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Old 02-03-2019, 10:25 AM
 
1 posts, read 279 times
Reputation: 15

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It really tears my heart apart. Please, help me! I'm in so much pain because of this.

Morning, everyone.

Disclaimer: since English is not my native language, I apologise for mind-blowing collocations and horrible mistakes

I'll try to be brief. We've been dating for four years, I'm (25y.o.)kinda chill guy who doesn't like arguments and is a really open-minded person. I always try to listen to those who argue with me and can change my point of view if I got convinced. She's (25y.o.) a great girl, a really nice one; really caring and courteous, yet she comes from a pretty tough background just as I am. I think it is important to tell a bit about it.

Her father is an abuser, both emotional and physical. Despite she made her way and learned how to deal with him in an effective manner, he still abused her mother. He had frequent temper tantrums after some minor things, and would rarely hit her mother, who is his complete opposite. She is calm af and really caring for other people. They are divorcing right now.

As for me, my parents have always been really distant with me. My mom worked her ass off and could easily come home at like 9PM, while my father was drinking heavily and, basically, not being a father to me and my elder brother. He also cheated a lot on my mum, so cheating is a taboo for me as I detest lots of thing about him adn think we should be honest with our partners. Parents said they loved us, but they never did anything to really show this. I think I may have fear of abandonment because of this.

Long story short, my girlfriend is both caring and assertive when she wants to push something. She is not easily messed with, and I really like it about her, but sometimes it gets too complicated. Basically, that's why we are not still married and we still do not live together. She still lives with her mother right now. We've been looking for an apartment lease last few months until yesterday.

The number and fierceness of her temper tantrums was insane during our first three years. I think it's because that is the way she communicated with her first man in her life, namely her father. She could easily throw one and yell at me till, like 5AM, because I didn't give her flowers or some other stuff. She could easily call me at 2AM and start arguing even she knew I had an important exam next day. When I tried to tell her that I need to rest, she would tell me that I'm being an egoist since I don't care for her emotions. It seems that she developed some kind of exhausting tactics with me. I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes, I surely did, but I couldn't understand why one would do this to the partner, so I told her it's not okay. It took me three tiresome years to convince her she needs help with her anger control. She went to therapy and done pretty good job with that. Or maybe it is just I who has become a lot more agreable?...

I, in my turn, was diagnosed with a minor mental condition (depresonalization and derealization syndrome) as a result of these fallouts.

So, it all boils down to a pretty tough situation we are having right now. I got a female friend. She has done a lot for me, and I really like having her around. My girlfriend is really jealous and she wants me to stop communicating with her since she is rather promiscuous type (which she really is). For the record, I have always been loyal to my girlfriend and would never cheat on her.

Last year I was suddenly faced with a situation when I had no to place to stay and no money to pay the rent, so this friend of mine suggested that I live for a couple of weeks at her place. I knew it was really strange and to all surprise my girlfriend said it would be completely OK. I was ashamed of that, but still did it cause I had no other option. However, my girlfriend turned 180 degrees on this when I lived there. Needless to say, it was a complete nightmare for both of us until I finally moved in to another place. I almost cut my contact with this friend out of respect to my girlfriend's feelings, we are just chatting right now and see each other like once or twice a year.

So, she is really sensitive about my realtions with this female friend of mine. It was her birthday last week, so I thought it would be respectful of my girlfriend to ask her if it would be ok if I go to her house and congratulate her. Had she told me about her feelings in a calm manner, I would have done what she expected. But that was again another temper tantrum. She yelled at me so hard and was swearing a lot I had to take a break and write it all to calm down. It really felt like she wanted me to become like her father and yell like mad and throw things to prove I'm right.

- I feel pain. You must stop doing this because I feel pain and I don't need to explain to you why you must stop doing this. This is a complete disregard to me!

- Your father is a cheater! Every time you tell me about this friend of yours I remember it and it tears my heart!

- It is me or her. You must stop communicating with her all together.

- You say I don't trust you? Are you stupid? How dare you be so disrespectful of me and my feelings?

- So what? You mean, if a girl trusts her man, he can go to a whorehouse and expect her to eat that?

