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Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,577,093 times
Reputation: 7613
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesshu
Hello all. I dont have a great track record with picking the right guy and wanted some opinions about the current guy I'm kind of seeing.
I started a new job about 5 months ago and have gotten close to my coworker. We sometimes work on projects together but we are in seperate departments so not too much interaction at work.
In the last month, we've hung out a few times. Nothing too serious. Things like happy hour with coworkers, lunch, etc. But last weekend we went out on an actual date and that's when he revealed that he has been divorced twice and has a 2 year old with his second ex.
I dont know all the details but he told me the big picture. Hes in his mid 30's. Also, I'm in my late 20's and no kids.
With his first wife, they dated all through college and got married shortly after that. They were together for less than a year before he filed for divorce. He said that he wasnt ready to get married but his ex gave him an ultimatum and he choose to marry her. Also, her student Visa was up and to stay in the country, she needed to get married. But apparently she was emotionally abusive towards him and he reached a point where he couldnt tske it anymore.
Then with his second ex wife, they were married for a little more than a year before they got divorced. From what he said, this seemed to be a mutual decision. His ex is a very invovled mom and was a helicopter parent. She wanted to control every aspect of their child. Plus she couldnt stand his mom's interference with their child.
So red flags????
From the time that I've spent with him, he has been nothing but a good guy. But I dont know. His history makes me nervous. The way he painted it, a lot of blame seemed to be placed on both exes.
If you were in my shoes, would you give this guy a chance or run far away??
I've never dated a single dad or someone who has been divorced.
Everyone can make a mistake but divorced twice...a little red flag, maybe. But why are you getting close to coworkers? That's usually frowned upon & it can cause a lot of problems if 1 of you wants out.
I would not say that he's an abuser, per se, but I do wonder if he had anything good to say about his former spouses.
Has this man said positive things about his marriages and/or other past relationships?
A man or woman who has nothing good to say about the person (people, in this case) who they once chose to love and build a life with...well, that usually tells me far more about *that* person than the former spouse or partner. It's not good to become involved with a person who neither recognizes his or her own failings within a past relationship nor mentions the better qualities of the former partner(s).
Also, it bears mentioning again that dating within the workplace is generally unwise and the fact that a manager at your workplace actively encourages it boggles my mind.
From the time that I've spent with him, he has been nothing but a good guy. But I dont know. His history makes me nervous. The way he painted it, a lot of blame seemed to be placed on both exes.
If you were in my shoes, would you give this guy a chance or run far away??
I've never dated a single dad or someone who has been divorced.
The issue of him being a single dad is a non-issue to me and irrelevant unless you prefer to not date men who have children. Your call and your preference, and no one should shame you for your decision re that.
Now...
I think you are VERY wise to see the glaring issue with new guy--he places blame on his exs and little, if any, on himself. He's a "finger pointer" but does not save one for himself. He will blame you too when things go south.
Next, he does not sound like a man who exercises good and reasoned judgment, so he just "does what feels good" in the moment. Is that the kind of man you want to have in your life?
Yes, I would run from him and, in the future, keep your professional life separate from your personal life. See how uncomfortable it can get and be if you don't?
You sound very bright and thoughtful. Go find a man who mirrors that, and you will do well for yourself. Many men can match that criteria.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,577,093 times
Reputation: 7613
A man is not appealing in any way if he complains, talks about his exes...or blames other people. Find a guy who doesn't have so much baggage in his life...you're young! But you really should stay away from the workplace to do it.
Any person that has married and divorced in a year's time more than once would indicate that he simply does not make good or considered decisions
My brother did it 5 times.
If you're looking for something long term and lasting,do you want to be the possible 3rd?
Tread very carefully unless you just want some fun for now
It depends on what you are looking for at this point in your life. He probably is not the best choice for a relationship involving children since it seems that his adaptability factor for kids is low. As for wife #1 I wouldn't hold that against him really. He was trying to help out someone he cared about. She probably took advantage of him.
If you like the guy, go for it and see what happens. The purpose of dating is to weed out the good from the bad. Just make sure if things don't work out it doesn't screw up your job.
To address the isssue about dating at work, i agree 99% of the time it is a bad idea. But i dont work for a traditional company. It is a young tech place where the majority of the employees are in their 20/30's and single. I think dating can happen naturally simply because youre working such long hpurs and really get to know someone. Im not saying this is a good idea by any means. But just becausw of the environment we are in, it does happy.
We are entitled to one mistake. And Some of the best people can get involved with the wrong person. And don’t forget half of marriages end in divorce. Children change people some change for the better and some change for the worse.
Now having said those general statements get to know the guy take it slowly. I think it would be more important to find out if this guy actually tried hard to make these relationships work- or did he just pack it in at the first sign of adversity. All relationships face adversity
But I’m with others never mix work with pleasure. You are getting paid to do a job. Just my opinion.
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