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The thing is I am not in the mood to hook up while down there. But I should just play along so to salvage things haha.
Well ha-ha, but really no. You shouldn't play along with anything you don't want to do for any reason.
You should work pretty hard on breaking any habit that is anything like that, in fact. Learn to listen to yourself, and then communicate your authentic message clearly.
Hear your inner voice if it says, "I do not want this." And then speak the words. I do not want this. People who are healthy to have in your life, will be supportive if you tell them you are doing work to have better boundaries, to respect yourself and your own needs.
There are people in this world who will love you without trying to use you. For who you are. In genuine ways, like real friends ought. You will facilitate those kinds of relationships when you treat yourself with respect. I know it's hard. But I promise, that feeling you have, that something bad will happen if you stand up for yourself and say no, that people won't like you if they don't think they can get something from you, that whole...thing...it's not the thing you make it out to be. It really is not.
So don't be afraid to just tell it how it is!
Challenge this dude! Ask him, "Can you be the friend I need you to be? Can you respect my boundaries, even though I'm still learning how to respect them myself?"
But too, if he's pretty invested in having a certain kind of a good time with you down there, he might be a b-word about the whole thing. I don't know him, so I can't say.
Well ha-ha, but really no. You shouldn't play along with anything you don't want to do for any reason.
You should work pretty hard on breaking any habit that is anything like that, in fact. Learn to listen to yourself, and then communicate your authentic message clearly.
Hear your inner voice if it says, "I do not want this." And then speak the words. I do not want this. People who are healthy to have in your life, will be supportive if you tell them you are doing work to have better boundaries, to respect yourself and your own needs.
There are people in this world who will love you without trying to use you. For who you are. In genuine ways, like real friends ought. You will facilitate those kinds of relationships when you treat yourself with respect. I know it's hard. But I promise, that feeling you have, that something bad will happen if you stand up for yourself and say no, that people won't like you if they don't think they can get something from you, that whole...thing...it's not the thing you make it out to be. It really is not.
So don't be afraid to just tell it how it is!
Challenge this dude! Ask him, "Can you be the friend I need you to be? Can you respect my boundaries, even though I'm still learning how to respect them myself?"
But too, if he's pretty invested in having a certain kind of a good time with you down there, he might be a b-word about the whole thing. I don't know him, so I can't say.
Thanks for the advice. Like I said it's my NYE resolution to stop this "grey" relationships. So it's something I am working on for 2019.
Yup, I know. I learned my lesson back in September. It was too much it all kind of came crashing and I realized how my lack of respecting the boundaries I set, definitely created damage.
I suppose this friend it will be the first test for 2019 to keep my resolution of balancing these friendships out.
Sonic is right in that I shouldn't have used the term 'submissive' since the connotation is wrong.
But passive isn't quite right either.
Since my last post and your recent ones, it appears that you now do get the point.....is wishy washy an acceptable term? Thinking "No" but acting "Maybe"
Good luck on your first 'test' for 2019 and hopefully it'll help you in the future.
And, hey!Maybe you'll really get lucky and find out you were misreading and get to keep him as a friend
But do get it clear before the trip
Yeah it's hard to perfectly describe but "boundaries" is the best word I've found. Thing is, lots of women...tons and TONS of women...have issues with this. It's a pretty significant social thingie. And it's connected to loads of problems most commonly observed in straight relations, but I'm sure there's plenty in the LGBT+ community also.
Like as a woman, the struggle I have had... Since I have almost angrily rejected the social norms of "women are not supposed to like sex for its own sake" since practically around the time I finished puberty, and I wanted that power for myself, not only a man's power to be entitled to enjoying sex, but a woman's power to seduce it from men as I pleased... This however created some confusion for me, when it came time to say "No."
I felt like I needed a reason. I didn't want to be mean. I didn't want men, male friends I liked especially, to feel rejected on a personal level. After all, if it's "no big deal" then...why say no? It was easy enough to say yes when I wanted it. How to explain to a person I like that I don't like them...LIKE THAT...without hurting their feelings, especially if they know I've slept with other guys, and might compare themselves to other guys...UGH WHAT A MESS. How to navigate all this?
In my youth, it was tough, and the easy answer was just to bang the guy. Then I got into the severely monogamous relationship that became my marriage at age 18, and for 18 years I had a shield. I was "taken!" Suddenly saying no got a lot easier and a lot less necessary, as the pursuit slowed and dried up too. Things change when life changes. I was not a young person moving in young people's circles anymore. I was a Mom, and a professional, and I was very serious.
But then exit the marriage a few years back and suddenly there's that boundary stuff again. In dating, this kind of thing makes it easier to "ghost" than to end an interaction with a message...for instance. And I had some trouble with one guy I really just wanted to be friends with, which I've talked about before. And now...now I'm on the easy path of being "taken" again. But being in the social circles I've been in has helped me think in new ways about boundaries.
It is actually more considerate to keep your boundaries clear with your friends.
It is behavior that shows self respect.
And those instances where you feel you've been VERY clear, and the "friend" keeps nudging at your stated boundaries? That is not a good person to be friends with. Either they are a user, or else they don't understand how to treat a friend. Create distance.
I sincerely hope though, that this fellow was just in a "reboundy" sort of place, looking for distractions from his recent solitude, and hoping that since the two of you have played around in the past, maybe the option is still open. I mean, you are single, yes? And so is he? And you're consenting to travel alone with him someplace warm and sexy just in time for Valentine's...so. It does make sense why he might think something fun could happen. But hopefully you are able to have the conversation with him and clear it up and you can still have fun...AS FRIENDS.
I've actually found it helpful at times, to flat out state, "You do not have my consent for X. You do not have my consent for Y. I am not down for Z with you." Sometimes dudes can try really hard to cling to this sort of "hey, innocent confusion, thought you were ok with it" routine. You've got to really be willing to draw the line in the sand.
And I think that whole "Well we have to be nice, don't want to hurt feelings" and feeling/thinking NO but acting MAYBE thing...that has led to tons and tons of consent violation situations that frankly could be avoided if people worked on communication skills. Not just women saying no better, but men hearing it better, too. That whole business. It could improve. And that's what your talk really does make me think of.
We went on the trip and everything was just fine. In fact we had an amazing time. While I still do think he may have feelings for me, I think he got the picture that I am not interested in pursuing anything. Aside from some eyebrow raising comments, everything was normal and we had a great time.
It's interesting though. Traveling with him showed me in a way what life would be like if he and I were to ever date. In a way I see we are compatible. When we returned from the trip, I was a little sad that our time together was going to end and when I looked back at the trip it made me realize how special of a trip it was.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have feelings for him like that. But it gave me thought of "Who knows maybe one day." Either way the trip was very special.
He texted me soon after the trip thanking me for spending time with him and what a great time he had. He then made it a point to tell me that I am family to him and like a brother.
So in a way, I think the dust is settled. It feels good.
“Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.”
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