How does it work actually? It really blows my mind. I understand that she is really into me, that she is hurt for reason, but... Is she abusing and manipulating me? I really love her, but I mean... If your partner asks you not to do this or that because she or he says it hurts their feelings and not caring to properly explain it, you are expected to stop doing this? Maybe I'm too vigilant and it is I who has trust issues and abuses her? I really want to stop her feeling pain, but... My gut says something is really wrong here.

I fully consent that perhaps I would feel the similar way. But it is more the amount of quarells we had over nothing that bugs me. This whole situation made me severely stressed out the way I was before this one.

It almost always coincides with especially hard periods of life for me when she tries to throw a temper tantrum. Despite the fact she has done pretty amazing job with that and we had like only two incidents during last half a year I feel like it is still not enough. I can barely hold my mind together after them. I had to sleep like for seven hours straight just to get in touch with reality. She also sent me a couple of text messages after that saying that she is sorry, but the damage has already been done and I know that when I call her she will still push me and ask if I decided to cut ties with this friend of mine or not.

I also went to therapy and counseling, but it didn't really help. I started to be more assertive, but... There's so much good in our relationship (she is so kind, sweet and smart and 95% of time is amazing with her), but the bad is so bad it sometimes makes me wonder if I should really go with it. I'm also not into labelling people cause we all need to have second chances, but in this case I sometimes believe she is a lot like her father in such a destructive way that will make me really unhappy in the long run.

I would be really happy if you could help me, guys.
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Old 02-03-2019, 12:00 PM
 
12,344 posts, read 13,582,660 times
Reputation: 14342
Move back with your friend and dump the crazy chick.

End of story.
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Old 02-03-2019, 01:04 PM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,549,344 times
Reputation: 37906
Wow, she is causing you to suffer from mental illness and you think she can be fixed and all will be peachy. Come on, OP.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cocainecatlol View Post
I'm also not into labelling people cause we all need to have second chances
Uh huh. And exactly how many "second chances" have you given this harridan?
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Old 02-03-2019, 01:45 PM
 
7,385 posts, read 13,238,791 times
Reputation: 8997
Based on what you've posted, your girlfriend isn't assertive. She's outright aggressive. Assertive people make their point without name calling, put downs, yelling, tantrums and demands (like telling you to change your behavior).

It sounds like you're willing to work through this but... You'll need to go to couple therapy where you guys learn how to effectively communicate to each other. She'll also need to work on her controlling behavior. Her being originally ok with you moving in your friend's place is a bait and switch; a move designed for you to fail so that she can lash out at you. She still has a lot to work on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cocainecatlol View Post
It really tears my heart apart. Please, help me! I'm in so much pain because of this.

Morning, everyone.

Disclaimer: since English is not my native language, I apologise for mind-blowing collocations and horrible mistakes

I'll try to be brief. We've been dating for four years, I'm (25y.o.)kinda chill guy who doesn't like arguments and is a really open-minded person. I always try to listen to those who argue with me and can change my point of view if I got convinced. She's (25y.o.) a great girl, a really nice one; really caring and courteous, yet she comes from a pretty tough background just as I am. I think it is important to tell a bit about it.

Her father is an abuser, both emotional and physical. Despite she made her way and learned how to deal with him in an effective manner, he still abused her mother. He had frequent temper tantrums after some minor things, and would rarely hit her mother, who is his complete opposite. She is calm af and really caring for other people. They are divorcing right now.

As for me, my parents have always been really distant with me. My mom worked her ass off and could easily come home at like 9PM, while my father was drinking heavily and, basically, not being a father to me and my elder brother. He also cheated a lot on my mum, so cheating is a taboo for me as I detest lots of thing about him adn think we should be honest with our partners. Parents said they loved us, but they never did anything to really show this. I think I may have fear of abandonment because of this.

Long story short, my girlfriend is both caring and assertive when she wants to push something. She is not easily messed with, and I really like it about her, but sometimes it gets too complicated. Basically, that's why we are not still married and we still do not live together. She still lives with her mother right now. We've been looking for an apartment lease last few months until yesterday.

