friends. And I just want to go with him or just spend time with them. I can’t go because I’ve got to watch the baby.
Our recent argument was tonight, he texted me to be ready in 10 minutes and he’ll pick us up to go eat... instead, he comes home extremely drunk an hour later. I got upset and he won’t give me a straight story. I started crying and he grabbed my arm, I told him to let go repeatedly. He didn’t, so I slapped him lightly across the face. He got so mad and punched another wall....
I’m sorry this is so lengthy. I just don’t know where I went wrong. What did I do? Is it because we moved and he’s got drunk friends down the road? I think I’m going to just have to get out of here. Tell my mom the truth and move back in with her for a while till I figure this whole thing out. I DO NOT REGRET having a baby. I love him so much!!! But it ruined our relationship. It is beyond repair on my part.
Your child didn't ruin your relationship. A spouse with substance abuse issues who is evidently not interested in being a parent is really the issue, here.
Do you really believe your mom will side with an abusive husband over her own daughter, just to maintain a fiction of perfection? I doubt it. I know there are always two sides to a story and we're only getting one, but from this side alone is enough to know you should leave. If mom lives close by then ask her for a place to stay.
It’s the alcohol, not you. Your husband has a drinking problem.
Try to find an ALANON meeting in your area where you can learn how to live despite having a partner with a drinking problem. Refrain from arguing with your husband when he’s been drinking. Just zip it. Don’t escalate the situation.
Talk to your mom. You probably need to move in with her for your own sanity.
Yep it’s definitely not you. Having and raising a child is definitely the most stressful circustance a couple will go through. I wouldn’t say that just because your relationship was easy and argument free before that it was a healthy marriage. Life is about conflict, stress, and includes arguments for which you both need to be able to resolve.
My wife and I had minor examples of this when we had our first child. I got to go to the bar with a few friends after work 1 time per month from say 5-8 pm. She knew about it and agreed ahead of time but it still would cause issues.
I think a positive thing for you to do is to start giving him responsibilities and a schedule around raising your child. I would handle breakfasts, trips to and from daycare, and putting her to bed at night. It was a way to spread around the responsibility and make sure we both had skin in the game. I’m sure your husband doesn’t want to be drunk around his baby.
Wow you are so deep in this you aren't seeing the obvious!
You are married to a combative alcoholic. If you met him like that today you would not marry him. So get a divorce. Like they say, you can do bad all by yourself.
Sorry things took a dive after the baby. I think if you are honest with your mom and close family about your situation you'll find them to be supportive and not judgement.
Hi-
I just don’t know where or who to turn to. I’m embarrassed to tell friends/family... even my mom because she views my husband and i’s relationship perfect. And my husband is so loving and wonderful. This, this is not the case. I put on a mask every day to show others I’m happy, I live I wonderful life, and I’m happily married.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years. Beginning was wonderful. There was no arguments for years. We were both kind of the social type. We enjoyed spending the weekends with friends and going out and doing stuff. When we decided to try for a baby, everything went down hill. I was working as a horse trainer. Very stressful job. Working 70 hours a week with very little pay. And so much drama. My husband is a welder. He had a 7-4 job and was very responsible. We quit having much a social life once I was pregnant. I worked weekends and he worked around the house or welding for clients. We moved to a very nice 2 acre lot with neighbors somewhat close by. I quit my highly stressful job as it was putting stress on my husband and new life with a baby. I felt it was in the best interest and would solve some of our arguments between us if I just stayed home for a while. It was good for a couple months and the arguments started again. He got upset for me not taking care of the house as much as I should for “being home” and I got upset at him for being out till 3am 1-3 times a week with the new neighbors and a newborn I was taking care of.
I never got to the “depressed” state. However, the more I think about it, what is that limit? When do you know you’ve hit rock bottom? I have a new baby, just quit my dream job for the sake of my family, I’m now fat, and board. While my bachelor husband goes out and parties. I finally had enough and got a part time job to keep my sanity. It has helped me not explode as much. I have been feeling better about myself.
When my husband comes home drunk I typically go downstairs and ask him “what’s wrong with you?!?”, “this is stupid!”, and “I can’t believe you!”. I’m always starting the arguments. He doesn’t get emotional. I never know what he’s feeling. He argues back about how I’m nuts or insane and then typically falls asleep and wakes up apologizing. This past year, he’ll come home drunk and I’ll get upset and he’s been braking the door, punched the fridge and punched our whole hallway wall. It’s getting worse. He won’t talk to me how he’s feeling. No matter how I try getting it out of him. I have to text him. And then if I spend enough time trying to pry it out of him, he’ll text me back with what he’s feeling. He thinks I need to go out with friends. Or he wishes I had friends to hang out with. However, I don’t think that’s my problem. I get my social time at work. When I come home in the evening, I want to be with him and the baby... but he thinks it’s okay to leave when he gets home and drives a block down the road to go hang with friends. And I just want to go with him or just spend time with them. I can’t go because I’ve got to watch the baby.
Our recent argument was tonight, he texted me to be ready in 10 minutes and he’ll pick us up to go eat... instead, he comes home extremely drunk an hour later. I got upset and he won’t give me a straight story. I started crying and he grabbed my arm, I told him to let go repeatedly. He didn’t, so I slapped him lightly across the face. He got so mad and punched another wall....
I’m sorry this is so lengthy. I just don’t know where I went wrong. What did I do? Is it because we moved and he’s got drunk friends down the road? I think I’m going to just have to get out of here. Tell my mom the truth and move back in with her for a while till I figure this whole thing out. I DO NOT REGRET having a baby. I love him so much!!! But it ruined our relationship. It is beyond repair on my part.
Here’s my take which will be much different than the average poster here that will cut bait and run.
1) Get a part-time or full-time job that allows you some financial independence and time apart from the baby. It’s critical for mother’s to get “alone” time even if it is at work doing something they like.
2) Get him involved in the parenting aspects of raising the child. He needs to have at least a 40% share of the work load (diapers, feeding, sleep training).
3) Set clear boundaries and expectations for both of you. Like he cannot come home drunk, he cannot grab your arm and if you ask him to stop he must stop. He cannot be out until 3am in the morning.
4) You starting the arguments or attacking him in a drunk state is counter-productive. Be angry at him at night when he comes home but don’t say a thing. When you wake up in the morning and you’re both sober then address the problem.
5) I get the sense he’s not an alchoholic but is struggling to accept reality as a parent and cannot processes it. So alcohol is a way for him to temporarily ignore his current mental state. You need to get to the source of the issue and reset expectations.
Again we went through similar issues (not to the same extent) and sometimes continue to do so. But there are relatively easy ways to get through it and come out the other side stronger; but both parties must be “all in” or fully invested.
Lastly I’d suggest you both getting regular exercise as much sleep as possible and trying to maintain a regular sexual relationship. That will do wonders!
3) Set clear boundaries and expectations for both of you. Like he cannot come home drunk, he cannot grab your arm and if you ask him to stop he must stop. He cannot be out until 3am in the morning.
how is she going to make an adult follow her expectations?
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