The number and fierceness of her temper tantrums was insane during our first three years. I think it's because that is the way she communicated with her first man in her life, namely her father. She could easily throw one and yell at me till, like 5AM, because I didn't give her flowers or some other stuff. She could easily call me at 2AM and start arguing even she knew I had an important exam next day. When I tried to tell her that I need to rest, she would tell me that I'm being an egoist since I don't care for her emotions. It seems that she developed some kind of exhausting tactics with me. I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes, I surely did, but I couldn't understand why one would do this to the partner, so I told her it's not okay. It took me three tiresome years to convince her she needs help with her anger control. She went to therapy and done pretty good job with that. Or maybe it is just I who has become a lot more agreable?...

I, in my turn, was diagnosed with a minor mental condition (depresonalization and derealization syndrome) as a result of these fallouts.

So, it all boils down to a pretty tough situation we are having right now. I got a female friend. She has done a lot for me, and I really like having her around. My girlfriend is really jealous and she wants me to stop communicating with her since she is rather promiscuous type (which she really is). For the record, I have always been loyal to my girlfriend and would never cheat on her.

Last year I was suddenly faced with a situation when I had no to place to stay and no money to pay the rent, so this friend of mine suggested that I live for a couple of weeks at her place. I knew it was really strange and to all surprise my girlfriend said it would be completely OK. I was ashamed of that, but still did it cause I had no other option. However, my girlfriend turned 180 degrees on this when I lived there. Needless to say, it was a complete nightmare for both of us until I finally moved in to another place. I almost cut my contact with this friend out of respect to my girlfriend's feelings, we are just chatting right now and see each other like once or twice a year.

So, she is really sensitive about my realtions with this female friend of mine. It was her birthday last week, so I thought it would be respectful of my girlfriend to ask her if it would be ok if I go to her house and congratulate her. Had she told me about her feelings in a calm manner, I would have done what she expected. But that was again another temper tantrum. She yelled at me so hard and was swearing a lot I had to take a break and write it all to calm down. It really felt like she wanted me to become like her father and yell like mad and throw things to prove I'm right.

- I feel pain. You must stop doing this because I feel pain and I don't need to explain to you why you must stop doing this. This is a complete disregard to me!

- Your father is a cheater! Every time you tell me about this friend of yours I remember it and it tears my heart!

- It is me or her. You must stop communicating with her all together.

- You say I don't trust you? Are you stupid? How dare you be so disrespectful of me and my feelings?

- So what? You mean, if a girl trusts her man, he can go to a whorehouse and expect her to eat that?

How does it work actually? It really blows my mind. I understand that she is really into me, that she is hurt for reason, but... Is she abusing and manipulating me? I really love her, but I mean... If your partner asks you not to do this or that because she or he says it hurts their feelings and not caring to properly explain it, you are expected to stop doing this? Maybe I'm too vigilant and it is I who has trust issues and abuses her? I really want to stop her feeling pain, but... My gut says something is really wrong here.

I fully consent that perhaps I would feel the similar way. But it is more the amount of quarells we had over nothing that bugs me. This whole situation made me severely stressed out the way I was before this one.

It almost always coincides with especially hard periods of life for me when she tries to throw a temper tantrum. Despite the fact she has done pretty amazing job with that and we had like only two incidents during last half a year I feel like it is still not enough. I can barely hold my mind together after them. I had to sleep like for seven hours straight just to get in touch with reality. She also sent me a couple of text messages after that saying that she is sorry, but the damage has already been done and I know that when I call her she will still push me and ask if I decided to cut ties with this friend of mine or not.

I also went to therapy and counseling, but it didn't really help. I started to be more assertive, but... There's so much good in our relationship (she is so kind, sweet and smart and 95% of time is amazing with her), but the bad is so bad it sometimes makes me wonder if I should really go with it. I'm also not into labelling people cause we all need to have second chances, but in this case I sometimes believe she is a lot like her father in such a destructive way that will make me really unhappy in the long run.

I would be really happy if you could help me, guys.
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Old 02-03-2019, 04:27 PM
 
Location: California
847 posts, read 231,688 times
Reputation: 2407
When you are with someone abusive for a long time, you begin to question yourself. You begin to wonder if you're the one in the wrong somehow.

From the outside, it seems very clear. Your girlfriend mistreats you. It isn't going to change. You need to leave. If you don't, she will continue to degrade your self-worth and cause you more trauma and damage.
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Old 02-03-2019, 04:43 PM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,549,344 times
Reputation: 37906
Your girlfriend has borderline personality disorder. Not compatible with a loving relationship. Google a checklist and thank me later.
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